Day 96: Electric Chair

 

 

Day 95: Jerry's Question - Inner Guide

As pretend Jerry Seinfeld wanted to know -

'so what's the deal with the Inner Guide?'

The Inner Guide can be considered the master of your domain - the captain, if you will.

"If it's the captain then why do we doubt ourselves or think we're not good enough?"

Excellent question, imaginary person! (Someone's been reading my previous posts!) For the answer, I would like to direct your attention to life. 

Life happens. That's why.

Think about when you were a young kid. You didn't care what anyone thought and did what you wanted, what felt good. You'd play butt naked on the slip n' slide at your neighbor's birthday parties regardless of who was around! 

No, just me? Well, you get my drift! 

Your Inner Guide was alive and well, encouraging you to explore, learn, enjoy, and just be You!

Then you got older and other people's ideas, beliefs, pressures, insecurities started to mix in with all of the other information you're absorbing from the world -

Don't act like that

Look like this

Strive for this career

and the list continues on and on and the snowball continues to grow bigger and bigger. 

Before you know it, you're just rolling around wherever the societal wind blows you. 

As this happens, as you become inundated by other people's crap, your Inner Guide becomes trapped and starts to atrophy. Meanwhile, your saboteur(s) grow stronger and stronger - they eat crap for breakfast!

So, life is happening. You're rolling, trying out different directions. And then at some point, something else starts to happen. 

A rattling starts - and it's coming from inside of you.

That's your Inner Guide. Poor thing has shrunk so much, it no longer takes up the full cavity it was trapped in. Now it's just rattling around in all of the empty space. 

Every time societal winds blow you farther away, the rattling gets louder. 

Some people don't hear it. But, eventually, most people feel it. 

A sensation they just can't put their finger on. It's like, like an emptiness - as if something was missing. But that's silly, you're doing everything you should be doing. How could anything be missing?

It's your Inner Guide. And it wants to reclaim control of the vessel so you can live an amazing life and see the insanely incredible and valuable human you are!

So that's the deal with the Inner Guide - really Living.

And when we take the time to connect with and nurse our Inner Guide back to full health, we become unstoppable!

Day 94: Mountain Man

In my latest session with my coach I was introduced to someone new.

She was to lead me through a guided meditation in which I would meet my 'Inner Guide' - the part of me that is confident, knows what to do, and makes things happen. 

Basically the best parts of me all rolled up into a neat personification.

I was excited to try this out!

I eagerly closed my eyes and took some centering breaths, then hoped the exercise would work and I'd see something in my mind's eye.

First, I was instructed to picture a safe space - noting my surroundings, any sounds, the temperature, everything about it.

A circular clearing, enclosed completely by tall thick bamboo, and a curved bench came into view. There was dappled sunlight and a nice warm breeze.

Am I making this up? How do I know what this looks like? Was I just thinking of peaceful things and forced this image to mind? - STOP! Just go with it and trust that whatever comes up is supposed to.

Next, I am informed that someone is approaching my safe space, and I'm excited to meet them.

The next thing I know, a large figure is coming into view as it travels down the bamboo lined pathway and into the clearing. I see my Inner Guide.

WHOA! What the heck?! Am I making this up!?!?! I would NEVER ever have pictured this as my Inner Guide! 

Before me stands a very tall, very large, very muscular, man with a beard. Clothed in an olive green tank, bandana, and hiker's backpack. Mountain Man.

Wow.

His energy is visceral - exciting, energizing, and magnetic. He has great posture and owns his space.

I'm then instructed to ask him some questions -

I learn that he gets excited by challenges. And if I want to call upon him all I have to do is take a deep breath and feel the energy in my body humming. He told me to remember, "If I'm alive, I can do this."

Finally, I'm told that he has a gift for me.
Oh boy, how am I going to see this one?!

He places something in my hand.
What the heck is that?!
I cannot for the life of me make out what it is. After a little while I can tell it appears to be made out of bamboo - then a sense of knowing tells me it's a whistle. A bamboo whistle - that apparently looks like a pipe, sort of.
Ok, I can roll with this.
But there's more - the whistle comes with a message: "Whenever you call, people are there to help you."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dang. What a cool exercise!!! 

And that happened high on life - 100% stone cold sober.

Because coaching is the freaking bomb!!!!!!!!!

[Cue Jerry Seinfeld]
"So what's the deal with the Inner Guide?"

Well, Jerry, for the sake of length - I'll fill you in on a different day.

Day 93: Hazey

 This is Hazey.

She's the voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough and makes me doubt myself and my abilities. She brings a fog around my head and torso that I can’t really see through and is very busy with a lot of chaotic energy zipping around. She can take my uniqueness and turn it into average. She keeps me from relaxing, valuing self care, and being really present in the moment. She blocks my intuition and tries to silence my body cues. She prevents me from fully trusting myself. And she keeps me from dreaming big and realizing the deep desires inside of me.

She's trying to protect me. Because she loves me.

She doesn't want to see me get hurt or disappointed or fail. 

She wants to see me succeed! And what better place for that than in the routine and familiar she's used to?

We all have a Hazey - also known as a saboteur/gremlin/judge/etc. It will look, feel, and sound different for all of us, but the function will be the same:

A personification of all of the limiting beliefs, interpretations, assumptions, and judgements we have that keep us from living our life to the fullest.

I met Hazey after taking some time to identify the times and situations where I am the hardest on myself, when any good or celebration is quickly replaced with lacking or judgement. The times when my Saboteur was fully active.

I took note of 

• the thoughts that came up in these situation and the beliefs connected to them. 
• how I felt in these situations vs. times where I felt good/happy/joyful.
• when and how my saboteur went away
• what my saboteur stopped me from doing

And, boy oh boy, was I surprised at what taking the time to do this did! 

After going over it with my coach, I learned more about how to use Hazey as a tool. She shared that when we get curious about our saboteurs and stand still with the fear [they are trying to protect us from], we can explore the reason behind it. 

The opposite of fear is want. So if your saboteur is hiding you away in some capacity, it's likely a real want in disguise. I never would have thought that moments of doubt and self-judgement were really Hazey's back-handed way of expressing a want for me.

From this reflection and awareness practice, I've learned a new way to communicate with my saboteur, Hazey.

I've found a new way to communicate and understand myself.

 

Interested in learning more on how you can do this, too? Let's talk!

Day 92: In the Kitchen

"You know what they say, abs are made in the kitchen"

'I don't think I have one of those kitchens...'

Day 91: Modern Day Connections

I recently set up an online dating profile.

But . . . I'm not completely bought-in to giving it my all.

 

I just REALLY love spending my free time on me. It's the BEST!!

If I were to start dating, would that mean I'd have to SHARE my 'Me Time' with someone else?!

I don't know if I'm ready for that.

After 18 years of sharing literally everything since exiting the womb - and handfuls of years perpetuating invisible beliefs and unhelpful relationship practices - it might take me a while to get caught up on my individual 'Me Time' contentment.

Plus, I have a number of limiting beliefs about dating that still need to be explored. . . (starting with the example above).

Speaking of exploration, have you ever really dug into the way you think about dating or relationships?

 

Or how things "are supposed to be"?

 

It's terrifying!!

 

Not in a spooky way, but in a -   
"oh my gosh, I cannot believe this is a belief I held!" or

 "oh my gosh, I cannot believe this belief skewed how I interpreted 'X'  & 'Y' and influenced how I reacted about 'Z'!"
- kind of way. In my experience, these gems can be quite horrifying to admit.

While scary to see in the light, these explorations are SO important.

• They help you better understand what you want and don't want.
• They help you get clear on your priorities and what you are willing to tolerate or not.
• They help you learn more about yourself.

This last point is key.

 

To everything.

Just think about it, the more you understand yourself and how you operate - not just knowing the likes/dislikes but knowing the reasons why behind them - the easier life becomes. 

 

Not only in making daily and life decisions, but in who you choose to give your time and energy to.

As I slowly feel this dating thing out, and continue to dismantle the secret hidden beliefs that hold my freedom and happiness captive, I'll amuse myself with some very honest dating app prompt answers (that I wish I were brave enough to use in real life).

Day 89 & 90: missed it & just made it

Well, I missed another day. Should I chalk it up to Covid? 

No, that was in January. 

Let's just say it was the rats . . .

They took hold of Day 89 and flushed it down the dry toilet. 

They tried to steal Day 90, as well, but I managed to wrangle it away . . .