Day 140: Perfectionism Trap

A theme that keeps resurfacing for me lately is perfectionism.

The more I've been learning about myself, the less hidden this trip-up is becoming - which is great! And it's also really annoying.

"Ugh, Perfectionism, you strike again!!"

This thought has popped into my head more times than I would like over the past few months.

It's quite mind blowing how massively deep and wide the hold perfectionism has on my life; from which all-or-nothing thinking is a result.

I thought about making a list of all the areas perfectionism tries to control. But got overwhelmed at the idea and no longer wanted to do it (or perhaps didn't want to see it). It's a long list. Of that, I'm certain.

So, if perfectionism is such a puppet-master, how do I know when it's at work?

This will be different for each of us, but for me it shows up most prominently in the following ways:

• There is no middle ground. It's one thing or the other, right or wrong, good or bad.
• Things need to be instant. 
• A learning curve is NOT ok. 
• If you don't have the answers, you're failing. 
• And if you're not naturally skilled at something then you might as well not even try.

Ouch. This last one for me is particularly painful to realize. 

As someone who has always been pretty 'high-achieving' (by whose standards, specifically? I can't even tell you), I did what came easily to me: academics and art. 

The message was cemented in my little brain at a very young age that the areas in which I received outside validation were the areas I needed to spend my time.

Seeing this with fresh eyes as an adult is gross.

I've been holding myself back in soooo many ways and didn't even know it! Missing out on the thrill of trying new things, enjoying the process, and ultimately expanding my potential.

Why?

Because of fear.

The fear of not being good enough.

I think this is a fear we all have, in some form. The question I'm learning to ask myself now is:  

Good enough for who?