Day 303: You're Interesting

Have you ever met someone new and thought, 'Wow, what an interesting life they've had!' or 'What an interesting person they are!'?

It's so easy to think about others and their different experiences and be in awe.
It's much harder, or so it seems to me, to have the same experience when thinking of oneself.

We all live different lives.
Some have a lot of variety.
Some contain a lot of similarities.
All are rich with experiences.
And to those who have not had the same (or even similar) experiences, the lives of others can sometimes take on an air of elevated appeal [or harsh criticism].

We compare and contrast to our own lived experience.
We attempt to relate.
And when we can't, we can enter into a veiled lens of lack or judgement.

"I wish my life was that impressive."
"I wish I had a lot of different experiences like that."
"I wish I [insert any relevant comparative change here]."
"I'd never want to experience that!"
"Why would anyone ever want a life filled with [insert topic of criticism here]".

But we don't have to look through the Lack Lens of judgment.
In fact, some of us don't (at least not routinely).
Because we always have at LEAST one other option available to us. 

I'd venture to say we always have at least TWO other options available to us at all times.

Neutrality - seeing the differences in life experiences between yourself and others, as simply that.

And Aspiration - seeing the differences in life experiences between yourself and others and recognizing a want or desire for yourself. 

Lack and Aspiration are two sides of the same coin.
Neutrality is what binds them.

We experience lack when we allow unchecked judgement. We see/hear/learn about something that we desire, but are unable to register the aspiration because our judgement is telling us that we can never have it.

We experience aspiration when we see/hear/learn about something that we desire, and are able to register the aspiration because judgement is absent. We are purely tapped into our state of interest and whatever makes us lean in and listen up.

So what do Lack and Aspiration have to do with how interesting we find ourselves?

Everything.

If we have an experience in which we worked towards an aspiration, we are most likely going to view that as pretty cool and interesting.

If we have an experience in which we judge our situation or others for the meaning we aren't finding, then we're more inclined to look down on our experiences.

And then there's the In-Between.

Because nothing in life is 100% binary.
Things are not always black or white, yes or no, right or wrong.

The In-Between is where I have found myself caught for years. Downplaying accomplishments and normalizing successes.

Why?

Because in the In-Between we haven't completed our internal assessment of life experiences. We haven't consciously explored and acknowledged what we have really learned and gained from them.

The In-Between is the staircase between movement and stagnancy.

We can only move up the steps when we are able to acknowledge, embrace, learn from, and genuinely appreciate each experience we have.

By the very virtue of being a living, breathing human you will experience life in a way that is unique to you. This is the sole prerequisite to claiming the title of 'interesting.'

Who knew it was as easy as experiencing life just as we are?! 

The struggle comes in seeing ourselves - and experiences - objectively and without judgement.

Day 302: American Dream

I used to think that the American Dream was more of a pipe dream.

Something that was nice to imagine, but virtually impossible to achieve - at least for most people.

Perhaps part of why I had a hard time buying into the idea was because I'm not particularly patriotic. And my reality certainly isn't dream-like.

But then I realized, I barely even allowed myself to dream.
To dream a dream the size of an American Dream.
Never allowed myself to dream a dream of my wildest dreams.

Because I didn't know what that was.
Because I didn't know who I was.

Thinking about it now, I have a very different perspective.

I still fully believe that the 'American Dream achievement plan' that has been seared into my brain since childhood of being 'self-made' and 'pulling yourself up by the bootstraps [without help from anyone]' is not a viable plan for more than a sliver of the population.

So, yes, if using that approach, the American Dream for many folks is impossible. It is a pipe dream.

However - 

If you change your approach you will always change your outcome.

These days, I believe the American Dream really can be achieved by everyone. But they have to find the route that works best to get there.

And, perhaps even more importantly, they need to be clear on where 'there' is - for them.

Everyone's dream is different.
Everyone's dream is valid.
Everyone's dream is possible.

When we pair knowledge of self and what tugs at our heart with knowledge of the thoughts and approaches that feel and work best, nothing can keep us from what we find truly important.

Day 301: Why Are You Yelling?

 

Remember those slumber parties as a child where you were having so much fun that you didn't even realize you were yelling until your friend's mom came in three plus times to tell you to be quieter?

Imagine if that happened every time you were
around a person you really liked a lot - as an adult.

Day 300: Tamagotchi Bodies

"Wow, it's so crazy that I'm in charge of taking care of this body
- and it has to last me my whole life!
Who let me have that responsibility?!"

I remember exactly when my friend, Elsa, shared these thoughts. 

Well - more or less, when - I know it was some time between 2013 - 2016.
And, ok, those might not have been her exact words, but they capture the same sentiment.

This sentiment was one I had never before encountered. So, naturally, it really stood out to me.

Sure, we have bodies and we are living, breathing, things. But the connection had never really been made that part of this living was taking care of the vessel that carries us around. Taking care of our bodies.

Immediately, Giga Pets and Tamagotchis came into mind (the virtual pet toys that were all the rage during my elementary and middle school years).

It's pretty much the same concept, if you think about it.
During those preteen years, I witnessed many friends relish the ability to raise and care for these fake pets on an itty-bitty screen. (I never had one.)

[Annoying alert sounds] "Oh, it's hungry! Time to feed him!!"

It was a drop-everything-you're-doing-or-else sort of infatuation.
Because if you didn't, it could end up in death - of your Tamagotchi/Giga Pet.

I feel like we could do well to think of ourselves, our bodies, the very things that allow us to sustain life, the same way.

If we don't stop what we are doing to take care of ourselves, we will die.
Albeit, slowly, but still. 

I also think of real, living pets. Say, a dog, for instance.
Most pet owners wouldn't get a dog and then only feed it garbage.
They wouldn't get a dog and then never take it outside to play or go on walks.
Most pet owners wouldn't get a dog and then neglect it when they saw signs of pain, limping, sickness or other things out of the ordinary.

And yet, as humans, we do this to ourselves all of the time.

I think it's easy to forget that we also are animals that need caring for.
The only difference is, we're providing that care for ourselves.

Regardless of where it's coming from, the importance and need remains the same; just as when we were babies and others cared for us. Over time, we were unceremoniously (and often invisibly) passed the torch to carry on this same care for ourselves.
Because we are now able to do so.

But we often don't. 

The baby is crying, the dog is barfing, the tamigotchi or giga pet is hungry.
We take note. We stand at attention. We do what needs to be done.

I'm crying, I feel sick or 'off,' I'm hungry (likely in more than just a physical aspect).
We often feel the need to put off our own care, seeing other things or other people as higher priorities.

Here's the thing - we can't live if we're not alive.
And we can't come alive if we aren't nurtured.

We CAN experience fulfillment and delight, just as our pre-teen-hearted selves did when caring for our electronic pets in their tiny screen homes. 

We CAN experience ourselves as happy and thriving - and doing cute things that melt our own hearts, as if we, too, lived in a Tamagotchi world.

This and more is possible - and it starts and ends with us.

What in your world is needing your own attention?
Perhaps it's time to give yourself the nurturing you need and deserve.

Day 299: Bread Delivery?

I see this vehicle almost every morning.
When I get up early enough, that is.

At first it seemed a bit suspicious. 

Why is this man just hanging out in the back ally, lurking around his car in the early morning?

It took many dawn sightings before I finally saw some action.
And it wasn't the dog walking kind, if you know what I mean...

It was an interaction with an old woman. 

She slowly made her way down the alley, empty tote bag in hand.
Then she'd hold it open, upon reaching the back of the car, and the man would put several loaves of bread inside.

In a handful of observations, I spotted the money transfer only a time or two.

And while it all looked pretty innocent, I still haven't ruled out the possibility that it's actually a very good cover for some sort of covert, black-market, bread ring . . .

Day 298: What A Hickey Taught Me

"I don't do some of the things I want because I'm
worried about someone seeing and commenting on it."

That sounds like a reasonable thought, given the title.

The funny thing is, that statement wasn't in reference to a hickey at all!
It was about a jacket.

My crew neck leopard print jacket.

I've had it for years and hardly ever wear it.
I like it.
I like the idea of it.
But it doesn't match the false identity I bind myself to, in my head.
- So I fear it.

What's the identity?
Low maintenance, laid back, effortless - (imagined in the most appealing way, though the reality really is that I put in no effort).

'And leopard print is the kind of thing worn by someone who wants to be seen.'
I was just starting to get comfortable with ME seeing me.

So I didn't wear a jacket that I liked.

"Wow, I'm not doing something that I like - because I'm imagining that someone else will . . . what?"

I had never played the scenario out to the end.
There was nothing specific to be feared or tried to avoid.
There was nothing negative.

My fear isn't of someone commenting on my jacket choice. 

It's of them noticing it.

My fear is of being seen.

Ugh.  It was great to uncover that nugget, but - come on!- how long is it going to take until I get to the bottom of this whole "fear of being seen" thing??!?

If you couldn't guess, this is a recurring pattern I've discovered.
And it stands in the way of me and pretty much everything I want to accomplish in life.

That sounds super dramatic. But it is true.
And, not in a complaining, "life is so unfair," kind of way.
More in a "I really want to get going with all of the dreams, goals and ideas I have and it's going to be so great when I am doing them - and feeling so at ease!" kind of way.

I want it now!
But, I'm also a bit scared at the idea of my life being as great as I imagine.

That's where the fear is really coming from.  

The fear of not being able to do it -
because I've never never given up on something.
I've always taken "no" for an answer.
And to do things different from the ways I'm familiar - is scary!

It's scary to challenge my beliefs and the ways they limit me;
To be consciously aware of the thoughts that pass in my head.
It's scary to decipher that if I really believed the message of the opening quote -
I would never be able to live. 

Not really.
Not fully.

I don't want to live a restricted and happiness-limiting life.

So I'm going to learn how to live the opposite.
Starting with a leopard print jacket.

And also starting with selfies - because they also make me uncomfortable.

Day 297: Embracing Embarrassment

Everyone has experienced embarrassment.
Whether it was something they did or a situation they experienced.

Feeling embarrassed doesn't feel good - physically or mentally.

If you're anything like me, you literally feel more uptight or rigid and you have trouble concentrating on anything else (like the things you actually need to focus on!).

When I feel embarrassed, it's a near guarantee my energy will tank and I'll start imagining all sorts of  unwanted attention from others in my head.

Notice I said imagining.
The things we imagine others will think, say, or do (about anything) are simply that - imaginings.
Made up scenarios that aren't real.

Even if we do perceive a real life experience to be every bit as mortifying as what we conjured in our heads, more often than not it's due to how we are interpreting it rather than how things were intended.

That's because we are looking for something specific.
We are looking for proof.
But not the objective kind that we can learn from.
We're looking for the subjective proof that is biased and unkind and feeds on our insecurities.

So, we can go that route and be miserable or we can make another choice.

When presented with the same set of options the other night, I decided to go with the latter and take action on the things I could control.

My recent embarrassing experience may or may not have involved needing to cover up a particular area of the body due to some unintentional and unsightly markings.

Knowing that I don't have the current skills, supplies, or interest to learn how to master the magic of makeup coverup, I focused on my next available option.

Turtlenecks.

I owned a total of 2. 

Last time I checked there were more than two days in a work week.
I needed to get more.

So I did!
And I still felt stressed out.

Then I identified what else was within my control - the exact outfit I would wear.
Tomorrow.
And the day after that.
And after that.

I planned out a whole week's worth of outfits and dare I say it  - I had fun doing it?!
Once I had finished, something was strange.
Was I feeling  . . . confident?! At least a little?

I was.

The next morning I shared my ordeal with my sister, who responded exactly as was needed:

It's just like Brene Brown says about keeping things to yourself, keeping secrets. The only way to be free from embarrassment and shame - is to share it.
It releases it's power and allows you to be what you've always been - 

Human.

So, did I go to work feeling confident and care free?
Absolutely not!
But I did feel a LOT better about things that I did the night before.
And that was a good enough win for me!