Day 284: Sadness = missing details

Sadness* is too vague for me.
As someone who requires a lot of details in order to more fully understand something, sadness is my least favorite emotion.

Obviously, it doesn't produce the most desired feelings in the world. But that's not the main reason it ranks last for me. It's because it's the hardest emotion for me to sort through and understand.

I used to think disappointment was my least favorite emotion. But once I learned that disappointment is just unmet or misplaced expectations, it's power has significantly diminished.

The more I think about sadness, however, the more I recognize that it is more of a catch-all, holding cell term [at least for me]. Perhaps it's because sadness is such a catabolic energy level that it's hard to shift into a different perspective to gain more information. Because that sort of movement requires energy, and there's already very little energy to to be had (when experiencing sadness).

But once extra energy is gained and insights, perspective shifts, and greater understanding have been achieved, sadness starts to transform. It no longer has a blobby, heavy, undefined form. 

As it comes into focus, it actually has a very clear form - and it's not sadness at all (or purely)! But rather, it's a mix of emotions that had previously been entangled with each other. And now the loose ends are visible and it's possible to separate them from each other. With this separation comes a lifting and calming feeling. And that's something I can always get on board with!

So what's the moral here? I guess it's that there's always a deeper reason for everything. And if you're struggling to see it and can't figure it out, it might be worth enlisting the help of a trusted friend and confidant.

.... I know someone with years of sewing experience, which means she can help you untangle any knot!

And also, it's ok to feel sad. There's a time and place for everything in life. And everything serves a purpose.

*Please note, I am not talking about clinical depression

Day 283: Friend Types

Have you ever thought about how you categorize the people you know?
Or more specifically, how you categorize what the people you know mean to you?

For the longest time I've used the blanket term of 'friend' for pretty much anyone I've established some sort of bond with and generally liked as a person.

But as I've aged, I've noticed that things sometimes get tricky with such a catch-all term. And likewise, with the definition of 'like.' 

There seems to be quite a range between the 'like' I experience with best friends I've known for years and friends I enjoy seeing, but don't want to spend more than an hour or two with at a time.

Why does this matter? 

I'm not sure. 

But in my head I've found the growing need to get clearer on how I identify the wide range of company I keep.

This is probably impacted, in large part, by my new-found appreciation and respect for my own time. 

The time I spend with myself.

Personal time. 

'Me' time.

Given that, it makes sense that I'd want to be more intentional about how and with whom I spend my time.

There will always be 24 hours in a day.

There will always be things to do, places to go, and people to see.

But there no longer needs to be a compulsion or pressure to give everyone in the 'friend' category identical time and attention. (Or maybe this is just me trying to shake people pleasing tendencies...)

 

Our lives are made up by countless numbers of relationships and all of them are different. They are all different because they all serve their own purpose. 

A relationship (of any kind), when broken down, is simply how one is in relation to another person.

So far I've been able to narrow down my behavior/state of being in relation to others into the following general categories:

People I know
These are the people . . . I know.
I know who they are and they know/remember me.
Maybe I've known them for a long time, maybe it's only been a short while.
Generally, these are the people who are identified by how I know them [i.e. classmate, coworker, person on the bus] rather than who they are to me.

Acquaintances

These are people with whom I am friendly and have some sort of active shared connection. Interaction is typically enjoyable, but more sporadic. Generally, I'm not going to invest a lot of extra effort to spend time with these people, because - inertia. This is the small talk category.

Now come the harder categories:
Friends

These are the people I like, have fun with, and enjoy some sort of bond. We have general knowledge over the elements of each other's lives, though maybe not to an intimate degree. I'm willing to put in extra effort to sustain the relationship, but usually after it's thought up/initiated by the other person. Experiences together create fond memories, but not necessarily impact. This is also the category in which I feel most compelled to be 'on.'

Good Friends

The people I love spending time with and have shared interests, passions, and values. With them I am an open book (though I may choose to flip past certain chapters). I may not see them or talk to them all of the time - or even frequently - but when I do, it's as if no time has passed and we pick up right where we left off. They impact my life and who I am.

Best Friends

The people who love and know me best (and vice versa). The people who give me energy and lift me up, regardless of the fact that I'm an introvert and require alone time to fully recharge. These are the people I feel completely comfortable with and free to just be. These are the people that not only see the best in me, but will call out my worst in order to help me gain awareness and grow. They are forever.

I think I still have some work to do on these distinctions - and I can't help but feel there's a category missing between Acquaintances and Friends . . .
 

But as they are, they are helping me to better set expectations for myself. 

When I can more clearly see how I feel and engage in relation to others, I am better able to show up, feel, and allocate my energy and time in a way that benefits me.

And when we do things that are beneficial for ourselves, we have more energy to help others do the same (even without trying!).

Day 282: Overshare

. . . maybe keep it to yourself next time . . .

 

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Day 281: Mindset: Dating vs Promotion

I've been writing about dating a lot, it feels like, over the past few months.
But that's because I've been learning so much from it!!

Like, in other areas of life . . . outside of dating.

The most prominent learning to date (no pun intended) - is in creating my own coaching business.

I had a session with my coach, Audrey, in which we used the learning I've gained from shifting my beliefs and approach to dating and applied it to my business. More specifically, promoting my coaching services and attracting my ideal client.

I have some pretty deep limiting beliefs that are getting in the way of me feeling comfortable and at ease when it comes to self-promotion. But crazily enough, the steps to work through them seem to be same as I have learned to take in dating.

It starts with the mindset.

Since mindset plays a huge role in just getting out of the gate, it can be helpful to identify one in which you already feel confident and comfortable. 

Once you have that mindset in mind, describe it. 

I explained to Audrey, "with the mindset I have about dating - it's not a need, it's a bonus. I have a clearer idea of how I feel and want to show up in life. And this helps me to navigate new connections - measuring if they amplify or detract from how I want to feel."

So, identifying how you want to feel and having a set of criteria you can use to measure that feeling, in order to direct your next steps.

After that we briefly explored the question, What am I seeking to gain?
Or as Audrey rephrased it, What would light the fire in you?
Or as I'm thinking about it now, What makes me come alive?

For me, it's passion.
Doing anything I'm passionate about lights my fire and makes me come alive. And the thing I'm most passionate about is coaching. But more specifically, it's:
- personal development
- exploration of self
- making the world better for oneself and others

To be completely honest, I don't light up at the name of 'coaching,' but it encapsulates the pieces that do set me ablaze, so it will do for now.

Next, I was asked who came to mind when I thought about my ideal client.
I hesitated to answer, not trusting what just popped into my head.
It was my younger self, past Sarah.  

This isn't an uncommon thing. Humans, by and large, want to do something connected to their own lived experience.

Despite this, my hesitation continued. 'Is it ok for my ideal client to be myself?'
Hazey had made her entrance.

But not soon enough, as we were already to the next step of breaking down the imagined person into key characteristics.

Characteristics of past Sarah:
- people pleaser
- finding it hard to say 'no'
- not knowing what she wants
- not feeling fulfilled
- thinks others need to be put before herself
- doesn't know how to say 'yes' to herself

We were reaching the end of our session by this point and I now had,
1) a more helpful mindset
2) criteria for how I want to feel: passionate (but also inspired and energized)
3) criteria on what I'm looking for (client-wise): [above]

I was then tasked with the assignment of describing past Sarah and giving her story - which I am procrastinating on by writing this blog post.
. . . But, at least it got me thinking about it!!

It's only a [short] matter of time before -
"Hey, World! This is me and this is what I'm looking for!"

Day 280: Take Get Wish Want

Now that Thanksgiving is over and we've turned the page on gratitude, it's a great time to put a spotlight on something else.

Expectations.

I was reflecting on some things - as I do, because I love having myself a good think - and the theme of 'expectations' kept popping up.

Expectations touch every facet of life and will have the same formula no matter the topic. For me, the topic of focus during my Turkey Day Morning Think was relationships and how I approach them.
Or more specifically, how I approach dating.

For a long time, I sought out what I thought I wanted.
No, scratch that - I didn't seek anything out. I let things come to me because I didn't know what I wanted (or that I had the autonomy to choose, for that matter).

This resulted in relationships, both good and bad, ending up with the same outcome -

Disappointment.

I didn't know what I wanted so instead I would 'take what I could get.'
But what I could get was never what I wanted.
And despite not knowing exactly what that was, I did have a vague idea of what it wasn't. Armed with this realization, I would continue on wishing for things to be different and the situation to magically become what I actually wanted. 

It never did.

 

Take + Get + Wish + Want = Disappointment

In all situations and experiences there will always be multiple factors at play.
In my previous dating experiences, low self-esteem and social conditioning played a HUGE role in my behavior and situational tolerance. 

 

But so did my expectations.

 

The biggest reason being - my expectations were misdirected.

I put all of my expectations onto others.
Expectations of things we would do, expectations of how we connect, even expectations of how I'd feel about myself.

I took no responsibility for my role in relationships or for my own happiness.

The realization of this was MIND BLOWING (and heart wrenching). 

The shift from placing expectations on others to placing expectations on myself was - not gonna lie - kind of confusing and incredibly uncomfortable.

I wasn't used to it.

It felt weird and awkward and . . . vulnerable.

It meant getting clear on what my values were. And following them.

It meant getting clear on what I wanted and how I wanted to feel.

It meant relearning how to listen to myself - my gut/intuition, my energy levels, my body, even my thoughts (those fleeting initial thoughts that are quickly overcome by overthinking).

With these things in mind - and with practice - I was able to create a new formula that worked better for me. A formula that, while not always getting me what I wanted, absolutely moved me closer towards it.

A formula that only I can solve.

 

Values + Intent + Self-Trust + Openness = Learning

 

This new approach helped me to understand and discern the various experiences I want to have. 

 

No matter the topic, focus, or people involved - be it work or play, independent or in a group - carrying one's own expectations is like a secret weapon. It provides the learning and agency needed to have autonomy over one's happiness.

Day 279: Remember to be Thankful for . . .

Yourself.

As we fully enter the holiday season - and especially on this day dedicated to giving thanks - lets not forget an often overlooked recipient.

Ourselves.

It's important to reflect on all of the things, people, opportunities, and day to day realities we have in our lives and take time to really appreciate them.

And it's also important to turn this spotlight on ourselves. Because if we didn't exist, it would be impossible for us to appreciate anything.

Allow me to get a little more specific.

Let's shine a spotlight on all of the things we like about ourselves.

This may or may not being a challenging task, so I'll throw out another idea.

Let's reflect on all of the experiences we've made it through.

Every life is different, yet every life has challenges. We're not dead which means we've survived a lot of stuff - both big and small.

Appreciate that!

Appreciate and give thanks for what you have overcome, what you have learned, and where you are now.

Don't like where you are now?

Great news - it's not permanent!

Like where you are now?

Great news - it's not permanent!

We are always changing and thus, have the opportunity to continuously enhance our lives.

The choice is ours.

And it starts with the often overlooked act of appreciating ourselves.

Day 278: Allowed to Flow, All Systems Go

I recall, from the not so distant past, learning about the state of 'flow.'
Some might also call this being 'in the zone' or in one's 'element.'

 

The idea of there being a state in which things become essentially effortless (and also productive) always seemed a bit elusive to me. Not in that I could never reach it, but rather it was not something I could plan or initiate - it just happened by chance and I had to take advantage when it did.

 

Always gotta be prepared to catch the flow!

Sheesh! 

Ok, that's not a 100% true sentiment, but it does illustrate a hardwired habit I have (and I'm willing to guess many others share, as well). And that is, trying to anticipate and predict the unknown future in an effort to push various goals and agendas forward.

 

Planning, planning, planning! Editing, judging, restricting, refining - repeat. 

Written out, this sounds intense - and slightly insane. And really not appealing at all . . . And yet it's become a routine and normal 'way of life.'

The thing is, this is not a natural way of thinking/living/approaching life.
It's a learned way.

Which means there are alternative ways of experiencing life to be tried out that might be more appealing and - dare I say it - more enjoyable!

I bring up the topic of restriction a lot - and there's a reason for it. 

And I'm going to bring it up again!
The reason being, restriction is cultivated by judgement. Fueled by assigning labels and value to things that are, in reality, completely neutral.

A great example of this is dieting.

It always starts with a judgement, "I need to lose weight" [often code for: 'I'm not good enough as I am']

Then come the labels - slapping 'Bad' onto where you're at now and 'Good' onto your ideal.

But what if we gave up the judging and restriction?

What if we could train ourselves to flow on the regular??

I'm starting to believe we can. And I think it starts with a seemingly simple concept: allowing.

That means exactly what it sounds like -

Opening your mind like a door so that whatever thoughts, ideas, or feelings are there can walk on through as they please. 

What's that? Turning your mind into an open door is not the visual that pops up for you?
. . . Well, now you have another option to work with! You're welcome 😜.

Allowing does not mean accepting or agreeing.

Allowing does not imply truth or validity.

Allowing provides space, time and movement.

And those are three things we can all use a little more of.
Because if you think about it, the absence of space, time, and movement is a recipe for . . . constipation.

I don't know about you, but I don't particularly like to be blocked up. 

 

So instead, I'm gonna try to remember this little ditty:

When I am allowed to flow, all systems go.

Why not see what happens when we leave our judgements, labels, and restrictions at the door?