Day 259: School of Un-Learning

I had a conversation with my co-worker today about the impact social conditioning has on our western civilization. 

. . . You know, light water cooler talk.

From a VERY early age, our sense of self-esteem and self-worth has already started to take a beating.
Especially, if you're raised as a girl (or minority).

"My niece is 7 and she already feels insecure about her body! 

I was talking to my therapist about this," my coworker shared. "She said you have to un-learn the harmful things you were taught. It's all about a mindset change. 
. . . I wish there was a school you could go to 'un-learn' things."

My immediate response: 

"There is! Well, not school, per se. But, coaching does this! It helps you identify the thoughts and beliefs that aren't helpful to you and replace them with thoughts and beliefs that are."

"If these were skills taught in childhood can you imagine how different the world would be?!? If we learned how to think this way as kids in school?? But it's not taught."

"Yeah," my co-worker chimed in, "because you can make money off of people feeling bad."

The truth of her final statement is gross. 

The reality that it's "normal" to dislike features of how you look or to have thoughts highlighting different angles of self-lack on a regular basis - is gross. 

But really 'gross' is just a catch-all phrase for the sadness, heartbreak, anger, and disgust I simultaneously feel when I think about it. 

Sadness for the pain that so many people experience.

Heartbreak for the collective inability of our society to see our own worth and value.

Anger that this is a real-life thing when it doesn't have to exist at all.

Disgust that the whole thing is fueled by money and power.

But also, I feel hope - and passion - in knowing that a self-injurious life and mindset does not have to be the norm; does not have to be the default. 

It is possible - for every human on this planet - to experience a life fueled by personally supportive thoughts and beliefs.

It is possible - for every human on this planet - to have acceptance and love for who they are, just as they are.

It is possible - but it takes hard work. 
Hard work that will never earn a certificate.

Hard work that will at some point seem like it's taking 'too long.'

Hard work that will change your life and how you function in it.

Day 258: Force

Forcing things sucks.

It doesn't feel good and it's draining.

And yet we live in a world where forcing oneself to do things is the norm.

What the heck?!
That's messed up.

Can you imagine if flowers were forced to bloom before they were ready?
They would likely be washed out in color, odorless, and would prevent other plants from becoming pollinated.

Read that last part again: prevent other plants from becoming pollinated.

I don't know if this is actually what would happen if a flower were forced to bloom, but it's a great analogy for my actual point. 

When we force things, we miss out on all of the benefits that can be gained from when they happen in their own time. And we're often less open to collaboration, unplanned learning opportunities, and patience. Thus, effectively closing off to and shutting down others and sending the message that it's not ok to step outside the narrow-viewed line.

When we allow people to live their lives according to their own timelines, there is way more pollen to go around. And it comes in the form of happiness, joy, fulfillment, openness, and generosity.

. . . to name a few.

What areas in your life are you trying to force?
And how's that working for ya?

Might be time to try out a new approach . . .
Don't know how? Let's talk!

This could be you!

Day 257: Ahh, not Ugh

I mentioned previously that I'm navigating burnout. 

The more experience I get with it, the more upsetting it becomes.
The more awareness I gain of it, the more I see it touches - and to what (ever-growing) extent.

I've never had this experience before and it's kind of scary.
I know that there are people that live for years with burnout - or at least until they develop some sort of health issue and have to address it.
I don't want that!
It sounds miserable and I really don't want a miserable-feeling life!

I had a coaching session with Audrey on Tuesday and I realized that I still hadn't looked into a recommendation she had given me two weeks ago (that I was very interested in).

. . .Which is kind of like that doctor's appointment I still haven't booked.

Or that plant I still need to repot.
[Ok, let's be real, this task was going to be pushed off for as long as possible, burnout or not!]

I told her, for my session, I wanted to explore and come up with some mental checks I could go through when deciding on what and with whom I spend my time and very limited energy. 

This would help me to  more consciously choose the most healthful and restorative things to build up my energy (aka - motivation, interests, overall activity) rather than deplete it.

The saying, 'If it's not a hell yes, it's a no,' came to mind.

While I don't fully agree with this sentiment, it does certainly help with short-term decision making.

If only it resonated with me . . . 

So we came up with our own scaling tool for me.

If it's not an 'Ahh', it's an 'Ugh'.

I had told Audrey about several occurrences that left me feeling 'ugh' last week and not looking forward to activities associated with them. From this, the scale was born!

We built a check list - the things I would check-in with, both physically and mentally, when discerning between an 'Ugh' (pass) and an 'Ahh' (let's do it!).

My list consisted of:

- Check-in with the feeling in my gut

- Check in with chest sensations

- Ask myself, 'Is this what I want to do?'

- Ask myself, 'is this choice about others or me?'

[Jury's still out on if this is the best criteria combination, but I'm testing it out!]

The main thing is tuning into and growing your awareness on the things that make you feel good.
And then letting this be your guide.

The body is self-healing, but it needs the right (energetic) nutrients to get it started.

Day 256: Model Communication

In keeping with the barely-there theme of pets, let's explore another facet of relationships - Communication.

Some might argue that relationships with pets and relationships with humans aren't the same because humans can communicate with each other. 

They speak the same language.

Do they, though??

More often than not - not really.

Sure, the people we have relationships with will, by and large, speak the same language in terms of words and sentence structure. But in the sense of definition and meaning, many humans speak completely different languages and don't even know it.

Why?

Because we all think differently. And I mean everyone - even twins (of which I am living proof)! 

As life-long residents of our own minds and bodies, we become so accustomed to our way of thinking, doing, behaving that when we encounter anything 'other' it is immediately flagged. And if you are anything like me, it is often flagged with outrage, disbelief, and/or Judgement.

'Why would So-and-so think that was ok?! That behavior is completely unacceptable!'

Perhaps the above thought passes through one's mind during an interaction with another person. 
Conflict ensues.

Will a remedy be found to smooth things over??

That depends . . . 
On what?

On one's level of self-awareness.

Anytime we have a reaction to something, it indicates that things are either in or out of alignment with our values and beliefs.

For instance:

Do you get irritated when others leave a(n originally) closed door open behind them or don't pick up after themselves, ever? 

This could be an indication that you hold the belief:
'things should be left the same or better than you found them' and to not do so is 'inconsiderate and rude' [to give a completely made-up example that has no meaning in my life whatsoever . . .]

Self-awareness allows us to identify such beliefs and discern the judgements we apply when unfollowed by others. This is the first step.

The second step of self-awareness is to assess our newly identified beliefs.
Sure, they were formed for a reason and at some point in time they were beneficial for us - but are they still helpful in the present?

In many cases - at least in my own experience - newly identified beliefs don't really help me much. The majority were created at a much younger age and served an important purpose. Yet, with the passing of time comes new needs and new beliefs to reflect the present day person. Thus, awareness of our beliefs - current and old - is the key to better communication.

When we know what thoughts we are actually working with (and under the direction of) we can then communicate more effectively with others - and, in time, become an example of model communication.

Day 255: Model Pet Relationship

My friend is letting me test out her cat take a test drive as a cat owner by allowing one of her cats to stay with me for a few days. 

Fascinatingly, my 4-legged friend has sparked some new connections that I didn't have before about relationships.

For instance - all relationships, ideally, should be like that of a pet owner and pet. Not in the sense of possessiveness or ownership, but in the sense of non-judgment and unconditional love.

Think about it, if your pet does something wrong you wouldn't hold a two-week grudge about it. You probably wouldn't even hold a silent treatment grudge about it - at least for longer than a few minutes, anyway.

And yet, in relationships with other humans, we often hold onto disappointments and hurts, using them as a way of protecting ourselves from the possibility of future disappointments and hurts.

But with pets, we don't expect them to disappoint or hurt us.
We expect them to be kind and loving towards us.
And when they do disappoint, perhaps by doing something they're not supposed to, we don't hold onto the fear that they will do it again in the future. 

We know that pets are living creatures and that accidents happen. 

We also know that from accidents learning can always happen - along with training for better behavior down the road.

But somehow, this mindset doesn't often apply to human to human relationships. 

And it doesn't make any sense!

Especially when looked at from this angle.

Some might argue that animals don't have free will as humans do, nor do they [generally] have bad intentions towards their humans. Therefore, comparing relationships with pets to relationships with other humans is like comparing apples to oranges.
Totally different.

But what if it wasn't?

I mean, if you really think about it, a big reason pets owners enjoy relationships with their pets is because they share limitless love and behave well. 

The owners put in the time and effort to 'train' their pets.

The owners put in the time and effort to 'raise' their pets.

The owners put in the time and effort to 'build a relationship' with their pets.

To Train = To Raise = To Build a Relationship

It doesn't matter what word you use or what type of relationship you apply it to - it's all the same thing.

What would change if we all approached relationships as if we were getting to know a new pet? Expecting the best, learning from the worst, and loving what is from moment to moment.

Day 254: Supporting Evidence

A few days ago at the start of my walk around North Pond something caught my eye in the middle of the pond.

It was swimming straight towards the water's edge, near the cafe.

It was the beaver!!

Oh my gosh the beaver's back! It made it through all of the construction of the pond restoration project!

What a happy discovery. My heart was singing - I was SO EXCITED!!

Since that day I've been scouring the pond with an eagle-eyed intensity during my walks, determined to catch sign of my rodent friend once again.

Today, during my walk, I still did not see the beaver.
Nor did I get closer to figuring out where it's [new?] den is.

But I did catch sight of some supporting evidence that the beaver is indeed, back to stay at North Pond.

Behold!

Exhibit(s) A

Exhibit B

What a great example of you see what you seek.

Yes, I wanted to actually SEE the beaver.
And while that hasn't happened YET, I still saw what I was seeking - proof that it was still around.
Proof on both sides of the pond, to be exact.

There's another saying that comes to mind for this,
What you focus on expands.

I feel like both of these sayings are helpful to keep in mind. Especially in today's world.

We are constantly inundated by information of all kinds - sometimes by choice, but often not.

We can focus on the things we don't want and thus, find proof to support whatever fear, stress, etc it brings up in us.

Or

We can focus on the things we DO want and enjoy. And through our focus on such things, we amplify the benefit and the good feelings they bring. 

Supporting evidence is all around us, we just need to decide what we are hoping to see.

Day 253: Nature Lover

Nature is genuine and authentic.
No wonder I love it so much. 

In nature, neither animals nor plants are putting on airs or acting a certain way because they think that's what they're supposed to do.
With the exception, perhaps, of the squirrels wanting people to feed them.

No, they are all just living. Full stop.
Living in the way that is natural and best for them.

Take a look at the changing leaves right now.
They are all changing at a different pace and into different colors. Various fade combinations, some to stay before they fall and others to transition through a metamorphosis of different colors before the end.

You don't see one tree thinking to itself:
'Well, all of the other trees are changing their leaf color, I'd better hurry up and do it, too!'

Instead, you see a wide progression of change with each individual tree moving on it's own timeline.

Ah, what ease. What freedom. What peace.

May we all be able to reconnect with our own authentic sense of internal nature.
May we all come to a place of acceptance and desire to live fully within our own timelines.