Day 244: Resisting Burnout

I had a coaching session with my own coach, after about a month's break.

This is significant.
Why?

Because of burnout.

Because I am burnt out. 

And I've been trying to avoid acknowledging it for the past few months.

But my coach, bless her, wasted no time to inform me that burnout is a very serious thing.

With that sentiment alone, came a wave of validation - and emotion.

Because Audrey is such a good coach, none of this was lost on her. She asked me what I was feeling in the moment she saw emotion overtake me.

Sadness

Frustration

Fear

I've never experienced Burnout before, at least to this degree. Our conversation revealed a lot more about the situation to me. 

Which is great, because I had an Agenda with a capital A for my session. 

I wanted to figure out the lesson I 'clearly still need to learn,' as I am finding myself in this place once again.

This place of frustration.

This place of resentment.

This place of exhaustion.

In previous experiences, I've found myself in similar roles. Roles where I am the driving force. Roles where I am guiding and making the way for growth to take root. Roles where I bring someone else's dreams into reality. 

And then I'm met with a stone wall of resistance.

I know what needs to happen.

I have an idea of how to get there.

But it's not my dream. 

And the dream owner, for reasons unknown to me, does not want to heed my words or take the steps I advise.

And when this happens all forward motion halts.

My wheels continue spinning, but any movement made is in the depth of the rut I find myself.

I can't want someone else's dreams more than they do.

So what do I do . . . ?

I learned today - I make assumptions.

When I am unable to get information, answers, or direction from those I am attempting to help, I resort to assumptions.

What are they not saying?

What criteria would they use?

What would they want to do?

'Assumptions are necessary in order to keep moving forward,' my hidden beliefs tell me. 'Because you must always be moving forward.'

But, perhaps it's this very belief that is doing the most damage. 

I'm not certain, but it could be possible that this very belief - that there must always be forward motion - is the reason for jumping to assumptions.
Like lighter fluid to kindling.

Assumptions, I learned today, are the very things that suck all of my extra energy - because I'm not just focusing on the task itself, but worrying if it's what the Dreamer would actually want.

And when viewed from another step back, the picture becomes a bit clearer. 

I am trying to push my agenda for the dream, not the Dreamers.

As a coach, it's my job is to further my client's agenda and goal for a session, never my own. Audrey tried to point this out to me in our session, but it seems it is only settling into my understanding now.

Huh. How about that...? 

I don't think I've completely learned the lesson I 'clearly still need to learn.' But I did gain new perspective that I previously didn't have.

I was also reminded, again, that life - whether work life, personal life, or somewhere in between - may be better lived like a coaching session.