Day 264: Being Nice

'I was just being nice.'

"Try to be nice."

'I thought you were nice.'

How many times have you thought or heard these statements - directed towards yourself or someone else?

I've heard them a LOT.
For 33 years.

And it's taken me 33 years to understand that 'being nice' is not something I need to do.
It might not even be a thing to strive for at all.

What does it mean to be 'nice,' anyway?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, nice (adjective) means:

1. Polite, kind
2. Pleasing, agreeable
3. Socially acceptable: well-bred, respectable

Do any of these stand out as potentially problematic to you?

It's possible none do.
But for a recovering people-pleaser, #2 is a slippery slope.
At least for me.

You see, it's a question of who the noun is pleasing or agreeable to that matters the most.

As one who has lived a life of 'being nice' and doing things I don't really want to do, but rather felt I should do, this is everything.

If you're anything like me, you associate 'being nice' with being a 'good person.'
So if you aren't 'nice' then you aren't a 'good person,' either.

In this all-or-nothing mindset, neutral doesn't exist.
It's polar opposites - only.
If you're not 'being nice,' then you're 'being mean.'
If you're not a 'good person,' then you're a 'bad person.'

Strangely enough, with this way of thinking, it's impossible to just be 'a person.'
It's impossible to just 'be.'

Here's the reality, if you don't do something that would be pleasing or agreeable for someone else, it doesn't automatically mean they will be displeased or upset as a result.

In most cases, it won't mean anything to the other person at all!
Their life will carry on in the same way it had before you were asked or had the thought to 'be nice.'

'Being nice' is often a scapegoat used to avoid [potential] feelings of discomfort, insecurity or lack.

Notice how I slipped the word, potential, in there?

That's because just the thought of feeling any sort of emotional discomfort is enough to change our actions. The fear of what might happen is stronger than we may realize.

We ok, I (I won't speak for everyone else), get so caught up in not wanting to 'hurt the other person's feelings,' that I hurt myself instead.
The hurt may not be registered as any type of pain, but it will absolutely show up as drain.

Energy drain.

This can manifest in different ways. A dip in mood, feeling more tired or less engaged, lack of patience or heightened frustration are a few examples of how you can tell if your energy is draining.

What I'm coming to learn is, we don't really do anyone any favors by doing what [we think] they want or doing what we think we should do.

That's not to say, be a jerk and only think about yourself.
It's also not to say that we should never do things we don't want to do in an effort to help others.

The key driving force of our actions should come from a genuine place; tapping into our core values.
Funny enough, this is always going to be a bit self-serving - but in the best way possible.
When we live out our values in real life, 9 times out of 10, we get a boost of energy which contributes to others being better off as well.

So next time you find yourself waffling back and forth over if you should 'be nice' or not, consider what your decision would be if you would remain 'nice' regardless of your choice, and go with that.

Day 263: Eclipse Election

I set my alarm for 4:50am this morning.

Not so I could be first in line at the voting polls (I already voted by mail - yay, me!) or because that's the time I normally get up, but so I could try to catch a glimpse of the Lunar Eclipse.

My hope was that, not only would I be able to see it, but I could stay inside and view it from my window. And wouldn't you know it - I could! (Let's hear it for west facing windows!!)

This eclipse was called a blood moon eclipse -  and I get why. It had an eerie, red hue.

Upon gazing at it for a few moments, I couldn't help but wonder if this was some sort of blatant symbolism.

After all, it is election day, today; and in a time in which political opinions and parties are starkly divided. Rather than a bright, clear full moon before me, there was a dark, red full moon.

It seemed a bit ominous.

As real as the symbolism may or may not be, it's important to remember - especially in times of darkness or struggle - that nothing is permanent.

Everything has a cycle. A start and an end, and then another new beginning.
Just like fashion trends, hate it or love it.

And, like I shared a few days ago, we are always changing - even it if seems that it is the world changing, instead.

No matter the situation we find ourselves in, we always have a choice. A choice of how to think and a choice of what we focus on.

Do we want to focus on the things that fuel lack, despair, and hopelessness?
Or do we want to focus on those which fuel hope, energy, and passion?

That's not to say ignore all of the things that bring you down and pretend like they're not happening. But rather, try approaching things from a more empowered place in order to take in a new perspective.

Just as the moon holds beauty in any light, so does life.
But we have to choose to see the beauty.
We have to choose to see - the whole picture. 

It is with openness and curiosity that we can find deeper meaning and appreciation for everything.

It bears repeating, no matter the situation we find ourselves in, we always have a choice.

Are you going to set the alarm in order to wake up and experience things for yourself?

Or are you going to sleep in and accept whatever 2nd/3rd/4th hand news that comes your way?

You get to decide.

Day 262: On Aging

It's interesting to see the difference in opinion on aging when it comes to humans versus essentially everything else. 

Think about a tree. 

Trees have various aging cycles. 

While they may take hundreds of years to reach the end of their life, there are many cycles of change along the way. 

Or perhaps, it's easier to think about the life of a flower. 

Flowers start with sprouts from the ground, quickly growing leaves and stems, and eventually a bud.  The flower blooms and pollination occurs, perhaps even turning into something else.

But eventually, the flower will die.
Slowly losing its petals, one by one. Until all that remains is an empty stock. 

When we see such things we don't shy away from them.
We accept them.
We know that that is the lifespan and cycle of a flower.
We get to enjoy their beauty and fragrance, but it won't last forever. And we're okay with that. 

Maybe this okay-ness comes from knowing that next year there will be more flowers.

But it's not the same with people. 

Our life cycles, though much faster than a giant tree, move much slower than a flower. 

And in the world I grew up in, and live in now, the view on aging is quite unkind. 

Aging is looked at, I think, with fear and dislike. 

With aging comes wilting. 

Our flowers are no longer fully vibrant and appealingly fragrant. 

Looks and color are fading. 

The vibrancy of youth - of blooming - is no longer.

We are taught that life is better when we're constantly blooming. 

But to constantly bloom - to never wilt - is impossible. 

Because the energy required is unsustainable. 

I wonder what it would take for our society to shift to a different way of thinking? 

To a way of thinking in which we can appreciate the beauty in every stage of our life cycles.

Where one phase of life isn't held up as the single thing to aspire to (be forever).

I think part of the dislike of aging comes from a lack of fulfillment experienced in each phase of life.

And with that lack, comes a good amount of fear. 

Because if we're on the downward turn, if we're starting to wilt, there's no telling how much time we have.
And, unless I somehow missed this lesson, we were never explicitly taught how to appreciate the life we have, the people we are, or the people we were. 

All of these things are important for graceful aging. 

All of these things are important for a happy life. 

All of these things are necessary to embrace change and welcome it at every phase.

Day 261: Squash Seed Roast

Remembering our fallen heroes. 

Approximately one week ago, dozens and dozens of fresh-faced Seeds began Basic Cleaning.

It was a long and frigid week.

Some wondered why it was taking so long to complete. 
"Why are we still in the fridge?! I'm ready to see some action, now! I'm ready!"

Patience.

Patience is a virtue and we rely on all of our Seeds to have this virtue.
Especially, in heated times of pressure.

Finally, after a grueling 7(ish) days, Basic Cleaning was complete.

These guys were now on Roast duty.

About 3/4 through their shift, a "Pop! Pop! Pop!" sound, like popcorn, was heard coming from the oven!

I raced over, but it was too late.
They were already fallen soldiers when I arrived.

These were the sole survivors . . . 

. . . minus the seeds I already ate.

Day 260: World Change

I wasn't sure what to write today, so I thought I'd pick a quote and share some thoughts on it.

I went to the Quotes & Phrases note in my phone where I collect quotes and phrases that resonate with me.

This is what jumped out:

The world doesn't change, you change.

Wow.
That's a big one.
Do I really want to share my thoughts on this one . . . ?

On the micro level, I can easily get on board with this.
As one's view of, and relationship with, oneself changes, one's perception of the world will also reflect such changes.

But on the macro level it becomes a bit harder . . .
One could argue, "if the world doesn't change, then why are there things like crime, radical politics, and racism becoming more and more prevalent?"

My answer to this question (which, full disclosure, only formed as I was typing the question) would be:

Not all personal changes are for the better.
Furthermore, not all personal changes are intentional.

Think about the world in which we live. A world where the general population is not taught the importance of self-knowledge.
Sure, knowing history and math is important, but if we can't function and navigate life in our internal world, do these things really matter?

If we can't discern our own wants and needs from the pressures and rules our society creates and tries to place upon us, it's a safe bet we're going to struggle, eventually. And our communities will reflect this.

Take our current Social Media Epidemic - yeah, I'm going there.
Depression, anxiety, and feelings of 'otherness' and isolation are on the rise. Meanwhile, self-esteem, self-worth, and strong emotional connection are on the steep decline. 

Change - of any kind - is an inside job.
Change - on any scale - starts on the individual level.

We are all agents of change - positive, negative, neutral. 

When you really look at the act of change, there is only the micro.
Change is the raindrop in the pond. We are the raindrops.
The ripples are the effect - the macro - what's visible and reflected to others.

So yeah, I'm on board with this quote no matter how I look at it.
And I'm glad I was willing to explore it!

Day 259: School of Un-Learning

I had a conversation with my co-worker today about the impact social conditioning has on our western civilization. 

. . . You know, light water cooler talk.

From a VERY early age, our sense of self-esteem and self-worth has already started to take a beating.
Especially, if you're raised as a girl (or minority).

"My niece is 7 and she already feels insecure about her body! 

I was talking to my therapist about this," my coworker shared. "She said you have to un-learn the harmful things you were taught. It's all about a mindset change. 
. . . I wish there was a school you could go to 'un-learn' things."

My immediate response: 

"There is! Well, not school, per se. But, coaching does this! It helps you identify the thoughts and beliefs that aren't helpful to you and replace them with thoughts and beliefs that are."

"If these were skills taught in childhood can you imagine how different the world would be?!? If we learned how to think this way as kids in school?? But it's not taught."

"Yeah," my co-worker chimed in, "because you can make money off of people feeling bad."

The truth of her final statement is gross. 

The reality that it's "normal" to dislike features of how you look or to have thoughts highlighting different angles of self-lack on a regular basis - is gross. 

But really 'gross' is just a catch-all phrase for the sadness, heartbreak, anger, and disgust I simultaneously feel when I think about it. 

Sadness for the pain that so many people experience.

Heartbreak for the collective inability of our society to see our own worth and value.

Anger that this is a real-life thing when it doesn't have to exist at all.

Disgust that the whole thing is fueled by money and power.

But also, I feel hope - and passion - in knowing that a self-injurious life and mindset does not have to be the norm; does not have to be the default. 

It is possible - for every human on this planet - to experience a life fueled by personally supportive thoughts and beliefs.

It is possible - for every human on this planet - to have acceptance and love for who they are, just as they are.

It is possible - but it takes hard work. 
Hard work that will never earn a certificate.

Hard work that will at some point seem like it's taking 'too long.'

Hard work that will change your life and how you function in it.

Day 258: Force

Forcing things sucks.

It doesn't feel good and it's draining.

And yet we live in a world where forcing oneself to do things is the norm.

What the heck?!
That's messed up.

Can you imagine if flowers were forced to bloom before they were ready?
They would likely be washed out in color, odorless, and would prevent other plants from becoming pollinated.

Read that last part again: prevent other plants from becoming pollinated.

I don't know if this is actually what would happen if a flower were forced to bloom, but it's a great analogy for my actual point. 

When we force things, we miss out on all of the benefits that can be gained from when they happen in their own time. And we're often less open to collaboration, unplanned learning opportunities, and patience. Thus, effectively closing off to and shutting down others and sending the message that it's not ok to step outside the narrow-viewed line.

When we allow people to live their lives according to their own timelines, there is way more pollen to go around. And it comes in the form of happiness, joy, fulfillment, openness, and generosity.

. . . to name a few.

What areas in your life are you trying to force?
And how's that working for ya?

Might be time to try out a new approach . . .
Don't know how? Let's talk!

This could be you!