Day 299: Bread Delivery?

I see this vehicle almost every morning.
When I get up early enough, that is.

At first it seemed a bit suspicious. 

Why is this man just hanging out in the back ally, lurking around his car in the early morning?

It took many dawn sightings before I finally saw some action.
And it wasn't the dog walking kind, if you know what I mean...

It was an interaction with an old woman. 

She slowly made her way down the alley, empty tote bag in hand.
Then she'd hold it open, upon reaching the back of the car, and the man would put several loaves of bread inside.

In a handful of observations, I spotted the money transfer only a time or two.

And while it all looked pretty innocent, I still haven't ruled out the possibility that it's actually a very good cover for some sort of covert, black-market, bread ring . . .

Day 298: What A Hickey Taught Me

"I don't do some of the things I want because I'm
worried about someone seeing and commenting on it."

That sounds like a reasonable thought, given the title.

The funny thing is, that statement wasn't in reference to a hickey at all!
It was about a jacket.

My crew neck leopard print jacket.

I've had it for years and hardly ever wear it.
I like it.
I like the idea of it.
But it doesn't match the false identity I bind myself to, in my head.
- So I fear it.

What's the identity?
Low maintenance, laid back, effortless - (imagined in the most appealing way, though the reality really is that I put in no effort).

'And leopard print is the kind of thing worn by someone who wants to be seen.'
I was just starting to get comfortable with ME seeing me.

So I didn't wear a jacket that I liked.

"Wow, I'm not doing something that I like - because I'm imagining that someone else will . . . what?"

I had never played the scenario out to the end.
There was nothing specific to be feared or tried to avoid.
There was nothing negative.

My fear isn't of someone commenting on my jacket choice. 

It's of them noticing it.

My fear is of being seen.

Ugh.  It was great to uncover that nugget, but - come on!- how long is it going to take until I get to the bottom of this whole "fear of being seen" thing??!?

If you couldn't guess, this is a recurring pattern I've discovered.
And it stands in the way of me and pretty much everything I want to accomplish in life.

That sounds super dramatic. But it is true.
And, not in a complaining, "life is so unfair," kind of way.
More in a "I really want to get going with all of the dreams, goals and ideas I have and it's going to be so great when I am doing them - and feeling so at ease!" kind of way.

I want it now!
But, I'm also a bit scared at the idea of my life being as great as I imagine.

That's where the fear is really coming from.  

The fear of not being able to do it -
because I've never never given up on something.
I've always taken "no" for an answer.
And to do things different from the ways I'm familiar - is scary!

It's scary to challenge my beliefs and the ways they limit me;
To be consciously aware of the thoughts that pass in my head.
It's scary to decipher that if I really believed the message of the opening quote -
I would never be able to live. 

Not really.
Not fully.

I don't want to live a restricted and happiness-limiting life.

So I'm going to learn how to live the opposite.
Starting with a leopard print jacket.

And also starting with selfies - because they also make me uncomfortable.

Day 297: Embracing Embarrassment

Everyone has experienced embarrassment.
Whether it was something they did or a situation they experienced.

Feeling embarrassed doesn't feel good - physically or mentally.

If you're anything like me, you literally feel more uptight or rigid and you have trouble concentrating on anything else (like the things you actually need to focus on!).

When I feel embarrassed, it's a near guarantee my energy will tank and I'll start imagining all sorts of  unwanted attention from others in my head.

Notice I said imagining.
The things we imagine others will think, say, or do (about anything) are simply that - imaginings.
Made up scenarios that aren't real.

Even if we do perceive a real life experience to be every bit as mortifying as what we conjured in our heads, more often than not it's due to how we are interpreting it rather than how things were intended.

That's because we are looking for something specific.
We are looking for proof.
But not the objective kind that we can learn from.
We're looking for the subjective proof that is biased and unkind and feeds on our insecurities.

So, we can go that route and be miserable or we can make another choice.

When presented with the same set of options the other night, I decided to go with the latter and take action on the things I could control.

My recent embarrassing experience may or may not have involved needing to cover up a particular area of the body due to some unintentional and unsightly markings.

Knowing that I don't have the current skills, supplies, or interest to learn how to master the magic of makeup coverup, I focused on my next available option.

Turtlenecks.

I owned a total of 2. 

Last time I checked there were more than two days in a work week.
I needed to get more.

So I did!
And I still felt stressed out.

Then I identified what else was within my control - the exact outfit I would wear.
Tomorrow.
And the day after that.
And after that.

I planned out a whole week's worth of outfits and dare I say it  - I had fun doing it?!
Once I had finished, something was strange.
Was I feeling  . . . confident?! At least a little?

I was.

The next morning I shared my ordeal with my sister, who responded exactly as was needed:

It's just like Brene Brown says about keeping things to yourself, keeping secrets. The only way to be free from embarrassment and shame - is to share it.
It releases it's power and allows you to be what you've always been - 

Human.

So, did I go to work feeling confident and care free?
Absolutely not!
But I did feel a LOT better about things that I did the night before.
And that was a good enough win for me!

Day 296: I Bleed Eggyolk

And it gets all over everything - like my training manuals.

Ugh.

It's just not the same as Spider Man spraying webs . . . 

Or Sarah and Sonia donating blood . . .

 Yeah, we may pretend (when we're together and in private) that we can donate blood like Spider Man sprays webs . . . that's not weird.

Day 295: Dare To Believe

I rediscovered this poem in one of my iPEC coach training manuals.

I think we can all use this reminder once in a while.

Enjoy.

***********************

Dare To Believe

Everybody knows:

You can't be all things to all people.

You can't do all things at once.

You can't do all things equally well.

You can't do all things better than everyone else.

Your humanity isn't showing just like everyone else's.

So:

You have to find out who you are, and be that.

You have to decide what comes first, and do that.

You have to discover your strengths, and use them.

You have to learn not to compete with others,

Because no one else is in the contest of "being you."

Then:

You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness.

You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions.

You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due.

And you'll be a most vital mortal.

Dare To Believe:

That you are a wonderful, unique person.

That you are a once-in-all-history event.

That it's more than a right, it's your duty, to be who you are.

That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish.

And you'll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.

~Author Unknown~

Day 294: Phone it in

I feel like there's a very subtle line between flakiness and doing what you need to take care of yourself.

I caught a glimpse of an article title that I think was called, "We Don't Know How To Phone It In." The blurb below indicating this was a quote from a band member of the Foo Fighters.

It immediately resonated with me.

This is definitely something I struggle with and am trying to improve at.

Though, I suppose I should specify that to me, 'phoning it in,' means pulling back, allowing imperfection, and being ok with shifting your priorities.

*Full disclosure - I didn't actually read the article, so the intended meaning could have been entirely different. But interpretation is an individual thing, so I'll continue!

Phoning it in is important - though my initial understanding of it came with a negative connotation.

It can be seen as a negative thing when phoning it in means you won't meet someone else's expectations (or your own).

But it can be seen as a positive thing when phoning it in means you recognize your own needs.

This is where I think the struggle really lies.
It's not about breaking your word or not following through.
It's about having a clear sense of your bandwidth and what you realistically can do given the energy you're working with.

How many times have you over committed to things?
I know I have.

And how many times have you felt bad because you had to break plans or your work suffered or you couldn't be fully present with the people you care about?

This happens to a LOT of people.
And believe it or not, it doesn't mean anything about the type of person that they are. It just shows that they are struggling to identify and prioritize their own needs.

So yeah, I would agree with the former 1/6 of the Foo Fighters - we don't know how.
But this doesn't mean we can't learn.

I feel compelled to go into how one would learn to 'phone it in'  - or rather - avoid phoning it in by identifying and then prioritizing their own needs. But I think I'll save that for a different day. 

In the meantime, maybe this will be of interest.
Or this.
Or possibly even this.

Day 293: Look for the proof

Transformations take time.

Change takes time.

And sometimes, it's easy to miss it entirely. Going completely unaware to the shifts that are taking root.

Take my beloved - yet elusive - beaver at North Pond.
I've seen it's art over the past few months, but I didn't think it had been further improved upon.
I made the assumption that things were exactly the same from when I first noticed them.
But this morning, something made me pause to check.

"Is that tree looking even more whittled down than last time I was here??"
Believe it or not I'd been absent for at least a week.

Then I went through the whole back and forth of believing myself and the intangible force that stopped me and doubting my inclinations. 

So, I decided to look for the proof.

I searched my phone pics until I came upon the first documentation I had of the chewed on tree:
October 29th.

It was now December 7th. [Busted - I wrote this yesterday! 😜]

The proof was in the pudding. Behold!

Left image: Oct. 29    |    Right image: Dec 7

Indeed, work had been done.

It seemed in just over a month, this tree was rapidly approaching Felling Day.

This is a good illustration of the importance of proof.
Not in the literal sense to prove something actually did or did not happen.
But in the sense that it is easy to gaslight ourselves, doubting or questioning our own thoughts and intuition.

Proof gives us an objective lens to view things from.
Granted, we need to be seeking information rather than a specific answer.

If I hadn't sought proof via a past photo I had taken, I would have likely settled on the thought that I was imagining things and the tree had always been that chewed up. When in fact, that wasn't the case at all.

Proof helps us to strengthen our trust in ourselves and our intuitive connections.
It's easy to shut down the random ideas that pop into our heads. The more we do this the more we block our own line of communication within ourselves.

And communicating with ourselves is important!
As Plato (and I'm sure many after him) once said,
"thinking is the talking of the soul with itself."

If we can't talk with ourselves, then we can't listen either. And listening is the core of everything.

So, next time you find yourself uncertain by your own thoughts do yourself a favor - get out of your head and look for the proof.