Day 146: Life Events

I recently attended a good friend's bachelorette party. It took place in Nashville, a town known for being a bachelorette destination.

I wasn't too familiar with the city, as I'd never been there before. Which makes sense because I'm not a big country music fan. But for this special party I figured it would be a good time. And so did the bride.

We later discovered however, that some life events come with built in expectations. Expectations that need to be examined prior to the event in order to avoid disappointment. 

 

This was one such occasion.

Too bad we made it to this realization after the fact.

What were the unexplored expectations?

- That bachelorette parties are a wild time. 

- That they're filled with a lot of drinking and shrieking and attention-grabbing. 

- That they facilitate mingling and excitement. That they're the best party ever.

Or something along those lines . . . 

Our celebration didn't really look like that. 

The bride confessed to me her disappointment.

"It's just not what I was expecting. I was wanting to talk to people and mingle with other brides, cheering them on. I wanted to go somewhere and dance. And I tried really hard to like the music, but I just can't get into it..."

It appeared our celebration caught a case of the "shoulds." Trying to live up to the criteria our society paints of what a celebration of such a life event 'should' look like. 

Expectations of this kind don't take into consideration any unique identifiers such as, say, personality, tastes and preferences, influencers of enjoyment and comfort. You know, the things that make us all different.

 

So what type of expectations don't lead to disappointment? None, really. But more realistically, the expectations we set for ourselves in terms of how we experience things.  

Rather the resting the weight of satisfaction or enjoyment on external factors outside of our control (ex- strangers, music venues, etc), we can reel it in a bit to focus on the things that actually make experiences pleasant - our perception and interpretation of them.

When we shift the focus from external to internal, (how we view situations and are present in the moment) it becomes much easier to enjoy ourselves and create memories we want to remember.

Day 145: Intentional Pick-me-up

I went for a nature walk today looking for a pick-me-up after work. 

Pretty sure I was looking for something to magically grab my attention and throw me into a state of awe. And thus, a sort of reset.

[Because that's what usually happens on a nature walk! I see something really captivating and am filled with delight and awe. After that I always feel so calm and peaceful (if not a little excited)].

Kind of like seeing this photo from a different day.

I was looking for that feeling. 

But I wasn't really looking. I was more so hoping.

If I had been looking I would have sought out the hidden.

But today, I just wanted a quick fix that I didn't have to take any ownership over or exert any extra effort into.

Which is probably why this guy was the most eye catching thing I saw... 

It was a good reminder* that we get what we seek. 

To seek something out requires intention. Without intention, we're resigned to a life of taking what we're given - even if we don't want it.

*my original typo read: It was a god reminder, which I think is also accurate

Day 144: Innocent, yet inappropriate sounding quotes

I found a list I had written in Uganda - a decade ago. 

It was hilarious quotes of mine and Katie's that would have sounded inappropriate taken out of context. So here they are, largely out of context. 

*********************

“Cat, get out of my pants!”
[self-explanatory] But, in case it's not. At the house we rented there was a cat named Meow. If memory serves, Meow was getting cozy with a pair of Katie's leggings on the floor.

“If you come between my legs one more time, I’m going to squeeze you!!!”
[Me to the cat rubbing in between my legs]

“Come to mama”
[squeezing into the back of the car]

“Are you down for some action?” ‘I’m down for some action!’
[watching Mission Impossible]

“I need some more juice for my stick”
[usb internet modem]

“Should we take this to the bedroom?”
[cookie dough and parks & rec]

“Don’t worry, I don’t need you to take my bra off for me. I can do it with one hand.”
[Katie hurt her wrist so she can only really use one]

Day 143: The only way is Through

If you find yourself feeling resistance, avoidance, or just 'not good' regarding a particular situation, it's likely your inner self trying to tell you something.

And in my experience, the message is generally one I don't care to hear because it means . . . 

I can't go over it

I can't go around it

I have to go through it

Facing any feelings that do not feel good and peaceful is the quickest, most powerful way to shift them. 

It starts with answering - what am I actually feeling?
I don't know, but I don't like it!!

That's fair. If I were to guess what I'm feeling, what might that be? 
. . . ok, ok, I might be feeling . . [x]

Alright, now we're getting somewhere!

Next step - what are the thoughts fueling this feeling?

Continue this processes to chisel down deeper and deeper to get to the core of the discomfort. Even if it doesn't completely remove every ounce of discomfort, it should greatly reduce it's power.

**************

And don't forget, this type of quest into the unknown is only carried out by the brave.
You're a beast.
Don't let your fear laden thoughts convince you otherwise.

Day 142: Travel vs. Explore

"I love to travel." 
                               "I wish I could travel more."
                                                                                    "I can't wait to travel again."

I've been reading and hearing these sentiments a lot lately.  And it got me thinking about my own views on traveling and exploration. I'd never given it much thought before and here is what I discovered.

To travel and to explore are two different things.

To travel is to physically go to a different location.

To explore is to learn and grow.

I prefer to explore.

I prefer to have experiences that catch my eye, stimulate my mind, and touch my soul. 

This can happen while traveling. For instance, learning about different lifestyles or taking in new sights through interactive experiences. I want to be doing things unique to the place I am in. That's why I travel - to explore somewhere new.

But exploration can also happen from my own couch. I can explore just by inspecting my own thoughts and taking things in from different angles. I don't actually need to travel anywhere.

How interesting . . . 

To travel and to explore both present new opportunities, but they are definitely not one and the same.

Which do you crave more?

Day 141: Live Life like a Coaching Session

A very freeing thought occurred to me recently - 

I can live life like a coaching session.
I don't have to have everything tied up at the end.  
I can leave it wherever it is and reflect on what I've learned so far and the direction I can keep exploring.

This revelation was huge. And the use of 'revelation' is not exaggerated.

I shared the other day how Perfectionism's got it's hooks in deep in many areas of my life. This idea - to live life like in a coaching session - I believe, is powerful enough to disengage these hooks in a big way.

Why?

Because in [life] coaching, the goal is not to 'solve' something. The goal it's to 'understand' it. 

What happens when you understand something clearly?

The next steps, actions, and directions become obvious - they seem to reveal themselves. [Some may also call this a solution. ;)]

Whenever I have a session with my own coach, no matter where we are at in our exploration at the end of the hour, I always feel good and satisfied about where we leave things. Not because I always get to a crystal clear understanding of the topic at hand, but because I have explored areas - from angles previously unseen - that give me a different perspective to further consider.

I have a clear path forward to direct my focus, even if I haven't 'solved my problem.'

The reality of such sessions are:

• I still have some loose ends and things I don't know the answer to
• I have greater insight - and thus information - to call upon in order to approach the situation differently (/more effectively)
• There is reduced pressure to know how to do it/fix it/change it - i.e. reduced pressure to be perfect
   

If I can have this experience of greater freedom and ease in a coaching session, why couldn't I have it in life in general?

I can.

You can.

We can.

Not gonna lie, it takes Practice! And it's not instant or fast. But when we shift our focus to understanding over solutions, life starts feeling way better.

Day 140: Perfectionism Trap

A theme that keeps resurfacing for me lately is perfectionism.

The more I've been learning about myself, the less hidden this trip-up is becoming - which is great! And it's also really annoying.

"Ugh, Perfectionism, you strike again!!"

This thought has popped into my head more times than I would like over the past few months.

It's quite mind blowing how massively deep and wide the hold perfectionism has on my life; from which all-or-nothing thinking is a result.

I thought about making a list of all the areas perfectionism tries to control. But got overwhelmed at the idea and no longer wanted to do it (or perhaps didn't want to see it). It's a long list. Of that, I'm certain.

So, if perfectionism is such a puppet-master, how do I know when it's at work?

This will be different for each of us, but for me it shows up most prominently in the following ways:

• There is no middle ground. It's one thing or the other, right or wrong, good or bad.
• Things need to be instant. 
• A learning curve is NOT ok. 
• If you don't have the answers, you're failing. 
• And if you're not naturally skilled at something then you might as well not even try.

Ouch. This last one for me is particularly painful to realize. 

As someone who has always been pretty 'high-achieving' (by whose standards, specifically? I can't even tell you), I did what came easily to me: academics and art. 

The message was cemented in my little brain at a very young age that the areas in which I received outside validation were the areas I needed to spend my time.

Seeing this with fresh eyes as an adult is gross.

I've been holding myself back in soooo many ways and didn't even know it! Missing out on the thrill of trying new things, enjoying the process, and ultimately expanding my potential.

Why?

Because of fear.

The fear of not being good enough.

I think this is a fear we all have, in some form. The question I'm learning to ask myself now is:  

Good enough for who?