Day 268: Priority Rank

Have you ever felt like other people's wants and priorities are somehow more important than your own? That your priorities and wants are often outranked by others?

I've certainly felt like this - more than I'd care to admit - and I know a lot of other people have, too. Several possible reasons for this jump to mind, such as people pleasing, fear of being seen as 'selfish', or lacking awareness of one's own autonomy.

 

But the main reason we experience this feeling (at least in my mind), is communication - or rather, the lack thereof.

Communication is EVERYTHING.

No matter what the topic, who is involved, or what action is carried out, communication is necessary. And when there isn't adequate communication, things start to break down.

Systems start to breakdown.

People start to breakdown.

I think this idea of communication is central to carrying out one's own priorities and having them acknowledged and honored by others.

The first piece is communication with oneself.
Not only in the sense of understanding why the priority or want is important to the individual, but also in being honest about the assumptions and interpretations they are making about others.

For example, it's easy to jump to the conclusion that if someone keeps overpowering your wants with their own that they "don't care about what you want, are selfish, think their priorities are more important, etc."

This is where the second step of communication comes in. Because, while it's possible they really do think that, it's more often a matter of not knowing or understanding the needs/wants of the other person. And in these situations, the fastest way to get everyone on the same page is using your words to share your thoughts and feelings (rather than making assumptions and then interpreting everything based on that).

The third piece of communication is being ok with differences.
Maybe you share your priorities and the other person still doesn't seem to support them. That's ok. They actually don't need to. Because they are your priorities. The only person needing to put them first is you.

But you have to make that choice.

You have to choose yourself.

There is always a choice to be made.

And with every choice comes a trade-off.

Only you can decide if the tradeoff is worth it.

We can't make everyone happy all of the time. And to try to do so will always be a losing battle - because each individual is responsible for their own happiness.

So take control of your own happiness, starting with supporting your own priorities. The more you practice this, the more clearly you will feel and see a shift in how you experience life. Rather than feeling stress or frustration from postponing or ignoring the things that are important to you, you will likely feel increased energy, patience, and openness towards supporting others.

But you can't drink from an empty cup.

And you can't share from an empty cup.

So fill yours first - prioritize yourself so you can prioritize others.

Then you can have your cake and eat it too.

Day 267: The Social Mind

Today I went to a series of discussions organized by the Chicago Humanities Festival about social media and it's impact on humans and society - The Social Mind. 

As one who doesn't use social media a whole lot, the realities of how things really work are quite disheartening. Despite this fact, it's been super interesting to learn more about this topic.

The first thing I learned was that the fuel of social media is: outrage. Specifically, when it touches on morals. Maybe this should have been apparent to me already, but it wasn't.

The second fascinating thing I learned is that our brains have not evolved to handle the mass interaction that social media creates. As it is now, our brains can only handle interactions with a max of roughly 100-150 people. But social media throws us into pools of thousands (if not hundreds of thousands)!

The third thing I learned is that during the very early years of social media, companies in Silicon Valley knew exactly how it affected and targeted frailties of human behavior and they continued full steam ahead anyway.

Wow. That fact gave me chills - and not in a good way.

The biggest takeaway from the first discussion was that social media should be looked at like a cigarette company. Because that's basically what it is. A money making monster that is bad for human health.

I was curious to see what these panels would reveal and how, if at all, they would impact my current view of social media.

Not surprisingly, it doesn't make me want to use social media anymore than the little I already do.

More surprisingly, it kind of highlighted (in a VERY roundabout way) the need for what I do.

The need to help people strengthen their skills of discernment in order to pursue what will sustainably fuel, energize, and contribute to their well-being.

The need for coaching.

No matter what we are facing - be it natural or man-made - coaching provides the tools needed to navigate any situation in a way that is true and beneficial to each of us (individually).

 

So, come at us social media! We've got a secret weapon.

(And if you're reading this thinking, 'huh?', we need to talk!)

Day 266: Hooded Water Magician

I'm sure you can guess by now, the location where the story I'm about to share took place.

On the count of three...

- One

- Two

- Three

North Pond!

Right on schedule for my routine nature outing.

Today, however, it was something in the water that caught my eye.

A unique duck.

I've seen it for the past few weeks, but never up close. 

I still didn't get close, but I did watch it dive for a while. And during that time I became very, very confused.

This grayish-brown crested duck submerged and returned a time or two. And when it came up the third time, it looked completely different!

It's brown head was now black and white!

What the heck?!

It dove again.

It emerged, back to brown - huh?!

It dove again.

Black and white.

How is this possible?!?!

Dives.

Brown.

What is going on???!!!!?!?!?

It disappears once more - and then,

https://www.metroparks.net/blog/birds-birds-everywhere-in-your-metro-parks/

Two ducks emerge. 

One brown.

One black and white.

They sure did trick me!

But, what a delightful confusion!
I couldn't help but chuckle as a big smile spread across my face - and stayed there for the entirety of my walk.

Thanks, ducks!

Day 265: Accept Compliments

On Day 37, I suggested we give meaningful compliments.

On Day 265, I am suggesting we openly accept compliments. Accept them and carry them with us. 

This is not a 'showoff-y, narcissistic, ego-laden' type of thing.

This is a 'self-love, acknowledging-your-skills,-hard-work,-talent,-traits-or-qualities' type of thing. 

This is a 'seeing-myself-as-I-really-am, is-this-really-true? whoa - I'm-awesome, why-does-my-brain-always-try-to-hide-this-from-me?' type of thing.

Does any of this seem familiar?
Because I experience it a lot - especially the last one.

Having my best qualities, skills, and talents acknowledged or praised by another always feels a bit uncomfortable. Instantly, I feel myself going on the defensive, 'they're just saying that to be nice.' For some reason, my brain won't allow me to believe that what they said is true.

I won't let myself believe it, because I don't think it's true.

Which, too often in my experience, results in me shrugging off whatever I've just been told and missing an opportunity to receive love and kindness from someone else. And likewise, missing an opportunity to deliver love and kindness to myself.

How many people can relate to that?
I certainly can. (Obviously, because I'm the one sharing! 😜)

As the saying goes, "we are our own worst critic."
And as the saying forgot to finish, "but we don't have to be."

We don't have to be our own worst critic.

We don't have to be a critic at all! Worst, least - the comparative doesn't matter!

What matters is kindness to ourselves.

If you're like me, and/or grew up in a westernized culture, being kind to yourself is probably a pretty big struggle. And, if you're even more like me, you don't even realize that you're being unkind in the first place!

Compliments give us a way to practice this missing kindness.

They give us an opportunity to challenge the biased way we view ourselves.
They give us an opportunity to take a look at ourselves with fresh eyes, from a new perspective, from someone else's truth.

When I was going through my coach training in 2020 one of the exercises we went through was on the topic of 'rules that we live by.' We explored how most of us have a lot of rules for ourselves, both recognized and unaware, that impact how we live and experience life. We were then encouraged to write up some new, empowering 'rules' for ourselves.

I recall that one of mine was, "I speak the beauty I see."

To me, that is what a compliment is.

If something moves you enough to comment on it - there is beauty [and truth] there.

Of course, different people have different tastes, and not all people will like all things. But they don't need to.

Ultimately, all that matters is what we think about ourselves. But, until we have the right lens to see ourselves as we really are - AWESOME - we can use the compliments of others to help us along the way.

Day 264: Being Nice

'I was just being nice.'

"Try to be nice."

'I thought you were nice.'

How many times have you thought or heard these statements - directed towards yourself or someone else?

I've heard them a LOT.
For 33 years.

And it's taken me 33 years to understand that 'being nice' is not something I need to do.
It might not even be a thing to strive for at all.

What does it mean to be 'nice,' anyway?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, nice (adjective) means:

1. Polite, kind
2. Pleasing, agreeable
3. Socially acceptable: well-bred, respectable

Do any of these stand out as potentially problematic to you?

It's possible none do.
But for a recovering people-pleaser, #2 is a slippery slope.
At least for me.

You see, it's a question of who the noun is pleasing or agreeable to that matters the most.

As one who has lived a life of 'being nice' and doing things I don't really want to do, but rather felt I should do, this is everything.

If you're anything like me, you associate 'being nice' with being a 'good person.'
So if you aren't 'nice' then you aren't a 'good person,' either.

In this all-or-nothing mindset, neutral doesn't exist.
It's polar opposites - only.
If you're not 'being nice,' then you're 'being mean.'
If you're not a 'good person,' then you're a 'bad person.'

Strangely enough, with this way of thinking, it's impossible to just be 'a person.'
It's impossible to just 'be.'

Here's the reality, if you don't do something that would be pleasing or agreeable for someone else, it doesn't automatically mean they will be displeased or upset as a result.

In most cases, it won't mean anything to the other person at all!
Their life will carry on in the same way it had before you were asked or had the thought to 'be nice.'

'Being nice' is often a scapegoat used to avoid [potential] feelings of discomfort, insecurity or lack.

Notice how I slipped the word, potential, in there?

That's because just the thought of feeling any sort of emotional discomfort is enough to change our actions. The fear of what might happen is stronger than we may realize.

We ok, I (I won't speak for everyone else), get so caught up in not wanting to 'hurt the other person's feelings,' that I hurt myself instead.
The hurt may not be registered as any type of pain, but it will absolutely show up as drain.

Energy drain.

This can manifest in different ways. A dip in mood, feeling more tired or less engaged, lack of patience or heightened frustration are a few examples of how you can tell if your energy is draining.

What I'm coming to learn is, we don't really do anyone any favors by doing what [we think] they want or doing what we think we should do.

That's not to say, be a jerk and only think about yourself.
It's also not to say that we should never do things we don't want to do in an effort to help others.

The key driving force of our actions should come from a genuine place; tapping into our core values.
Funny enough, this is always going to be a bit self-serving - but in the best way possible.
When we live out our values in real life, 9 times out of 10, we get a boost of energy which contributes to others being better off as well.

So next time you find yourself waffling back and forth over if you should 'be nice' or not, consider what your decision would be if you would remain 'nice' regardless of your choice, and go with that.

Day 263: Eclipse Election

I set my alarm for 4:50am this morning.

Not so I could be first in line at the voting polls (I already voted by mail - yay, me!) or because that's the time I normally get up, but so I could try to catch a glimpse of the Lunar Eclipse.

My hope was that, not only would I be able to see it, but I could stay inside and view it from my window. And wouldn't you know it - I could! (Let's hear it for west facing windows!!)

This eclipse was called a blood moon eclipse -  and I get why. It had an eerie, red hue.

Upon gazing at it for a few moments, I couldn't help but wonder if this was some sort of blatant symbolism.

After all, it is election day, today; and in a time in which political opinions and parties are starkly divided. Rather than a bright, clear full moon before me, there was a dark, red full moon.

It seemed a bit ominous.

As real as the symbolism may or may not be, it's important to remember - especially in times of darkness or struggle - that nothing is permanent.

Everything has a cycle. A start and an end, and then another new beginning.
Just like fashion trends, hate it or love it.

And, like I shared a few days ago, we are always changing - even it if seems that it is the world changing, instead.

No matter the situation we find ourselves in, we always have a choice. A choice of how to think and a choice of what we focus on.

Do we want to focus on the things that fuel lack, despair, and hopelessness?
Or do we want to focus on those which fuel hope, energy, and passion?

That's not to say ignore all of the things that bring you down and pretend like they're not happening. But rather, try approaching things from a more empowered place in order to take in a new perspective.

Just as the moon holds beauty in any light, so does life.
But we have to choose to see the beauty.
We have to choose to see - the whole picture. 

It is with openness and curiosity that we can find deeper meaning and appreciation for everything.

It bears repeating, no matter the situation we find ourselves in, we always have a choice.

Are you going to set the alarm in order to wake up and experience things for yourself?

Or are you going to sleep in and accept whatever 2nd/3rd/4th hand news that comes your way?

You get to decide.

Day 262: On Aging

It's interesting to see the difference in opinion on aging when it comes to humans versus essentially everything else. 

Think about a tree. 

Trees have various aging cycles. 

While they may take hundreds of years to reach the end of their life, there are many cycles of change along the way. 

Or perhaps, it's easier to think about the life of a flower. 

Flowers start with sprouts from the ground, quickly growing leaves and stems, and eventually a bud.  The flower blooms and pollination occurs, perhaps even turning into something else.

But eventually, the flower will die.
Slowly losing its petals, one by one. Until all that remains is an empty stock. 

When we see such things we don't shy away from them.
We accept them.
We know that that is the lifespan and cycle of a flower.
We get to enjoy their beauty and fragrance, but it won't last forever. And we're okay with that. 

Maybe this okay-ness comes from knowing that next year there will be more flowers.

But it's not the same with people. 

Our life cycles, though much faster than a giant tree, move much slower than a flower. 

And in the world I grew up in, and live in now, the view on aging is quite unkind. 

Aging is looked at, I think, with fear and dislike. 

With aging comes wilting. 

Our flowers are no longer fully vibrant and appealingly fragrant. 

Looks and color are fading. 

The vibrancy of youth - of blooming - is no longer.

We are taught that life is better when we're constantly blooming. 

But to constantly bloom - to never wilt - is impossible. 

Because the energy required is unsustainable. 

I wonder what it would take for our society to shift to a different way of thinking? 

To a way of thinking in which we can appreciate the beauty in every stage of our life cycles.

Where one phase of life isn't held up as the single thing to aspire to (be forever).

I think part of the dislike of aging comes from a lack of fulfillment experienced in each phase of life.

And with that lack, comes a good amount of fear. 

Because if we're on the downward turn, if we're starting to wilt, there's no telling how much time we have.
And, unless I somehow missed this lesson, we were never explicitly taught how to appreciate the life we have, the people we are, or the people we were. 

All of these things are important for graceful aging. 

All of these things are important for a happy life. 

All of these things are necessary to embrace change and welcome it at every phase.