Day 240: Feels Good to Feel Good

Man, it feels so good to feel good!

For the past few weeks months, I've been really struggling. 

Identifiable stress from work, fluctuating stress from a class I'm taking, and invisible stress from goals I have for myself have all been slowly - and silently - building and building. 

I found myself numbing. A lot. 

I enjoy edibles a few times a week, but things swiftly progressed to "let me just get a weed pen so I don't run out of gummies so fast."
. . . Because that's not telling for a person who leads a pretty darn health lifestyle.

Nope, it wasn't. I was completely oblivious to what was going on. 

The shift was so gradual - and too close to home to be objective - that I had no idea it was happening.

It took me canceling things I really enjoy - like my own coaching sessions with my coach, Audrey - to finally tap into my current reality.
I was not happy.

And, while there were certainly stressors outside of my own control, much of my suffering was self imposed. Largely, because I was avoiding being honest with myself.

About how I really felt.

About what I was actually thinking - which was fueling the feelings I was numbing.

About what I really wanted.

It quickly became a sticky cycle of avoidance and numbing, over and over.
By the time I was fully checked into my own self-awareness of what was really going on, I had depleted much of the energy I needed to help get myself out of it.

When we are stressed we experience catabolic energy.
The energy that breaks things down - rather than builds them up.
We can function at this energy level and soldier through whatever is in our path for only so long, and then - we burn out. And are left feeling depleted.

That was me.

I'd acknowledged what was going on with me.
I'd acknowledged what might be more helpful for me.
And yet, I was still left with an empty tank sitting in the same ditch as when I was oblivious of everything.

So I did the only thing one can do when finding oneself in that situation.

I chilled the freak out.

I took a break.
I gave myself a break.
I gave myself permission to not 'do' anything.

And then I focused on what felt good in the moment.
Going for a walk.
Writing in my journal (the second the thought fluttered by so I didn't miss it).
Reading.

And I slowly started to feel better.

For me, this was enough to finally sit down and get real with myself.
It was enough to generate the energy needed to be honest about the beliefs I had running through my head about the various factors stressing me out. And with this reality check, came the opportunity to start thinking about slightly different beliefs that felt better to me (emotionally and physically).

Let me tell you, thoughts are not to be overlooked or underplayed. 

They are POWERFUL.

And having thoughts and beliefs that facilitate a good feeling are game changers.

Right now, I'm feeling like myself again with my default of happiness and joy. And it feels AMAZING.

Are my stressors still at play? Some of them.

Will this good feeling last? I don't know, maybe.

What I do know, though, is that in the continuous cycles of life we have to take breaks.
We have to recharge.
And we have to look inward.

Happiness and ease are an inside job.
And that means we need to live life inside-out.

Focus on the inside to change what we experience on the outside.