Which came first: Poor Communication or Mistakes [Pt. 2]

Mistakes breed poor communication

This is an interesting sequence of cause and effect. Not nearly as obvious as it’s predecessor, poor communication breeds mistakes, that we examined in the last post. In this surprisingly deep concept, we find the cycle is fueled by driving forces of: 

• Fear
• Self-worth
• Avoidance of ownership

Fear

As a child, did you ever make a mistake - break something, do something you weren’t supposed to, or not do something you were supposed to - and try to keep it a secret because you were afraid of getting in trouble?

Like, say, I don’t know, playing soccer in the hallway and accidentally pegging one of your mom’s plants off the stair ledge, sending it Humpty-Dumpty-style onto the carpeted stairs below?

The fear we had of getting in trouble - of upsetting or disappointing someone - as kids, is still something we deal with from time to time in adulthood, whether we want to admit it or not. You may be surprised to learn that this fear is the reason mistakes exist at all.

Intrigued?
Good.

Self-Worth

A fear of unintended outcomes can also be thought of as a fear of mistakes. For many of us, it’s not so much the fear of the mistake itself, but rather what we interpret that imperfection to mean about us (even if we think it’s a judgment coming from someone else). Due to this, mistakes can exacerbate poor communication because we live in a society that largely expects perfection and values time and money over learning and growth.

Or more simply put, we live in an ego driven society. To admit fault or falling short in any area is a big hit to the ego. We don’t want to admit mistakes, faults or the inability to meet expectations or responsibilities because we have been trained that these imperfections will make us less than, unworthy, and maybe even untrustworthy.

This leads to not communicating promptly or effectively when problems arise. Because if we don’t acknowledge or speak it, then the problem doesn’t exist, right? Then the scenarios we have playing in our heads won’t be able to come true. Then we won’t have to face beliefs we hold about ourselves that could cause us discomfort. We’ve already beaten ourselves up enough, why invite others to join in?

While this may or may not apply to you, it’s important to be aware of this contributing factor in the mistake/poor communication continuum.

Avoidance of ownership

What’s the first unofficial ‘rule’ of car accidents? Never admit fault.
A quick google search took me to the Sorenson Law Firm website where they advise against any form of apology: “In fact, do not use phrases such as “I am sorry,” “I apologize,” or “it was my fault”. . .”

In the legal world, perhaps this is necessary. But in every day relationships - whether personal or professional - this tactic will most certainly lead to a decline in trust, morale, and productivity.

While I’m not suggesting that assigning fault is necessary when mistakes are made, I AM suggesting that taking ownership of one’s role in the outcome is. It is actually those who DO communicate their inability to carry out their commitments that are the most capable and trustworthy.

Why? Because it shows they value:

• other people’s time
• their contributions and the contributions of others
• people as people (as opposed to robots)

Your Turn

Nobody is perfect. Mistakes are bound to happen, that’s how life works. Yet, it is our ability to recognize, own, and communicate our mistakes that stops the cycle from continuing. Take a moment to reflect:

When was the last time I messed up and was afraid to tell someone?

What did I make the mistake mean about me? What did I imagine others would think?

How can I take ownership for my part in things in order to move towards a solution?

Oftentimes, we imagine far worse consequences for our mistakes than will ever happen. Stop the mistake cycle by bravely communicating what happened, owning your role in it, and looking towards a solution. You'll feel better and you'll inspire confidence and trust in others.

Which came first: Poor Communication or Mistakes? [Pt. 1]

In a setup as inconclusive as 'Which came first, the chicken or the egg?', there is no clear answer. And in a world where every situation brings a different set of variables and perspectives, maybe that’s ok.

By show of hands (or perhaps you could let me know with a comment below), which do think is more likely?

1. Poor communication breeds mistakes
2. Mistakes breed poor communication

Next question - how many of you have ever thought about the symbiotic connection between communication and mistakes before?

I hadn’t, until very recently. And the reality is poor communication and mistakes are both responsible for the other, albeit in different situations. Perhaps with more awareness of what fosters both scenarios, we can learn to improve our communication and increase our growth and learning. Thus, turning any situation of mistake-making or poor communication into an opportunity!

Now, let’s take a closer look at the first cause and effect and explore the various ways they can show up. (The second phenomena will be examined in a follow-up post.)

Poor Communication breeds mistakes

This is the most obvious of the two options. Poor communication leads to mistakes by route of three key areas:

1. Unclear guidelines
2. Unclear expectations
3. Unclear commitments

AKA: lack of clarity

Lack of clarity is a direct route to mistake-making. Leaving us operating on assumptions, rather than confirming our understanding of what is needed and draining us of time and energy. If there’s one thing mistakes love, it’s the feeling of ‘lack’:
- lack of clarity
- lack of time
- lack of energy
- lack of focus
- lack of confidence
The list could go on and on . . .

Unclear guidelines

Ever had a project at work or agree to help out a friend with something only to find, shortly after the conversation has ended, that you don’t really know what you’re supposed to do? Or what is actually needed?

Congratulations, you’ve received unclear guidelines!
In situations like these, we sometimes resist our better judgment to ask clarifying questions for fear of how we may be perceived. Such as fear of:

• appearing incompetent
• appearing like we weren’t listening
• bothering the other person* (‘time is money,’ as they say)

*if this is you, or you get annoyed when people ask you ‘obvious’ questions, we should talk. There’s a way to eliminate this experience entirely.

If none of these apply, I applaud you.

And in other situations still, we may experience uncertainty grab us after we’ve already reached what feels like the point of no return; already having invested significant time and effort with insufficient resources remaining to start over.

Unclear expectations

In other cases, we may feel clear on the task being asked of us (or that we’re asking of others), but the outcome produced registers as a mistake. For instance, we could do a perfect job based on the criteria and information we have available to us, but if it doesn’t align with the vision of the person we are doing the work for, the perfection will not translate.

We all have different ways of doing things and because of this, verbalizing our expectations - especially when they seem obvious - is crucial in communicating clearly and producing mistake-free work.

Unclear commitments

You know that feeling when you are uncertain whether a coworker or friend will follow-through with a commitment? You start to question if it was a mistake to ask this person for help or to trust they could get the job done. This anxiety-inducing uncertainty comes from unclear commitments.

Think back to elementary school age and going to a friend’s birthday party. They would always hand out some sort of invitation with all of the information you needed (ok - the info your parents needed) to determine if you would be committing to attend or not:

• The date
• The time
• The location
• The type of party

Making commitments as adults requires the same information - regardless of the area of life. In the work world these requirements might look a bit different, using words such as deadlines, requirements, or goals, but they convey the same information.

Your Turn

How many of these types of situations have you experienced in the past? Perhaps you are experiencing some right now or will experience some version of the above in the future (because not everyone is as good at communicating as you are 😉).

Should you find yourself getting caught in the poor communication/mistake trap, fear not! Things can always be resolved by asking questions to get clarity on guidelines, expectations and commitments.

Recognizing that mistakes are usually proof of incomplete information makes it much easier to address the problem, rather than placing blame or finding fault. Become the most forward-thinking, responsible person in the room by bravely asking clarifying questions to ensure the best outcomes possible.

I can't say anything right - and maybe that's the point

I heard an old woman on the sidewalk saying, "I can't say anything right."

I heard this completely out of context as I  passed by, eavesdropping, but she brought an important point to mind.

It's very hard to say anything "right" if you don't give yourself time to come to your full thought about things. And more importantly, give yourself time to figure out the words to convey your intended meaning.

I think instantly of an older person saying something (definitely not PC) that seems offensive.

I think also of the times in the recent past when I have heard a statement come out of my own mouth that does not sound good at all.

Like I didn't think before I spoke.

Like I could have really offended someone if what I said was, indeed, what I meant.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know for sure when communicating with others my intention is never to offend, insult or diminish. And yet it still happens.

Why?

Honestly, there are a number of reasons, but the one I'm finding especially important right now is the need to take time to understand what you really mean.

 

This means allowing yourself to think out loud, to not be perfect, even to say things that might not be what you actually believe in an effort to uncover what you do.

This means embracing the experience of being human and the occasional challenges of processing new information, perspectives, and ways of being.

We don't know everything.

And we are not always right.

But maybe that's the point?

Rather than striving to be right, perhaps the real aim is striving to understand - and enjoying the inextricable growth that comes with it.

In the world we live, we will unintentionally offend others. There's just no way around it (because we have no control over other's thoughts or how they interpret the thoughts we share).

But we can greatly reduce these misunderstandings - and create greater peace in our own lives - when we take time to work out the real meaning we want to convey with our words and we give others the time to do the same.

Think Out Loud

Thinking out loud is a game changer.

We almost always think we don't know - the answer to a problem, how to navigate unfamiliar or challenging territory, etc.

We have convinced ourselves that there is always just one correct
answer
path
solution.

This thinking is both entirely wrong and entirely true. 

It is wrong that in any given circumstance there is only one correct answer, path, solution. 

Yet, it is true that, in any given moment, there will be one answer, path, solution that works best for YOU.

And the easiest way of uncovering what that best answer, path, solution is is to think out loud.

You'll be amazed at what comes out of your mouth when you practice thinking out loud.

And I really do mean practice.

I just had my first real practice - and I had to keep reminding myself "think out loud" because the temptation to edit or restrict myself was so great.

But then I thought, "ok, it's just the same as thinking.. silently..in my head - except now it's coming out of my mouth. That's the only difference."

It felt awkward ["words are hard"] and the impulse to judge some of the thoughts that came out of my mouth was hard to ward off. 

It shut down a lot of my thought paths at first; disrupting the flow and evolution of ideas which would, at some point, turn into beliefs. And - side note - it is the beliefs stage, if any, that we should be judging. The thoughts leading up to the beliefs are just a means to make sense of something and, ideally, a means to understand.

So, allow yourself to think out loud. Give yourself the unrestricted space to explore, process, make sense, and direct your next steps. If you're lucky you'll get takeaways like mine 😜!

*I used a new-to-me transcription app to capture all of the gems I hoped would reveal themselves as I practiced freely thinking out loud and was delighted when it had a summary feature! 

. . . I don't know that I would have summarized my thoughts in this exact way, buut- close enough!

Life is a reflection

Our lives are a reflection of who we are.

Scratch that -

Our lives are a reflection of who we are.

Our lives are a reflection of who we think we are.

Complete with all of the could haves, should haves, would haves, supposed tos, and that's just what you do/how things are that no one can actually trace back to the original rule maker.

Everything is connected.

Nothing exists in isolation.

And, despite what we may have been taught or told, compartmentalizing areas of life does not keep them from interacting with one another.

Our lives are a reflection of how we view life.

Scratch that -

Our lives are a reflection of how we view life.

Our lives are a reflection of how we view ourselves.

. . . let that marinate . . .

Do you like what you see? 

-----------------------

If you're like me you may like some of what you see in your life. And there may be some areas that you really struggle with.

The struggle is a sign.

A sign that what you are seeing,
who you are being,
is no longer matching who you are. 

----------------------

Don't know what to do with that . . . but want to?

Connect with me here to get synced back up with your true self and navigating life in a way that feels and works best for you.

Meat Man

. . . maybe you had to be there . . .

L.E.N.T.

Lent has officially begun and for many Catholics (and other flavors of Christian) that means a period of reflection, self-discipline, and prayer.  

More commonly this plays out as a time of giving things up, not eating meat on Fridays, and trying to 'do better'.  

For many years of my life I don't think I fully grasped the point of Lent. Or rather, I didn't fully see how the things I did or gave up for Lent (saying extra prayers, giving up coffee or sweets) deepened my personal connection with the Creator. I was mostly just counting down those 40 days until Easter.  

Over the past year or so the way I view spirituality, religion, and their associated practices has shifted considerably. 

I've found that the generalized blanket concepts, enticements and threats of these areas don't actually benefit me as much as they could. And I'm willing to bet that if I feel this way, there are plenty of others that do as well.

So, with that in mind, I'll offer a few alternative approaches and perspectives to consider as we pass through this Lenten season - or, let's be real, life in general...

Sin doesn't exist unless judgment is present
What would change for you if 'sins' were viewed as lessons to be learned?
As opportunities for us to grow in understanding of ourselves and consciously choose which actions we want to carry out going forward, rather than judge and condemn ourselves?  

In every moment we have the opportunity to decide if what we are doing is what we want to continue doing. We get to assess and reflect on how it makes us feel, impacts others, and if that is how we want to be and show up in life. If it isn't, then change direction - there is nothing to be ashamed of or judged for that. That's part of learning.

Love for God = Love for Self
What if you didn't need to be 'saved'?
What if you just needed to reconnect to yourself - and thus, God? 

Imagine how much more you could feel and 'see' God's love if you loved yourself.

"Well, that's silly, of course I love myself!" 

Then I'll ask you this, how kind are you to yourself?
How often do you notice your flaws or inadequacies?
How often do you focus on your lack?  

You see, God doesn't see lack.
Because God didn't make you lacking anything.
You were made completely whole.
Yet, as we age in our world, this wholeness often gets chiseled away by the words, actions, and even beliefs of others - of those who came before us. 

We were handed down and taught thoughts and beliefs created long ago, but we weren't [explicitly] taught how to think about them consciously. We weren't taught to connect our thoughts, intuition, and body cues to discern what is uniquely true for us.

So, what if our goal this Lenten season - and all goals in life - started with ourselves?  

What if our intentions were to learn more about ourselves and, thus, who we really are?
God is calling us to be just that - Us.

Lent may be the name of a yearly religious period but it can mean so much more.

L.E.N.T.

Because Life Experiences Necessitate Transformation
And when we Let Experiences Naturally Transform 
we are then able to fully embrace and Live Every New Transition
And when judgment is absent and acceptance is present, we are able to Love Every New Transition.

May we all L.E.N.T. - in this season and every season.

Day 340: The End

Well, we finally made it!

A full year since I started my daily challenge to write (or draw) every day for 365 days.

So, how'd I do?

Well, if the title of this post is any indication (it's really not), I did . . .

Pretty.
Darn.
AWESOME.

That's right, in a year of life - full of ups, downs, sideways and neutrals - I missed only 25 days of writing. 

That's less than a month! 

And if we want to get technical about it, we could calculate that out to writing 93% of the year. And if we were assigning grades . . .  that's a solid A . . . 

Regardless of the metrics, the challenge served its ultimate purpose:
   1) to get back into a regular writing practice
   2) to create a space to expand on and develop my understanding of different life concepts, tools and experiences.

In a year of writing, I have learned that - 

• We can change our minds; and to do so is natural.
  To change is to grow. Thus, changing one's mind about something could actually indicate growth taking or having taken place.
  As the saying goes:
  Grow or Die
  
  
• Meaning can be found in literally ANYTHING.
  It just might take changing the angle or perspective with which we view it to pull something new.
  
  
• We can inspire ourselves.
  It's been cool to re-read older posts and experience a moment of awe (or 'ahh' - depending on how you look at it!).
  Feeling sensations of heart warming, chest expanding, and thoughts shouting 'yes! THIS!' in agreement with past me.
  We don't always need to turn to others for inspiration.
  And we don't need accreditation to inspire ourselves (or others).
  We can stoke our own fire.
  But we have to be open to feeling the heat - and seeing the flame [i.e. our true selves].
  
  
• Making yourself do something isn't as helpful as it seems.
  Force doesn't always result in the most fruitful outcomes.
  More often, it's ease and flexibility that bring me the most success;
  The times when I allow my interests in the moment to direct my next actions, trusting (and knowing) that everything I want to get done, will. This is still very much a work in progress, but so is life.
  
  
• Judgement Sucks . . . the joy, learning, and opportunity out of everything.
  When I started to get a handle on reeling in and reducing my rampant judging of others, situations, and myself - boy, did life start to feel different!
  Things felt lighter - I felt lighter.
  I was able to better understand others and think about situations differently than I had before.
  Judging less means more joy.
  
  
• Perspective is EVERYTHING.
  This is no new news.
  And I've been saying it like a broken record over the past year - because it's true.
  Shift your perspective and you shift your world.
  
  
• Trust in self isn't possible without understanding of self.
  Learn what you really think and believe.
  All of those things that 'some people' or 'other people' think - if their words are coming out of your mouth, they are your thoughts.
  Build your awareness of them.
  Learn to identify them.
  Then practice deciphering them.
  It's the only way to uncover what is true to you.
  If fear is born out of uncertainty and the unfamiliar. Get to know yourself and breed the opposite.
   
• Second guessing yourself = shutting the door on an opportunity.
  An opportunity to listen to yourself.
  An opportunity to trust yourself (re: point above)
  An opportunity to grow your intuition.
  An opportunity to grow - yourself.
  
  
• The key to happiness is knowing yourself.
  I penned this as the slogan of my coaching website way before I understood how true it really was. And as I've grasped and experienced this reality, I've also learned that knowing myself will be a life-long thing - because I am constantly changing.
  We all are.
  And it's a really cool and fascinating thing to be able to not only experience, but witness it - through conscious awareness of self.
  
  
• We are what and who we need.
  When we allow ourselves (and others) to change . . .
  When we look for the meaning in everything . . .
  When we inspire ourselves . . .
  When we welcome in more ease and flexibility . . .
  When we judge less . . .
  When we shift our perspective . . .
  When we trust ourselves . . .
  When we listen to ourselves and hear our intuition . . .
  When we are consciously aware of who we are . . .
  
  We are what and who we need - in every changing moment.

At the close of this year of writing, I'm still undecided what the next challenge will be. But, I can say with full confidence that writing will still continue be a regular thing. 

Though, perhaps not a daily occurrence.

Day 339: Ready for Heaven

I passed a man on the sidewalk today wearing a jacket with a picture of a skeleton on it that read, "Ready for Heaven."

He got me thinking, why do we have to die in order to experience bliss, completion, heaven?

Maybe we don't. 

 

Now, I'm not saying that there is a way to make life perfect.
Because as we know, perfection is impossible.
But, perhaps there is a way to experience a life that we like. Dare I say it - a way to experience a life that we love?

Of course, this doesn't mean loving every second of every moment non-stop forever and ever.
That too, would be impossible.
It is possible, however, to experience life in a way that feels good to you and to experience that feeling of good as your baseline state.

What if living a "good life" - living a life you love - wasn't about always having pleasurable / enjoyable experiences? 

What if it was more about simply experiencing - period?

What if a "good life" was simply a life full of experiences?
Experiences in which you are fully present. Fully in the present to take in all aspects, nuances, emotions, thoughts, sensations, connections, etc of the moment at hand.
And then of every moment that follows it.
Fully soaking in what it means to be alive through every experience. 

And not through the eyes of despair, disempowerment, or suffering. But through the eyes of curiosity, hope, and joy.

What would experiencing life like that be like?

 

Would it feel like Heaven on Earth?
Like the undefinable peace and joy beyond our wildest imagination and comprehension?

Is that even possible?

I don't know.

But, I do know that we hold the keys to our own reality. To the life we live day to day and the way we experience it.

If we aren't ready for heaven on Earth, how can we be ready for heaven in the cosmos?

That's a serious question.

Our perspective and level of consciousness doesn't automatically elevate as soon as we die and leave our bodies.
We have to change it.
But more importantly, we have to realize that we can change it.
And once we do, changes happen instantly.

On Earth, however, things aren't instant.

But that doesn't remove our ability to create change. It just takes a little longer to see and get what we want.

Day 338: Manifesting

I always thought the term 'manifesting' was just fluffy wordage thrown around by people trying to tell you how to obtain a pipe dream.  That it was all woo-woo, non-credible or illegitimate. And that those trying to 'manifest' were trying to get out of doing the hard work; wanting something else to do the heavy lifting behind the scenes so that these good things/wants 'just happened.'

I don't think I really understood what 'manifesting' was (I'm noticing a trend here...). And I kept getting thrown off by my perception of the effort and energy required to create a new reality.

I have very much believed that I loved 'creating something out of nothing.' I believed that this could only be done with dedication, hard work, determination, and creative expression.

These things are true, but I might have also been making things more difficult for myself with that viewpoint.

A new concept I'm working on wrapping my mind around right now is the idea that there is never 'nothing.'

Something can never be created from nothing.

It's scientifically impossible. Unless, maybe, you're a black hole.

This something is called Energy.

Meaning, there is ALWAYS something - even if you can't see or perceive it - in every place, space, and moment.

We can also think of this something - this Energy - as the difference between stillness and movement.

Everything in our world is in constant motion. Even when, to the average eye, things appear still they are, indeed, experiencing movement. (Think back to middle school science class and learning about the structure of the atom - hello, electrons! you speedracers, you...)

So, to adopt the phrase and belief that I like "creating something out of nothing" I'm making things much harder for myself.

Why?

Inertia - a body at rest, will stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside force.

Generating movement from stillness requires a LOT of energy and effort. Especially compared to generating continued movement from something already experiencing motion in some way.

Ok, fine. But if energy is all around us - in everything - then why do some endeavors seem so difficult?

Because we don't believe there is movement.

We can't see movement, thus we believe things are in stillness.

Let's elevate the example a bit-

We can't see what we really want (in our reality or imagination), thus we believe we can never have it, achieve it, be worthy of it, etc. [We stop the movement]

It's all matter of perspective.

It's all a matter of trust - Self trust.

And self trust is a matter of self knowledge.

If you know yourself deeply, you understand yourself. And if you understand yourself, you start to trust yourself. And if you trust yourself, you believe in yourself.

And it is from this foundation that life starts to change on a massive scale.

 

So . . . what does this have to do with motion, energy and manifesting. . . ?

 

A lot. 

 

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines 'manifest' as:

• readily perceived by the senses and especially by the sense of sight
• easily understood or recognized by the mind
• to make evident or certain by showing or displaying
  

Since Energy is motion and makes up everything, we can view our thoughts as energy as well.

 

Thoughts that support and benefit us give us more energy to work with - thus making things seem easier. Meanwhile, thoughts that restrict, limit, or lessen us require more energy just to think. Therefore, they leave us with less energy overall - and things seem harder and require more effort or force.

When we manifest, we take the three definition points above (though in a slightly different order) and apply them to our thoughts, mindsets and behaviors.

1. Recognize and understand what you really want
   [easily understood or recognized by the mind]
   This is where the whole self-knowledge, self-trust, self-belief cycle comes into play.
   
   
2. Consciously perceive by the senses what this want does for you
   [readily perceived by the senses and especially by the sense of sight]
   If this want were already your reality, how would you be able to sense it - how could you tell?
   What would your energy levels (physical, mental, emotional) be like?
   
   
3. Get clear on what it would look like - how the want would show up or display - in your life
   [to make evident or certain by showing or displaying]
   Adopt the mindset and behaviors that would correspond to those of already having the want
   

To manifest something is not to make it magically appear or happen - it's to consciously choose the path you want to travel down by first identifying the destination (or outcome). Then, once the destination is clear, working backwards to identify the steps to get there.

You can think of it like 'fake it until you make it' except you don't have to fake anything.

 

All you have to do is believe in yourself and travel in the direction of that.

Day 337: Sugar-Coated Bat Signal

BREAKING NEWS:

Onlookers have been taking in this seemingly innocent artwork (above) as just that - artwork. But some worry if it's not a signal of something much more sinister than cavities.

Recalling the globally spread pandemonium that took place last April, some fear an uprising of the followers of Arthur Slugworth. (Get caught up with the details here.)

What started as a publicity stunt and attempt to reclaim a position of candy prominence has mutated into something much more. Since last spring, sugar-winged groups have popped up all across the country with one common goal:
obtaining power - fueled by sugar. 

Economists and social scientists alike worry that this may be the product of the ever growing wealth disparity and feared financial downfall of the country. 

If we've learned anything from the past, it's that the cries of overlooked citizens are not to be taken lightly. 

This could be a monumental turning point in our country's - and world's - history. If we are able to read the writing on the wall and act appropriately. But this will require a lot of effort - essentially reworking the entire structure of our nation and economic model. 

Many argue that changing the systems we have in place will be the surest path to societal collapse. But with the passing of time and growing awareness of both social and environmental disparities, more and more people are asking the question:

"What do we have to lose?"

Only time will tell if this is a red herring or an innocent homage to nostalgic sweets. 

This is a developing story.

Day 336: Identity Shift

Over the past year I've experienced a lot of transitions.
All have been relational.
Which makes sense, as relationships are the defining feature of being human; who we are and how we are in relation to others - and to ourselves.

Without a doubt, the majority of my growth has been internal and has greatly impacted (and enhanced) my relationship with myself -

• Shifting the ways I think and perceive things (move over judgement, you're blocking the view!).
• Shifting the beliefs I operate under and consciously choose to follow.
• Expanding my awareness - of others and myself through thoughts, emotions, body, and soul/spirit.
• Challenging how I view myself and my identity.

Identity is a weird thing because it is completely made up, completely self-imposed.

Sometimes the labels we wear are chosen by us, sometimes they are chosen by others. But regardless of who chooses them, if we associate them with who we are (love them or hate them) - we are, in essence, accepting them.

This is much easier in cases where we like or want the label.

But it's a quite different feeling when the label you find loitering around you more and more frequently is one you don't want; is one you judge strongly.

Wait a second - I thought you said identity is self-imposed?
If that's the case, then why would anyone accept a label they don't want or that they judge strongly?

Because the words used to express the meaning of something (i.e. a label) do not always match up with the individual's definition or interpretation of that word. 

For example, as I alluded to on Day 331, I am finding myself at odds with the labels of 'Religious' and 'Spiritual' that seem to keep popping up on my radar. 

You see, I have some pretty biased and judgemental views of these terms; the first images coming to mind being a Bible-quoting-hypocrite and an Out-of-touch-with-reality-'manifest-away-your-problems'-self-proclaimed-authority, respectively.

Yikes, you weren't lying. Those are are super judgy associations!

I know.

But the good news is, I don't have to continue on with these associations and judgements if I don't want to. 

I don't have to feel at odds with a word. 

When framed that way, it sounds quite silly. Identity, labels - they're just words. 

Words used to convey a bigger picture and meaning.

So, to help facilitate my impending identity shift, I can choose to work on the following:

1. Get real with myself about the meaning I am assigning these words to have - and what that meaning says about me.
   
   
2. Educate myself more about what these words mean from a neutral perspective. Just like how I learned the other half of the meaning of amateur, recently.
   
   
3. Refine my own definition for these words. Come to an understanding of them that resonates and works for me - or find/come up with new words entirely.
   

Identity is self-imposed.

We get to decide if it feels good or if it feels bad.

It's our life - let's enjoy living it.

Day 335: Long Lost Tribe

I had a very interesting conversation the other night - about strangers. 

 

More specifically, how interactions with strangers are different here, in the United States (and perhaps most western cultures), from elsewhere in the world. 

 

My friend told me that they had never struck up a conversation with a random stranger whom they'd never seen or met before. 

[jaw drop]

I thought this was weird. 

I do it all the time! 

Well, not all the time. But frequently enough to think of it as normal. 

 

My friend mentioned, in India - where they're from, that people don't smile or talk to strangers. 

They might not even make eye contact. 

I was shocked.

I make eye contact with people I don't know all the time!

[Let me also clarify that, given the difference in population density in India, one would likely be talking to a lot of people they do know on a daily basis. They aren't just straight up snubbing people. At least most people aren't . . . probably.]

This topic got me thinking about what I've been reading in the book, Conversations With God (Book 3). Specifically, that humans were created as tribal creatures. 

 

Now, this isn't a new or novel idea to me, but the understanding (that dawned on me mid-conversation) of how this translates to life now, was.

The way in which we live in the "modern world" doesn't really sustain, protect, or nurture us in the ways that tribal life would. So, in thinking about the Western interaction with strangers - or at least my interaction with strangers - something started to click for me. 

 

It makes a ton of sense that in a culture where I do not have a strong sense of community I would subconsciously seek it out from other humans around me. Albeit, humans that I sense are safe, approachable and friendly, but strangers nonetheless.

Think about it:

Dating Apps = Strangers

Meet Ups = Strangers

Going to the gym = Strangers 

[insert your example here = I bet it will connect to Strangers]

Wow! 

 

Would you look at that? Biology at work! 

Trying to meet the inherit and invisible needs that we have for survival, but also to thrive and be - whether conscious or unconscious.

So, now I'm curious:
How often do you talk, smile, or make eye contact with others?
And what are your thoughts around it?

Day 334: remember...

 

We can always use a reminder.

Consider this yours.

Day 333: Time-out Pep Talk

I'm so glad I talked myself into making these chicken salad pitas instead of nachos (hear: "I want nachos!!" in the whiniest voice ever).

They look bomb!

 

[Flash back to pre-meal prep]

 

Just imagine if this time-out pep talk was available for every moment of hesitation, conflict or self doubt.

It'd be like having our own coach with us at all times telling us the play! Helping us get our heads in the game.

What a game changer that would be.

Sport teams and individual athletes are credited much success when working with a good coach.

The same plays out in life.

But no one knows because no one is watching.

There is no giant arena for people to gather when you're making your most pressing decision of the moment.

Can you imagine if there was?

[Immediately, Hazey put in her two cents of how it would be intimidating and stressful. But once she was sent to her room and I had quiet to hear Mountain Man, I saw that it would be one of the most encouraging and supportive experiences ever. ]

A whole stadium of people gathered for you.

A whole stadium of people rooting for you.

A whole arena of people wanting you to succeed.

Wow.

Seriously, what if life was like that?!

Can you even imagine?

Whether you can picture it or not, dare to consider that it is a possibility.

(Well, the feeling that such a thing would create, that is.)

Because when we are willing to consider the possibility of something new, we leave room for it to grow into a reality.

Now's who's ready to get back on the field (/court/[insert your preferred sport setting here])??

The game is always going, the question is - do you want to play?

Day 332: Amateur

Well, I just realized that I did not fully know what the word amateur meant. 

 

I always thought an amateur was someone who was unskilled, a beginner, less knowledgeable.

But here I come to find out (while watching Fantastic Fungi on Netflix) that amateur also means:

someone who does something because they love it.

It comes from a French word meaning: 'lover of.' [Don't ask which French word, though 😜]

So, if I were to say I'm an 'amateur nature photographer' or even an 'amateur coach' that would be a good thing.

 

A preferable thing, even.

Because I want to do things that I love.

Now, let me phrase that in another way -

I want to love the things that I do.

I want to be an amateur of life.

In being an amateur my goal, aim, ambition is not to make money. That is never the focus of the amateur.

The focus is giving.

Contributing.

Making the world better by who you are and with what you have to offer.

May we all find the truth, ease and joy we desire in whatever we choose to do and whomever we choose to be.

Amateurs, live on!

Day 331: Religious Revelations

I've grown a LOT over the past few years - and especially this past year, 2022.

Over the course of the last 6 months or so a new subject matter slowly started becoming more and more prominent. 

The subject?
Religion and Spirituality

I'm learning a lot about religion - or rather, what religion is not. 

I knew this day would come. A day in which I'd learn that the traditions and routines I grew up with were really just that - Made by men and not by God. 

Or, should I say, put in place with the actionable intentions of men rather than the intentions of God. Or something like that . . .

Anywho, it's cool that as I am coming to find and understand how much of religion, the church - Catholicism, specifically - is rules created to restrict and control others, I'm still not completely turned off by the whole idea. 

I know there are some people that are very quick to dismiss the entire concept of organized religion. And I think that's okay, because, to quote the Bible: "In the beginning . . . "
. . . there was no religion. 

There was only love. 

I'm happy to find that while I feel less compelled to follow organized religion, I'm not turned off by it. 

I can see that there are fundamentally flawed rituals and ways of thinking in all religions. But there are also positive aspects and pieces of true messages from God* [*insert your name for a higher power here] that also exist, interwoven within the human-created. 

And that to me is an uplifting thought.
That, while not all ideas, practices, and organized religion will benefit followers or help them to fully become connected with God*, they do provide hope and basic teachings that people can hang on to. They do provide a sense of community. And perhaps this is a way to tap back into the sense of One Tribe.

I'm loving the absolution of gilt and fear. The encouragement and empowerment to do what I want, like, and enjoy. The removal of outside expectations (this one's just starting to take root).

The desire to really listen to and trust myself.

The desire and excitement to really experience life - and experience God* [aka pure creation].

I'm loving that the interworking between the physical and spiritual worlds are now becoming exposed and logical in my state of understanding.

I'm loving that learning all of this - and everything I've yet to learn - always comes back to me and my happiness.
Me and my wants.
Me and my passions.
Me and my love.

 

Our Love.

The only thing there really is.

I didn't actually get that phrase, before - "Love is all there is."

I don't think I understood it because I didn't really understand love.

But I'm starting to now. And boy does it look (and feel) a whole lot better than whatever else I've been doing my whole life.

Love, happiness, fulfillment, purpose all start and end with the same thing -
You.

Me.

Each of us.

All of us.

Get to know yourself.

It will be the start of your best life yet.

Day 330: Proving Yourself

Proving yourself is more effort than it's worth.

Seriously, it takes an insane amount of effort.

And causes so much unnecessary stress!

Just being around someone who feels the need to prove themself can produce stress energy that is palpable; others can feel the vibe.

What if instead of feeling the push to prove ourselves we felt the pull to explore ourselves? To try new things, to get out of our comfort zone, to learn and grow?

Despite what it may seem, life isn't about achieving, accomplishing, or proving.

Life is about learning, experiencing, and living.

 

What does that even mean???

What does that even feel like???

 

Why not test it out?
Next time you're feeling pushed to prove - pull back.  

Try replacing the push to 'prove' with the pull to do something else - perhaps experience, learn or explore.

 

"I want to accomplish something"  -->  'I want to experience something'
"I have something to prove"  -->  'I have something to learn'

"Achievement will make me happy"  -->  'Exploration will make me happy'

What feels different about those statements?

To prove is to justify - to yourself or someone else.

To explore is to embrace - the known and the unknown of yourself or others.

Day 329: Friday the 13th

It's a notoriously spooky day, people! 

. . . Friday the 13th . . .

What out-of-the-ordinary thing do you think is going to happen in your day?!

But remember - what you expect (and believe deep inside) is what you will experience.

That's not true. We won't experience something just because we expect it...

Oh, no?
Probably not if you only expect it - but if you deeply believe it, that's another story.

Why do you think there are people that buy into a bunch of different conspiracy theories? Because they believe it and look for proof of it.

Why do you think people feel they will never do/have/be 'as good as others'? Because they believe it and look for proof that they won't - fueling the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Why do you think weird things happen on Friday the 13th? Because we think, thus put into motion, that they will.

Our minds are powerful.
We are powerful.

Not so much in a 'fantastical-magic-and-super-powers' sort of way (though who knows, maybe that's true, too).

But in a 'we-are-capable-of-so-much-more-than-we-can-even-imagine-and-yet-we-are-constantly-restricting-ourselves' sort of way.

Once we start letting go of these restrictions, we can then start to learn -
how to use our minds
how to use our thoughts
how to use our power
-for good. 

Because when we allow ourselves to seek our own good, it extends out to the world - and everything changes.

Using power "for good" does not mean being selfless, putting others before yourself, or doing what you think a "good person" would do.

Using power "for good" means getting in tune with YOURSELF. Paying attention to what feels good to you - physically, emotionally, spiritually and prioritizing that. Seeking THAT out.

Because when we feel good - genuinely good (not due to a 'quick fix,' distraction, or escape) - we spread those good vibes all around us.

So, I'll say it again, what you expect and believe deep inside is what you will experience.

The thing is, you first have to believe.

Again, I'm definitely - mostly - talking about personal beliefs and what is possible for you, by you, as you when you reach a place of actually believing it's true. When you reach a place of believing [in] yourself.

Now that's an idea that might sound even spookier than Friday the 13th!

But, that's ok - because we love novelty.
And variety novelty is the spice of life, after all.

Now go make your life spicy!

*******************************
Feeling a little afraid or skeptical of experimenting with more spice?
Let's talk and we can figure out the perfect blend together!

Day 328: Gradual Perfection

I've said before that perfection doesn't exist . . .
But check out these nails!

 

 

Here, let me give you a closer look . . .

I mean - look at those clean lines!
They're almost as good as my lipstick application . . .
but I'll save that share for another day.

As illustrated above, perfection is not found in my nail polish application (shocking, I know).

Sure, I could have gone around the edge of every nail to touch it up and get it as close to 'perfect' as possible, but I didn't need to.

The reason being, with the passing of time imperfections and minor errors fade away. They seem to disappear - as any human who has painted their nails and then washed their hair can attest to.

This isn't only true of trivial, tangible things, but learnings as well.

When we start something new or try something different there are bound to be struggles, pitfalls, unintended outcomes, or unmet expectations. These things all come with learning,
with practicing,
with growing.

Over time these undesirable growing pains gradually subside, leaving us with more know-how, more confidence, and overall 'cleaner lines.'

When have you experienced this type of improvement over time?
What was it about you that made this positive progression possible?
And how might it serve you to apply these insights to a current endeavor?

 

Here's to trusting that time is always on our side, when we are willing to learn, and striving for continuous improvement rather than chasing perfection!