Day 200: Grandma's on Eagle's Wings

Walking home from the dentist today I saw a giant eagle in the sky.

It stayed with me for much longer than any cloud shape I've seen before ever has. 

Or at least it seemed like it. 

You know how it is - when clouds move and the image you initially saw starts to warp into something new.

My mind was instantly filled with the thought of my Grandma.

Why? 

Because at her funeral years ago, we [classically] sang the hymn "On Eagle's Wings" . . . and were joined in the cemetery by two Bald Eagles flying above us. 

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous 

Don't I believe it!

So, I don't think this was a coincidence either . . .

What anonymous un-coincidences have you experienced?

Day 199: Playing with Shadows

Not a lot to say here other than sometimes shadows can show us some very interesting things.

Dual images, albeit a bit unclear.

Light where you wouldn't expect it.

And more depth than you'd imagine - at least is often the case for me.

Whether literal or figurative, shadows are meant to be explored. 

Because when we explore the shadows we gain information and understanding. And eventually, a much more interesting picture than we started with.

Day 198: Puddle Rinse

Two people are sitting on a bench eating ice cream. (Ok, it's me and a friend)

Each scoop is so big it looks as if it's about to topple off the cone at any moment. It's also mid-August in Chicago, so humidity is actively at play.

The ice cream cones are dripping like crazy. By the time they've been consumed there are ice cream tracks all over our hands.

 

Napkins can only do so much.

 

"I'm going to grab some hand sanitizer from my car," my friend says.

I walk with them, hoping the hand sanitizer would be able to make my hands feel just a little bit more clean. 

 

But then I spot a puddle. 

 

And I pause.

'I don't know if hand sanitizer is going to do the trick - I need water!' I think to myself. 

 

Without a second's thought more, I'm rinsing my hands as best I can in the curbside puddle. At this point I'm basically a bird, bathing in whatever vessel of water I could find. 

 

Forget the fact that this Chicago street puddle was absolutely not clean at all and hand sanitizer would, indeed, have been the better option. I was running on the allure of illusion.

 

water = clean

Let me tell you, that's not always true.

Which is why I didn't actually rinse my hands in the puddle - regardless of how tempted I was. In reality, all I did was make a joke about it.

I think its a good reminder that it's never a bad idea to give yourself an extra beat to think things through. Both about what you really want and what you think is available to you.

Day 197: Naptime Reflections

I just woke up from a nap. There were a lot of things happening in it that I didn't really understand. The main point I could get was that I would be traveling soon. To where or for how long, I couldnt tell you.

What I do recall, is having a strong desire to go see my goat, Ruby, before I left. 'I should go spend some time with her,' I'd thought, imagining myself giving her love as she rubbed her face on my leg in her particular - and signature - way. Such a sweet and gentle girl. With a beautiful red-brown color.

Despite being in a dream my conscienceness reminded me, 'but you can't, she's dead.'

The dream continued.

I was in what seemed like a meeting room/living room, with others slowing filing in. Two people, facilitators of the casual meeting, entered with boxes. They started pulling rubber banded stacks of some kind of cards out of the boxes, calling the name of the recipient with each new bunch. But they weren't given out at random. The cards were made specifically for each recipient. And I can only infer, the purpose was to give them out to others.

The alarm I'd set for my short nap then sounded. I never learned what the cards were actually for or where I was to travel with them.

Ain't that a lot like life. 

 

We have loved ones and lost ones (pets and people alike). We have tools and resources presented to us, even if we don't know what they are for or how to use them. And we are always traveling, be it through time, distance, or life.

Nothing in life is certain.

And a lot of things won't make sense until they're over.

But the reflection of our experiences - finding meaning and gratitude in all of them - is what allows us to make sense of things.

It's what allows us to learn.

And it's what keeps us moving toward the future.

Day 196: Bad Intentions

I have the belief that people don't have bad intentions.

Generally speaking, that is (sociopaths, obviously, are excluded from this statement). Naive as it may sound, it's with this belief that I've operated for the majority of my life. 

It's served me well in many situations. And it has equally gotten me into situations that could easily have ended very badly (and thankfully didn't).

This belief came fully into view when reflecting on my relationship with my last boyfriend. It lasted two years and quickly turned into one of the most volatile and unhealthy experiences of my life, thus far.
Just thinking about it, I felt embarrassed and ashamed at the numerous behaviors and situations I tolerated. Why would I allow so many things I knew weren't ok with me to happen, repeatedly?

Well - many reasons, but the biggest one is because I believed he didn't have bad intentions. That he was a good person, despite the bad behavior.

I don't think this is a flawed belief so much as it is an incomplete one. One that fails to account for the messages my intuition and instincts often tried so hard to tell me.

People don't have bad intentions, but they need to be called out when their actions hurt others.

Because how would they know otherwise?

At the time I didn't understand this part. I thought it should be obvious that if a person's actions hurt another, that it wasn't ok to do. But the reality is, not everyone knows this.

They aren't thinking of others when they make their decisions. They are thinking about themselves.

Just like the rest of us.

Every decision we make is made with the intent to help us, to fill a need in some way.

Often these needs are the unseen internal, emotional needs that allow us to feel safe, secure or accepted.

And even more often, we are completely unaware of them and how they are dictating our actions. As was the case in my experience.

Understanding the motives behind the behavior of others is helpful in order to offer compassion and humanity.

Being aware of our own beliefs is important in order to offer compassion and understanding to ourselves.

And, as I've recently come to learn, scrutinizing and adapting our beliefs when our reality takes on an air of unease is vital.

Because when your beliefs fully align with what feels good to you, the situations and people in your life are good to you, too.

Day 195: Why I Donate

 

Interviewer: We are asking real life donors what inspires them to donate.

 

Interviewer: Why don't you just buy snacks?

Day 194: Dating Definitions

What's your definition of dating?

I didn't realize until this week how important this question is. Not only to answer for yourself, but to learn about your potential suitors and matches.

On a recent first date 'intent' was discussed. "What are you looking for?"
'Something long-term' was the answer on both sides.
Then I made a comment about 'hook-up culture' and was immediately met with disagreement at the very idea existing.
My date's strong sentiments were that hook-up culture isn't a thing and if people want to have sex when they first meet that shouldn't matter.

Fair. Your body, your choice [in ALL of the ways]. The aspect missing from his argument, however, was intent. 

This is where one's definition of dating is very important.

Prior to the pandemic, I hadn't given my own definition much conscious thought. Then, I happened upon an article that worded it perfectly:

Dating is just that. You're gathering data to see if the person you're connecting with is someone worth your time, energy and eventual devotion.

For me, the intent of dating is getting to know a person so that I may carry out the above definition.

This is in stark contrast to my definition of 'hook-up culture,' in which the intent is not to get to know another person or make strong connections. But rather, to gain self-worth from an outside source within a short timeline.

There's no shame in either game, but I think it's important to get clear on which you're playing.

Taking time to identify your own definition of dating is important.
In the words of Dr. Sarah Katula:

That’s why we date. It’s an opportunity for us to grow as individuals, and if we’re lucky, find a partner.