Day 259: School of Un-Learning

I had a conversation with my co-worker today about the impact social conditioning has on our western civilization. 

. . . You know, light water cooler talk.

From a VERY early age, our sense of self-esteem and self-worth has already started to take a beating.
Especially, if you're raised as a girl (or minority).

"My niece is 7 and she already feels insecure about her body! 

I was talking to my therapist about this," my coworker shared. "She said you have to un-learn the harmful things you were taught. It's all about a mindset change. 
. . . I wish there was a school you could go to 'un-learn' things."

My immediate response: 

"There is! Well, not school, per se. But, coaching does this! It helps you identify the thoughts and beliefs that aren't helpful to you and replace them with thoughts and beliefs that are."

"If these were skills taught in childhood can you imagine how different the world would be?!? If we learned how to think this way as kids in school?? But it's not taught."

"Yeah," my co-worker chimed in, "because you can make money off of people feeling bad."

The truth of her final statement is gross. 

The reality that it's "normal" to dislike features of how you look or to have thoughts highlighting different angles of self-lack on a regular basis - is gross. 

But really 'gross' is just a catch-all phrase for the sadness, heartbreak, anger, and disgust I simultaneously feel when I think about it. 

Sadness for the pain that so many people experience.

Heartbreak for the collective inability of our society to see our own worth and value.

Anger that this is a real-life thing when it doesn't have to exist at all.

Disgust that the whole thing is fueled by money and power.

But also, I feel hope - and passion - in knowing that a self-injurious life and mindset does not have to be the norm; does not have to be the default. 

It is possible - for every human on this planet - to experience a life fueled by personally supportive thoughts and beliefs.

It is possible - for every human on this planet - to have acceptance and love for who they are, just as they are.

It is possible - but it takes hard work. 
Hard work that will never earn a certificate.

Hard work that will at some point seem like it's taking 'too long.'

Hard work that will change your life and how you function in it.

Day 256: Model Communication

In keeping with the barely-there theme of pets, let's explore another facet of relationships - Communication.

Some might argue that relationships with pets and relationships with humans aren't the same because humans can communicate with each other. 

They speak the same language.

Do they, though??

More often than not - not really.

Sure, the people we have relationships with will, by and large, speak the same language in terms of words and sentence structure. But in the sense of definition and meaning, many humans speak completely different languages and don't even know it.

Why?

Because we all think differently. And I mean everyone - even twins (of which I am living proof)! 

As life-long residents of our own minds and bodies, we become so accustomed to our way of thinking, doing, behaving that when we encounter anything 'other' it is immediately flagged. And if you are anything like me, it is often flagged with outrage, disbelief, and/or Judgement.

'Why would So-and-so think that was ok?! That behavior is completely unacceptable!'

Perhaps the above thought passes through one's mind during an interaction with another person. 
Conflict ensues.

Will a remedy be found to smooth things over??

That depends . . . 
On what?

On one's level of self-awareness.

Anytime we have a reaction to something, it indicates that things are either in or out of alignment with our values and beliefs.

For instance:

Do you get irritated when others leave a(n originally) closed door open behind them or don't pick up after themselves, ever? 

This could be an indication that you hold the belief:
'things should be left the same or better than you found them' and to not do so is 'inconsiderate and rude' [to give a completely made-up example that has no meaning in my life whatsoever . . .]

Self-awareness allows us to identify such beliefs and discern the judgements we apply when unfollowed by others. This is the first step.

The second step of self-awareness is to assess our newly identified beliefs.
Sure, they were formed for a reason and at some point in time they were beneficial for us - but are they still helpful in the present?

In many cases - at least in my own experience - newly identified beliefs don't really help me much. The majority were created at a much younger age and served an important purpose. Yet, with the passing of time comes new needs and new beliefs to reflect the present day person. Thus, awareness of our beliefs - current and old - is the key to better communication.

When we know what thoughts we are actually working with (and under the direction of) we can then communicate more effectively with others - and, in time, become an example of model communication.

Day 248: Thought-Tracks

What a strange thing - to be aware of your own thoughts.
It can be really cool and illuminating to have a thought that reveals why you think other things.
It can also be terrifying.

For me - and I would imagine, also, many others - it may be near imperceptible what my thoughts are. My inner thought-track just plays as usual and I'm so used to it that I can't hear it at all.

Until I can.
In small sporadic fragments.

Coaching has helped me to increase this awareness and adjust the tuner a bit more to pick up a clearer signal. But it's a constant work in progress.

Last night I became aware that my internal thought-track is about myself.

It sounds kind of weird that this wasn't obvious before - it's in MY head.
Who else would it be about?!

Others.
Other people.
The unnamed, unknown, audience of my brain that my track narrates to.
The thoughts are never addressed to me, I, or Sarah.

They typically personify and separate parts of me for further commentary.

Such as my fingers.
I often hit the wrong letters when texting and get frustrated.

Last night it happened again, and I was quick to reprimand my unfocused digits.

"Fucking idiot."

[wide-eyed freeze]

Whoa.
Harsh!

For some reason this insult, which isn't particularly isolated, really caught my attention.

Because for the first time it dawned on me that the fingers I was verbally putting down - my fingers - are a part of me.

I was saying that to myself!

Immediately a "protective" thought swooped in.
'but you weren't calling Yourself a 'fucking idiot', you were saying it about the typos...'

Yeah, but I'm the only person here. The fingers belong to me.

I had no idea I was this unkind to myself.

Over the past year, I've come to realize the insecurities and personal hang-ups that I've been working through are rooted in unkindness towards myself. I've encountered the slightly dismissive enabling thoughts of
'yeah, but you're not that mean to yourself. It's not like you think to yourself, "I'm a worthless piece of shit", like some people do.'

Turns out, I wasn't dialed into the right frequency to pick up what was really happening.

Indeed, I was doing that -albeit with a different word choice.

But I had no idea.
I couldn't perceive it because the message, though audible in my head, was projected externally - targeting a person/body part/thing seemingly separate from me.

I didn't know I was projecting.
It just seemed like an off-handed commentary.
Like a funny or random passing observation.

Last night, however, my passing observation was reflected back and I saw it for what it was.

Negative self-talk.
But I wasn't just being unkind to myself, I was being cruel.

As someone who associates and wears the labels of 'good' and 'nice' with pride, this was a shocking and disheartening revelation.

But also an encouraging one.

I finally cracked the code.

I got a glimpse into what's really going on behind layers and layers and layers of closed mind doors.

It's not pretty, but the fact that I saw - and recognized - it once, means that I'll be able to do it again.
And again and again and again.

Building up awareness with each occurrence so that in time I'll not only be able to catch it faster, but I'll be able to replace the messaging with something more kind, loving, and helpful.