Day 176: Who Are You Pleasing?

I've been on my own personal growth journey for a little while now. But today I had a big realization of how I have been living my life.

By and large for the past 30 years, I have been living my life in a way that prioritizes pleasing and accommodating others. 

And let me tell you, that really gets in the way of one's ability to acknowledge - much less ask for - what one wants.

Because when you are functioning under the blueprint that your decisions need to always please other people, anything that strays from this feels wrong. To choose yourself first feels wrong. Like you will hurt others by your decision to choose yourself. 

But the reality is there's only one person actually living your life, taking care of your body, thinking your thoughts. 

And that's you - or in my case, me.

By that fact alone, choosing yourself first -prioritizing your wants, preferences and pleasures - is imperative for a happy and thriving life. Not just for you, but everyone around you.

When I was younger I often uttered the phrase "I aim to please!" in a joking way when saying or doing something that unintentionally made another person smile or laugh. Little did I know that what I said was absolutely true. 

 

I DID aim to please others - and I always had.

And it makes sense. Just think of the culture we live in in the US, with "the customer is always right" and "focus on the bottom line" mentality that is fed to us. We're constantly inundated with this idea that we need to do things to please or accommodate others. 

We're rarely shown an example of what it looks like to prioritize pleasing or accommodating oneself. And sadly, when we are, those involved are often [initially] labeled as trouble, rabble-rousers, revolutionaries, or anarchists. 

Not sure what I'm talking about? 

Think of the civil rights movement or the women's suffrage movement. These were both brought about by the desire and conviction for people to be able to live lives where they can be people - fully. Lives where they can make choices based on what is right and true for themselves rather than repressing their own wants and desires in order to further or soothe those of others.

It may seem like a bit of a drastic stretch but it paints the same picture. 

Choosing yourself first is important.

Your wants and preferences are important.   

Aim to please - starting with yourself.

Day 175: When Words Aren't Enough

When words aren't enough to get the message across . . .

. . . try adding a picture.

But in all seriousness, sometimes words aren't the right medium to fully deliver a message or meaning. Sometimes a different presentation or approach is necessary for something to really 'click.'

Think about a time when you were given the same information by multiple people. Did you ever notice that it wasn't until you heard it from a certain person - or had a specific experience - that the meaning of what everyone told you finally connected as intended?

It's the same concept as an idea my friend recently pointed out to me. "Graphic novels are really great for talking about difficult topics. They get the message across in a way words can't." 

I think the same can be said for life lessons and shifting outlooks. 

We can experience the same situation over and over and over again, but until we can interpret it in a new way we will never get the full meaning or message.

Day 174: Free Birthday Scoop

My twin sister and I recently went to Jeni's Ice Cream to take advantage of a free birthday scoop before it expired.

I'd been planning which flavor I wanted to get on the walk over. I was determined to use this free scoop to the fullest!

Imagine our surprise when, after walking in and mentioning our birthday coupons, we were informed that we can get up to THREE flavors!!

What do I do now?! How do I choose two more flavors, ensuring that I'll love them?!

The only way possible - sampling. And I sampled quite a few flavors.

At last, my scoops were making their way into the waffle bowl. With a little extra helping of the last flavor!

This was going to be great.

Sonia joined me at the table with her ice cream. "Guess what? They gave me extra scoops!"

"Me too!" I replied excitedly. 

And then she sat her bowl down next to mine. 

My excitement took a nose dive.

My bowl was on the right.

"What the heck?! You got so much more than me!"

"I don't know," Sonia responded gleefully. "But you can have some of mine if you want."

Comparisons aside, I thoroughly enjoyed my ice cream. 

While my eyes were initially jealous of Sonia's ice cream serving, my stomach was pleased with what I received.

And for what may have been the first time in SoSa birthday gorging, I didn't walk home in discomfort. 

Moral of the story:
Comparisons will make you under appreciate what you have and jealousy will always end up in a stomachache.

Day 173: Impressions

Sometimes the simplest things leave the longest impressions

 

Day 172: You are the sky

You can direct your own mood at any time. 

It isn't dependent on an external situation or person. 

If you had told me this as a child, or heck - two years ago, I wouldn't have believed it was true - or even possible.

Growing up I was a very sensitive kid. I experienced highs and lows like the tide. I was often crying about something and trying hard to escape the label of 'cry baby.'

I was stuck in the unconscious belief that my mood (and thus, happiness) was contingent on the people around me and situations I found myself in.

It wasn't until I started coach training with iPEC in 2020, that the idea 'I am in control of me'- every single part - was explicitly introduced. 

We explored values and unearthed constants about ourselves that are central to who we are.

With additional training, reflection, and personal discovery I came to more clearly see and understand my default state. 

What I feel and exude when free from outside stressors or influencers; my most authentic self.

So what does this have to do with directing your own mood? 

Everything. 

Learning where you naturally reside - for me it's a state of joy, calm and creativity - gives you a home base to get back to. 

It is your constant. 

 

This quote by Pema Chödrön says it perfectly:

 

You are the sky. Everything else - it's just the weather.

 

No matter what comes your way, if you know your base you can always get back.

 

If you know your base you can direct your mood.

Day 171: Thirty-three things I've learned in 33 years of life

1. You can direct your own mood at any time (it isn't dependent on an external situation or person)

2. We are each solely responsible for our own happiness (no one else is responsible for this)

3. The things we gravitate towards most often are the things we like (even if we don't understand why or realize that we like them)

4. Self-awareness changes everything

5. Feelings aren't as scary as we are led to believe

6. It is okay - and important - to want things

7. The things we are intimidated by are often what we want the most

8. Judgments of others and situations are excuses to not see ourselves / feel what we really think or believe

9. If It makes You Happy - do it

10. The purpose of life is not to be 'productive' (this is still very much a work in progress for me)

11. Observation is the gateway to peace and calm

12. Insecurity and fear is no match for curiosity

13. You are so much more amazing than you can even see

14. 9.5 out of 10 times it's not about you - we're all just living in our own worlds without realizing it

15. You don't cause anyone else's feelings - and you're not responsible for them either

16. If you're interested in something - explore that interest

17. There is nothing wrong with you (outside of how you view yourself)

18. Take the time to understand your 'why' for everything

19. Don't 'should' on yourself

20. Get clear on your own definitions for everything

21. Nothing is easy / comes naturally when you're first getting started

22. Learn from everything - present, past, distant past and even future goals / ambitions

23. You are getting better and more amazing with age

24. Authenticity is best friends with confidence

25. We are all on our own timeline (meaning we will have experiences in our own time - not necessarily when society tells us they should happen)

26. You can't 'fix' anyone, take away their pain, or learn life lessons for them

27. Dairy makes you break out (no, just me?)

28. Listen to your body

29. If the thought crosses to your mind, don't ignore it (even if nothing comes from it. This is how you start strengthening intuition)

30. Dismantle society's life benchmarks and what they really mean and look like for you (ex- getting married, having kids, dating, etc.)

31. There are different types of friendship - and all are valuable, even if they don't last forever

32. Trust yourself

33. You are complete all on your own

Day 170: Pit Stops

What have the pit stops of your life path been, up to now?

Pits stops are where you rest, hang out, refuel.

They aren't destinations. 

Oftentimes, they aren't planned well in advance, either.
(Unless...wait, have I been doing this wrong?! Lucky for me, there's no such thing!)

Pit stops are where you stretch your legs - and maybe even try something new.

Pit stops are where you learn about life as well as yourself.

Wait a second, we're not talking about parked cars, picnic tables and bathrooms anymore, are we?

Nope! 

Pitstops are the life events that our journeys are made up of.

Some may appear luxurious. 

Some may seem unimpressive. 

Some may even stink. 

 

But all of them are important.

You get to choose to move on from your current pit stop if you want to change your situation.

You also get to choose to stay at your current pit stop.

The thing to remember is you get to decide where you stay and where you go.

Take control of the wheel.