Day 93: Hazey

 This is Hazey.

She's the voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough and makes me doubt myself and my abilities. She brings a fog around my head and torso that I can’t really see through and is very busy with a lot of chaotic energy zipping around. She can take my uniqueness and turn it into average. She keeps me from relaxing, valuing self care, and being really present in the moment. She blocks my intuition and tries to silence my body cues. She prevents me from fully trusting myself. And she keeps me from dreaming big and realizing the deep desires inside of me.

She's trying to protect me. Because she loves me.

She doesn't want to see me get hurt or disappointed or fail. 

She wants to see me succeed! And what better place for that than in the routine and familiar she's used to?

We all have a Hazey - also known as a saboteur/gremlin/judge/etc. It will look, feel, and sound different for all of us, but the function will be the same:

A personification of all of the limiting beliefs, interpretations, assumptions, and judgements we have that keep us from living our life to the fullest.

I met Hazey after taking some time to identify the times and situations where I am the hardest on myself, when any good or celebration is quickly replaced with lacking or judgement. The times when my Saboteur was fully active.

I took note of 

• the thoughts that came up in these situation and the beliefs connected to them. 
• how I felt in these situations vs. times where I felt good/happy/joyful.
• when and how my saboteur went away
• what my saboteur stopped me from doing

And, boy oh boy, was I surprised at what taking the time to do this did! 

After going over it with my coach, I learned more about how to use Hazey as a tool. She shared that when we get curious about our saboteurs and stand still with the fear [they are trying to protect us from], we can explore the reason behind it. 

The opposite of fear is want. So if your saboteur is hiding you away in some capacity, it's likely a real want in disguise. I never would have thought that moments of doubt and self-judgement were really Hazey's back-handed way of expressing a want for me.

From this reflection and awareness practice, I've learned a new way to communicate with my saboteur, Hazey.

I've found a new way to communicate and understand myself.

 

Interested in learning more on how you can do this, too? Let's talk!

Day 92: In the Kitchen

"You know what they say, abs are made in the kitchen"

'I don't think I have one of those kitchens...'

Day 91: Modern Day Connections

I recently set up an online dating profile.

But . . . I'm not completely bought-in to giving it my all.

 

I just REALLY love spending my free time on me. It's the BEST!!

If I were to start dating, would that mean I'd have to SHARE my 'Me Time' with someone else?!

I don't know if I'm ready for that.

After 18 years of sharing literally everything since exiting the womb - and handfuls of years perpetuating invisible beliefs and unhelpful relationship practices - it might take me a while to get caught up on my individual 'Me Time' contentment.

Plus, I have a number of limiting beliefs about dating that still need to be explored. . . (starting with the example above).

Speaking of exploration, have you ever really dug into the way you think about dating or relationships?

 

Or how things "are supposed to be"?

 

It's terrifying!!

 

Not in a spooky way, but in a -   
"oh my gosh, I cannot believe this is a belief I held!" or

 "oh my gosh, I cannot believe this belief skewed how I interpreted 'X'  & 'Y' and influenced how I reacted about 'Z'!"
- kind of way. In my experience, these gems can be quite horrifying to admit.

While scary to see in the light, these explorations are SO important.

• They help you better understand what you want and don't want.
• They help you get clear on your priorities and what you are willing to tolerate or not.
• They help you learn more about yourself.

This last point is key.

 

To everything.

Just think about it, the more you understand yourself and how you operate - not just knowing the likes/dislikes but knowing the reasons why behind them - the easier life becomes. 

 

Not only in making daily and life decisions, but in who you choose to give your time and energy to.

As I slowly feel this dating thing out, and continue to dismantle the secret hidden beliefs that hold my freedom and happiness captive, I'll amuse myself with some very honest dating app prompt answers (that I wish I were brave enough to use in real life).

Day 89 & 90: missed it & just made it

Well, I missed another day. Should I chalk it up to Covid? 

No, that was in January. 

Let's just say it was the rats . . .

They took hold of Day 89 and flushed it down the dry toilet. 

They tried to steal Day 90, as well, but I managed to wrangle it away . . .

Day 88: Just so you know

. . . the mail goes here.

Day 87: The Rest of the Story

I remember as a kid listening to the local radio and every week hearing Paul Harvey's "The Rest of the Story." If you're not familiar, it was a great program that highlighted the backstory of a current day staple of some kind - whether product or service. 

I loved it. 

So much so, that I can't actually recall what a single episode was about - BUT I do know I thoroughly enjoyed every episode and consistently "whoa"ed and "wow"ed out loud.

So, in honor of Paul here's my take (see if you can figure out which previous post you're getting background on) -

Cashew-Free Vegan Cheese Sauce featuring: Eggplant!!!

I recently came across a recipe for this and, as one who "likes to hide vegetables in things" as declared by an old roommate, I was intrigued. 

It was pictured on nachos and my friend, Vegan Sam, was coming over soon. It would be the perfect time to try it out! 

Twould be the perfect NACHO NIGHT!

**********************

Well, the cheese sauce didn't really work out . . . so we got some vegan cheese from the store. 

As we were preparing our feast Sam let me in on a little tidbit. 

Sam: "Vegan cheese doesn't melt the same as regular cheese."

Me: "Oh. ..Will it melt at all??!"

 

Sam: "Yeah, a little bit."

 

We put the nachos in the oven and knew it was time to take them out when the chips started burning!

The cheese didn't really melt.

After a few minutes of eating I exclaimed, "I found a melty part!"

 

This happened a total of once the entire night. 

 

**********************

Success depends on how you define it. 

Take vegan nacho night - to some it would be considered a total fail, but to us it was a win. 

We had ONE  melty part!! And we weren't expecting any! AND our chips eventually got soggy - just like dairy laden nachos!! And, most importantly, they tasted delicious! 

Would vegan cheese catch on as a suitable medium for the classic nacho base? For those looking to define their expectations by time with others, experiences, and surprise - I'd like to think, yes.

I'm Sarah Pietruszka, and now you know, The Rest of the Story.

Day 86: To care or not to care?

You shouldn't care what others think.

How many times have we heard or uttered some iteration of this concept?

How many times, if you're like me, have you found yourself thinking, "I know I'm not supposed to care what other people think, but . . ." as if caring what other people think is bad or wrong.

I get that if 'what other people think' is fuel for comparisons, self-doubt, feelings of lack or worthlessness, it might not be in one's best interest to listen too closely. But what about the other side of the coin?

What about the times when 'what people think' is largely positive? Or complimentary? Or validating?

Are we still open to hearing it?

What if caring what other people think could give a lens through which to view oneself in a positive regard from an objective perspective? Not only in the moment but going forward.

I think about many times in my life where I've received a compliment and immediately shot it down or minimized it:
"Oh it's not a big deal, anyone could do it."

Or questioned the sincerity or truth of praise received from others:
'They just said that to be nice - they probably don't really mean it.'

But here's the truth, people don't just make up good qualities in others so they can compliment them. They speak to what they see and experience.

Often it is our own fears, insecurities and, surprisingly, even our deepest desires, that block our ability to see our own greatness - our skills, strengths, gifts and talents. 

So next time you receive praise from someone, go a step beyond just accepting the compliment - and believe it.