Day 282: Overshare

. . . maybe keep it to yourself next time . . .

 

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Day 281: Mindset: Dating vs Promotion

I've been writing about dating a lot, it feels like, over the past few months.
But that's because I've been learning so much from it!!

Like, in other areas of life . . . outside of dating.

The most prominent learning to date (no pun intended) - is in creating my own coaching business.

I had a session with my coach, Audrey, in which we used the learning I've gained from shifting my beliefs and approach to dating and applied it to my business. More specifically, promoting my coaching services and attracting my ideal client.

I have some pretty deep limiting beliefs that are getting in the way of me feeling comfortable and at ease when it comes to self-promotion. But crazily enough, the steps to work through them seem to be same as I have learned to take in dating.

It starts with the mindset.

Since mindset plays a huge role in just getting out of the gate, it can be helpful to identify one in which you already feel confident and comfortable. 

Once you have that mindset in mind, describe it. 

I explained to Audrey, "with the mindset I have about dating - it's not a need, it's a bonus. I have a clearer idea of how I feel and want to show up in life. And this helps me to navigate new connections - measuring if they amplify or detract from how I want to feel."

So, identifying how you want to feel and having a set of criteria you can use to measure that feeling, in order to direct your next steps.

After that we briefly explored the question, What am I seeking to gain?
Or as Audrey rephrased it, What would light the fire in you?
Or as I'm thinking about it now, What makes me come alive?

For me, it's passion.
Doing anything I'm passionate about lights my fire and makes me come alive. And the thing I'm most passionate about is coaching. But more specifically, it's:
- personal development
- exploration of self
- making the world better for oneself and others

To be completely honest, I don't light up at the name of 'coaching,' but it encapsulates the pieces that do set me ablaze, so it will do for now.

Next, I was asked who came to mind when I thought about my ideal client.
I hesitated to answer, not trusting what just popped into my head.
It was my younger self, past Sarah.  

This isn't an uncommon thing. Humans, by and large, want to do something connected to their own lived experience.

Despite this, my hesitation continued. 'Is it ok for my ideal client to be myself?'
Hazey had made her entrance.

But not soon enough, as we were already to the next step of breaking down the imagined person into key characteristics.

Characteristics of past Sarah:
- people pleaser
- finding it hard to say 'no'
- not knowing what she wants
- not feeling fulfilled
- thinks others need to be put before herself
- doesn't know how to say 'yes' to herself

We were reaching the end of our session by this point and I now had,
1) a more helpful mindset
2) criteria for how I want to feel: passionate (but also inspired and energized)
3) criteria on what I'm looking for (client-wise): [above]

I was then tasked with the assignment of describing past Sarah and giving her story - which I am procrastinating on by writing this blog post.
. . . But, at least it got me thinking about it!!

It's only a [short] matter of time before -
"Hey, World! This is me and this is what I'm looking for!"

Day 280: Take Get Wish Want

Now that Thanksgiving is over and we've turned the page on gratitude, it's a great time to put a spotlight on something else.

Expectations.

I was reflecting on some things - as I do, because I love having myself a good think - and the theme of 'expectations' kept popping up.

Expectations touch every facet of life and will have the same formula no matter the topic. For me, the topic of focus during my Turkey Day Morning Think was relationships and how I approach them.
Or more specifically, how I approach dating.

For a long time, I sought out what I thought I wanted.
No, scratch that - I didn't seek anything out. I let things come to me because I didn't know what I wanted (or that I had the autonomy to choose, for that matter).

This resulted in relationships, both good and bad, ending up with the same outcome -

Disappointment.

I didn't know what I wanted so instead I would 'take what I could get.'
But what I could get was never what I wanted.
And despite not knowing exactly what that was, I did have a vague idea of what it wasn't. Armed with this realization, I would continue on wishing for things to be different and the situation to magically become what I actually wanted. 

It never did.

 

Take + Get + Wish + Want = Disappointment

In all situations and experiences there will always be multiple factors at play.
In my previous dating experiences, low self-esteem and social conditioning played a HUGE role in my behavior and situational tolerance. 

 

But so did my expectations.

 

The biggest reason being - my expectations were misdirected.

I put all of my expectations onto others.
Expectations of things we would do, expectations of how we connect, even expectations of how I'd feel about myself.

I took no responsibility for my role in relationships or for my own happiness.

The realization of this was MIND BLOWING (and heart wrenching). 

The shift from placing expectations on others to placing expectations on myself was - not gonna lie - kind of confusing and incredibly uncomfortable.

I wasn't used to it.

It felt weird and awkward and . . . vulnerable.

It meant getting clear on what my values were. And following them.

It meant getting clear on what I wanted and how I wanted to feel.

It meant relearning how to listen to myself - my gut/intuition, my energy levels, my body, even my thoughts (those fleeting initial thoughts that are quickly overcome by overthinking).

With these things in mind - and with practice - I was able to create a new formula that worked better for me. A formula that, while not always getting me what I wanted, absolutely moved me closer towards it.

A formula that only I can solve.

 

Values + Intent + Self-Trust + Openness = Learning

 

This new approach helped me to understand and discern the various experiences I want to have. 

 

No matter the topic, focus, or people involved - be it work or play, independent or in a group - carrying one's own expectations is like a secret weapon. It provides the learning and agency needed to have autonomy over one's happiness.

Day 279: Remember to be Thankful for . . .

Yourself.

As we fully enter the holiday season - and especially on this day dedicated to giving thanks - lets not forget an often overlooked recipient.

Ourselves.

It's important to reflect on all of the things, people, opportunities, and day to day realities we have in our lives and take time to really appreciate them.

And it's also important to turn this spotlight on ourselves. Because if we didn't exist, it would be impossible for us to appreciate anything.

Allow me to get a little more specific.

Let's shine a spotlight on all of the things we like about ourselves.

This may or may not being a challenging task, so I'll throw out another idea.

Let's reflect on all of the experiences we've made it through.

Every life is different, yet every life has challenges. We're not dead which means we've survived a lot of stuff - both big and small.

Appreciate that!

Appreciate and give thanks for what you have overcome, what you have learned, and where you are now.

Don't like where you are now?

Great news - it's not permanent!

Like where you are now?

Great news - it's not permanent!

We are always changing and thus, have the opportunity to continuously enhance our lives.

The choice is ours.

And it starts with the often overlooked act of appreciating ourselves.

Day 278: Allowed to Flow, All Systems Go

I recall, from the not so distant past, learning about the state of 'flow.'
Some might also call this being 'in the zone' or in one's 'element.'

 

The idea of there being a state in which things become essentially effortless (and also productive) always seemed a bit elusive to me. Not in that I could never reach it, but rather it was not something I could plan or initiate - it just happened by chance and I had to take advantage when it did.

 

Always gotta be prepared to catch the flow!

Sheesh! 

Ok, that's not a 100% true sentiment, but it does illustrate a hardwired habit I have (and I'm willing to guess many others share, as well). And that is, trying to anticipate and predict the unknown future in an effort to push various goals and agendas forward.

 

Planning, planning, planning! Editing, judging, restricting, refining - repeat. 

Written out, this sounds intense - and slightly insane. And really not appealing at all . . . And yet it's become a routine and normal 'way of life.'

The thing is, this is not a natural way of thinking/living/approaching life.
It's a learned way.

Which means there are alternative ways of experiencing life to be tried out that might be more appealing and - dare I say it - more enjoyable!

I bring up the topic of restriction a lot - and there's a reason for it. 

And I'm going to bring it up again!
The reason being, restriction is cultivated by judgement. Fueled by assigning labels and value to things that are, in reality, completely neutral.

A great example of this is dieting.

It always starts with a judgement, "I need to lose weight" [often code for: 'I'm not good enough as I am']

Then come the labels - slapping 'Bad' onto where you're at now and 'Good' onto your ideal.

But what if we gave up the judging and restriction?

What if we could train ourselves to flow on the regular??

I'm starting to believe we can. And I think it starts with a seemingly simple concept: allowing.

That means exactly what it sounds like -

Opening your mind like a door so that whatever thoughts, ideas, or feelings are there can walk on through as they please. 

What's that? Turning your mind into an open door is not the visual that pops up for you?
. . . Well, now you have another option to work with! You're welcome 😜.

Allowing does not mean accepting or agreeing.

Allowing does not imply truth or validity.

Allowing provides space, time and movement.

And those are three things we can all use a little more of.
Because if you think about it, the absence of space, time, and movement is a recipe for . . . constipation.

I don't know about you, but I don't particularly like to be blocked up. 

 

So instead, I'm gonna try to remember this little ditty:

When I am allowed to flow, all systems go.

Why not see what happens when we leave our judgements, labels, and restrictions at the door?

Day 277: (-judging) + art + perspective = wow!

I judge things. A lot.

But I don't feel bad about it. I think it's just a part of life.
I read a quote the other day that gets at this idea quite well:

All truly wise thoughts have been thought already, thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, until they take firm root in our personal experience.
 - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

It's easy to judge until we have experiences that allow us to understand things on a personal level.

For it is when we really understand something that we are able to see all of the pieces that make it up, rather than just the outer shell.

I recognized some of my own judgements this weekend in a series of rapid fire, small events.

The first, my desire for a Saturday morning wake and bake.
There's nothing wrong with the act itself, but the judgement I placed on it was where things started to get murky.

Why? 

Because as a coach, I fully believe that allowing ourselves to do the things we want will almost always yield better results than that of restricting or deprioritizing ourselves.

But on this Saturday, my judging brain was quick to act after recognizing my desire to get high and relax first thing in the morning. 

I then experienced an internal tug-of-war between wanting to practice what I preach and wanting to 'be responsible.'
Which was really just code for judging myself and not trusting that
1) I knew what I really needed in that moment and
2) that I would still do all of the things I wanted to throughout the day, just perhaps in a slightly different order than normal.

Once that was settled, I stopped judging and allowed myself to do what I wanted -and something magical happened.

Well, magical to me.

I got on a thought path that unraveled a very detailed, surprisingly well laid-out idea for an experiential event in which my love of art and coaching could be easily intertwined.

"Oh my gosh! This is so cool!!!!"

As I wrote and wrote and wrote, until the ideas stopped flowing from my pen, I started to recognize something. Another of my regular pitfalls was mysteriously missing in the moment:
'Needing to know all of the steps before the first is ever taken.'

This is a topic I coach on and think about a lot.
On a conscious level, I know there is ZERO way a person can know every single step they will take in order to achieve a goal before they even start. We rarely have ALL of the skills needed before undertaking a new venture. That's why we learn as we go - even if we don't realize it.

Yet, despite knowing this, I often hesitate and wave off big ideas I have due to 'not knowing how.'

But the thing is - HOW is actually the last piece if the puzzle. I'd even go so far as to say it's more of a byproduct.

Byproduct of what?

The WHAT and the WHY.

It was through my self-prioritization not long before that I was able to reveal a big HOW.

My Saturday morning WHAT was: art interpretation.
Spurred by catching sight of 'the gallery' and reflecting on the different interpretations I'd pulled from the same image over the course of time.

My Saturday morning WHY was: perspective.
Each interpretation of my art came from a different perspective - caused by changes in time, understanding, and circumstance. Coaching is ALL about perspective and developing the ability to consciously choose one's own perspective.

"...what if there was a way to educate about that through art?"

And then it hit me!
My HOW!!!

Using works of art, replicated in 7 different ways, to reflect common perspectives held in each of the 7 core energy levels!

My brain basically exploded. 

I have struggled for two years now with my own understanding of the core energy levels. And to explain them to others in a way that feels natural, fun, and engaging to me?!
Oof, my mind goes blank.

But not anymore!

And it's all because I embraced my wants and stopped judging.

Day 276: Happy Birthday, Kelsey!

What would high school have been like without:
- the Red Hot Chili Peppers CD stuck in your car?
- unending practice backing out of my parent's driveway?
- trips to Lincoln City to eat DQ blizzards in the parking lot?

Boring - that's what!

And what would life have been like without you, Kelsey?

Sad. And boring.

I'm so glad you were born and that we've been friends for so long.
Happy birthday!!!

In an attempt to refresh the fond and perhaps embarrassing moments we've shared together, here's a little birthday story for you. Told from the perspective of our main man - 

That's right - Aladdin!

Enjoy
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I've been different things to different people.
Most famously, 'a street rat' by palace guards and 'Prince Ali' by all who took in Genie's fanfare.
But my most important role is the least known - Kelsey's Ride or Die.

You may not know this, but I was a fixture of her many adventures during high school with her friends. There's a chance I may have lived in her car . . . . but it was by choice! Boy, did I love that red Ford Focus . . .

But you know what I love more than that car?
Kelsey Jordan

Why?
Um - have you met her?!
Please.
How could anyone NOT love her?!

Take the shrine she set up for her brother before having her annual New Year's Eve sleep over.
- what's that? It wasn't actually a shrine, but rather closely positioned candles and photos . . . of just her brother?
. . . oh.
Well, anyone could make that mistake. And, hey - I blame her friends. They were the ones that came up with the idea that it was a shrine! Those jerks . . . 

I've never seen anyone handle a nacho fiasco quite like Kelsey.
Always keeping her cool.
Even when Sarah spilled the pan of nachos all over the open door of the hot oven as she attempted to put them in.
"Pick it up!! Hurry!!!" was the collectively yelled advice.
It's as if they thought the cheese was going to melt on the hot oven door or something.
I wouldn't know.
I'm not allowed to go near ovens, being plastic and all.

Kelsey is also an active supporter of senior citizen - ahem - community center events.
She is all about community!
Which is probably why she and her friends would frequent the senior "community" center for Wednesday night bingo.
That is until they started winning . . . and the old people kicked them out, claiming underage gambling.
But for some reason when they lost it was ok to be there . . .

My boo never lets anything keep her down! She just keeps strutting her stuff and walking it off.
Kind of like the time she and her friends were hanging out at the Higdon's house.
This woman has the confidence of a Goddess!
She walked right past all-minus-one of the Higdon men as she returned to the kitchen after using the bathroom, only to be informed that her dress was tucked into her underwear and she'd flashed half of her friend's family.
I'll say it again: CON-FI-DENCE
Seriously! This woman is the epitome of what it means to walk to the beat of your own drum.
And if that means walking around with your dress tucked into your underwear, more power to you!

Funny anecdotes aside, I've seen firsthand the kind and beautiful soul Kelsey is.
Her friends light up when she's around and never leave her presence without at least one good laugh.
She is supportive and loving, with just the right amount of sass and dark humor. As she and SoSa agree, 'if I'm mean to you that means I like you. It's if I'm always nice that you should be concerned!'

Here's to Kelsey! May this next trip around the sun be her best yet as she just gets better, wiser, and happier with time.

I will love you forever and am so proud of you!!!
Oh, and Sarah wanted me to say that she is, too.