Day 242: Desperately Searching

Overheard on my morning walk -

"...they think I'm desperate or whatever. I'm not desperate, there's a difference..."

I can only presume that the man I overheard talking on the phone, was referring to his desire for a romantic relationship.

Why?

Because in our society great desire for such a thing is quickly judged as 'desperation'.

But what if it wasn't?

What if it was seen for what it is? Having a known want and priority in life?

That's not to say approaches and views don't need to be examined and tweaked  in order to turn this desire into a belonging. But it IS to say that there's nothing wrong with it.

 

Our desires reveal our priorities.

 

This man, if he was indeed speaking of being viewed as 'desperate' for a relationship, is simply trying to give his priorities the attention they call for.

 

However, with all priorities (and desires) in life, it is important to break them down.

 

That's the first step before taking action.

 

In breaking them down, comes the understanding of why they are important to you. 

What it is you will gain from them.

And the most beneficial routes of gaining this core why.

After the breakdown, it's not uncommon to discover that the things being sought out from others, can actually be found within oneself. 

 

And in making such a realization, the original priorities can be pursued in a way that adds to one's life rather than 'fills a hole' or 'fixes it'.

When one's approach shifts to that of adding to an already whole picture, the idea of desperation will never cross one's radar.

Day 241: Coaching vs. Therapy vs. Meditation vs. Whatever Else

I practiced 'crowd work' recently in my stand up comedy class.
And I did it talking about life coaching.

Surprisingly (to me), it went way better than I anticipated.
When I asked my classmate audience if they knew what life coaching was, an answer I received was:
"Isn't it like therapy, but you don't need a degree for it?"

Just the answer I was hoping for! (in so many words)
To which I got to use my canned response:

Therapy and Life Coaching are often confused.
While therapy helps you heal from a scary past, Life Coaching helps you create a scary future.

 

Because you'll dream So BIG!

But really, therapy and coaching work very similarly.
Heck, even meditation and yoga could get pulled into the circle (depending on how you approach it).

All of these are helping modalities to assist people in gaining awareness, understanding, and a sense of control (no matter how loose) over their lives.

There is no one method that works 'better' than the others.
There is no one method that is better than the others.
It comes down to the individual seeking support outside of themselves and what they are looking for.

We all have needs - we're human.
Just as we all have hopes and desires.
And likewise, we all encounter things that get in the way of filling these needs and realizing these hopes and desires (some might even call these dreams or goals).

The way to move forward will always start with assessing where you are NOW.

With these helping modalities it is important to note that they are not exclusive. Unlike mainstream relationship norms in the western world, coaching, therapy, meditation, etc. are more like polygamists.
You don't have to commit to one and only one.
You can commit to them all if that's what works for you!

Meaning - sometimes, the best choice is all of the choices.
Often people find that starting in one of these areas opens the doors to others, whether later in time or simultaneously.

Invest in yourself by finding out what's right for you. 

That act alone will help bring you closer to understanding who you really are.
(Because we're basically onions, there will always be another layer to get to...)

Day 240: Feels Good to Feel Good

Man, it feels so good to feel good!

For the past few weeks months, I've been really struggling. 

Identifiable stress from work, fluctuating stress from a class I'm taking, and invisible stress from goals I have for myself have all been slowly - and silently - building and building. 

I found myself numbing. A lot. 

I enjoy edibles a few times a week, but things swiftly progressed to "let me just get a weed pen so I don't run out of gummies so fast."
. . . Because that's not telling for a person who leads a pretty darn health lifestyle.

Nope, it wasn't. I was completely oblivious to what was going on. 

The shift was so gradual - and too close to home to be objective - that I had no idea it was happening.

It took me canceling things I really enjoy - like my own coaching sessions with my coach, Audrey - to finally tap into my current reality.
I was not happy.

And, while there were certainly stressors outside of my own control, much of my suffering was self imposed. Largely, because I was avoiding being honest with myself.

About how I really felt.

About what I was actually thinking - which was fueling the feelings I was numbing.

About what I really wanted.

It quickly became a sticky cycle of avoidance and numbing, over and over.
By the time I was fully checked into my own self-awareness of what was really going on, I had depleted much of the energy I needed to help get myself out of it.

When we are stressed we experience catabolic energy.
The energy that breaks things down - rather than builds them up.
We can function at this energy level and soldier through whatever is in our path for only so long, and then - we burn out. And are left feeling depleted.

That was me.

I'd acknowledged what was going on with me.
I'd acknowledged what might be more helpful for me.
And yet, I was still left with an empty tank sitting in the same ditch as when I was oblivious of everything.

So I did the only thing one can do when finding oneself in that situation.

I chilled the freak out.

I took a break.
I gave myself a break.
I gave myself permission to not 'do' anything.

And then I focused on what felt good in the moment.
Going for a walk.
Writing in my journal (the second the thought fluttered by so I didn't miss it).
Reading.

And I slowly started to feel better.

For me, this was enough to finally sit down and get real with myself.
It was enough to generate the energy needed to be honest about the beliefs I had running through my head about the various factors stressing me out. And with this reality check, came the opportunity to start thinking about slightly different beliefs that felt better to me (emotionally and physically).

Let me tell you, thoughts are not to be overlooked or underplayed. 

They are POWERFUL.

And having thoughts and beliefs that facilitate a good feeling are game changers.

Right now, I'm feeling like myself again with my default of happiness and joy. And it feels AMAZING.

Are my stressors still at play? Some of them.

Will this good feeling last? I don't know, maybe.

What I do know, though, is that in the continuous cycles of life we have to take breaks.
We have to recharge.
And we have to look inward.

Happiness and ease are an inside job.
And that means we need to live life inside-out.

Focus on the inside to change what we experience on the outside.

Day 239: Observation Double Standard

I was taking a walk around the pond this morning and stopped to watch a Cardinal in a tree.

While observing him a question crossed my mind.
"Am I spying on a bird right now?"

I love observing the things around me and looking into windows (and through open doors), in particular. 

Others may find looking into other people's windows creepy, thus labeling me a 'creepy,' 'nosy,' or 'spying' (- I'd proudly take that last one).

But is it really any different than watching animals in nature?

I mean, I am looking into their homes (in some capacity).

I wasn't invited.

I'm not imposing.

I'm simply observing.

So why would observation be interpreted differently when it comes to people than it does for animals?

Just something to think about . . . 

I have a feeling it all comes down to intent.

What's the purpose of the observing?
Is it to cause harm to another?
Is it to seek out some sort of gain?
Is it to learn?
Or simply just to enjoyably pass the time?

It will probably depend on the person.

Day 238: Shadowy Figures

I saw this duo as I was walking home from checking out some Halloween decorations this weekend.

What do you see?

I see a duck and a pug looking up at the sky.
The pug is a little unstable, so it has its front paws on the duck for balance.

This vision was a good reminder that not everything is what it initially appears.
What in your life might benefit from a view from a different angle?

Day 237: They're Already There

Ooh, cryptic title - spooky.

I did a guided YouTube meditation this morning and the following message came to my mind:

"I don't need to come up with details - I just need to pick them out.
 They're already there."

If you're like me, you put a lot of undue pressure on yourself. 

Pressure to figure things out.
Pressure to do things perfectly.
Pressure to know the outcome before things have even started.

A classic psych-out move of mine is to think 'if I don't know all of the details about something, I won't know how to move forward with it.'

On occasion this may be true, but generally it's just a stalling tactic.

And I'm coming to find, it happens most often when I don't trust myself . . . which has been happening a lot lately . . .

The past few days of reflection have allowed me to make the connection (actually, in this very moment of writing) that my missing self-trust is directly tied to the amount of force I've been exerting.

If you read my post from Day 235, you'd remember that there are always periods in life where things slow down - and might stop entirely. As humans living in the modern world, this often feels counter-productive. Especially when trying to start something new.

So what do we do when things aren't moving on their own?
We try to force them.
We try to push through - until we get where we think we 'should be.'

The thing is - there is no place we 'should be,' there's just 'where we are.'

Every one of us has a unique path with unique twists and turns. Some benchmarks may resembles those outlined by society and others definitely will not. Some of the recognizable pit stops will happen at the 'right time' - the time western culture says they should, and some will not.

What I'm getting at is - everything that you experience, and the speed you experience it at, is right for YOU.

We look at those around us and see the movement they are making and yet we are often blind to our own progress.

It is in these moments when trusting ourselves is most important.

It is in these moments that we can use a reminder that we don't have to "come up" with anything - details, solutions, or whatever your word of choice is.

The things we need - the things we seek - are already there.

And if we allow them come to us . . . we get to just pick them out.

Day 236: Ownership

Part of growth is ownership.

Of our past experiences, present situations, thoughts, actions, and mindsets.

I think deep, conscious learning is not possible without taking ownership.
Acknowledging and understanding one's role in all things.

Taking ownership allows us to recognize the control we have [had] in all situations. As well as acknowledge the existence of choice - no matter how slim.

Easier said than done, but that's why it is a practice.
Ownership is a practice in self-awareness.
If we don't have self-awareness, we cannot take ownership of ourselves or actions.

Yet, ownership is only part of the equation when it comes to growing as a person.
With ownership also comes the need for responsibility.

I've seen this presented as the idea of response-ability. One's ability to respond differently going forward.

I resonate more with the idea of responsibility as the ability to take a new perspective to view things.
With a different perspective different responses are possible - and so is a greater sense of openness.

Openness to thoughts, opinions, and actions different than one's own.

With such openness we can hold space for differing views and feelings than our own, recognizing every person will experience the same situation in a different way.

With openness we can validate and learn from the experiences of others, without any pressure or compulsion to defend or convince of our own viewpoints.

With openness everyone has a right to be - just as they are.

And it all starts with the practice of taking ownership where it matters most - with ourselves.