Day 6: The Laugh

If asked, I could recall a handful of times throughout my life where I've thought, "I love this person's laugh!" I could not bring to memory a time when I had consciously thought the opposite.

Until last night.

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I live in a pretty noisy apartment building. I didn't realize how loud it really was until I stayed somewhere that was quiet. The noise has to be the result of  thin and poorly insulated walls, floors, and ceilings. (The only fathomable alternative being that ALL of my neighbors intentionally yell constantly and stomp whenever they walk.)

Regardless of the reason for the noise, I hear a lot of it. For a long time I didn't really mind it too much and could easily tune it out. That was until I heard . . . IT. 

A noise I can't even begin to describe, but I'll try. It was loud, off-putting, and similar to that of someone trying to hock up a dry loogie, repeatedly.

It was . . . a laugh! 

And it created the strangest response I've ever experienced when hearing one.
I've had my fair share of laugh-hearing that's resulted in a visceral reaction of some kind (shoulders tense, stomach tightens, eyes bulge, lips curl in disgust). Yet in those moments, the physical movements clouded over any thought.

Last night, however, there was only the thought. "I hate your laugh." 

Twas strange! I would have expected some physical sensation to have partnered up, but that wasn't the case. Thoughts were going solo, tonight.

Or maybe it was something else . . . 

I've been doing a LOT of self-coaching lately. And I must say, I have Really built up my awareness to the thoughts that are actually going through my head. Like a monitoring system to check that each thought is helpful for me - and what I actually believe [vs what I've been told, taught, or shown by others/society].

Thoughts are only the first step in the 3-Part Response System (a name I just made up), a process that takes you from a stimuli of some kind (hearing, seeing, touching, etc) to a resultant action. This typically happens so rapidly that we're not aware of any processing that is happening, let alone a 3-step process made up of a Thought, Emotion, and then Action. 

For example, in the past upon hearing a displeasing laugh the process would have rapidly flown through the following steps:
  Sarah hears someone laugh -
     1) Thought: "I don't like that sound"
     2) Emotion: Disgust
     3) Action: Pinched up face and shoulders

Was it possible, that I'd finally learned how to slow down my response system so I can break the steps apart and then decide the emotion and action that followed?!

Yes.

WHat?!?! That's a thing? Deciding what I think or feel about a situation rather than responding to any and every circumstance by default?! Wow. 

This is was a challenging concept for me to originally wrap my mind around, but once I did things in my life started to change pretty prominently. It's been a slow build in this skill area, but it's SO exciting to be able to see the progress I've made. 

Interested in learning steps to directing your own 3-Part Response System? Then keep reading my stories! Or consider exploring the world of coaching, and I can be your guide!

Day 5: Juan Perez

At the beginning of the week I had a conversation about homelessness with a co-worker. She shared how excited she was to hand out the winter care bags she recently put together and stashed in her car. This conversation reminded me of something I had heard third-hand, not long ago. It went something along the lines of many people who find themselves homeless, don't really know where to go for help and resources. 

This was a pretty profound insight for me to learn. If I were to become homeless at this moment in time, I wouldn't know where to go to get help. 

Yes, I could go to a hospital, police station or fire house and receive assistance getting to a shelter. But in terms of long-term, get-me-functioning-to-a-place-where-I'm-back-on-my-feet assistance, I wouldn't know where to start.

Due to this realization, I decided I should try to educate myself on what resources WERE readily available to those who are currently or may become homeless. I came across an organization I can no longer remember the name of and the social security administration. Now, I DID remember that one! (Probably because in my past line of work, a trip to the SSI office was looked upon with dread.)

Tonight, I had the opportunity to find out first-hand how aware some homeless people are about the resources available to them. 

Enter, Juan Perez.

Juan is 62 and has lived on the northside of Chicago all of his life; predominantly in the Lakeview, Roscoe Village, and Lincoln Park neighborhoods. He's a friendly, well-spoken man with a salt & pepper beard and a whole lot of stories. 

I heard about his long history of work in the grocery business, his financial dedication to his 5 children (now, all grown), and the difficulties he has faced with age discrimination when trying to get a job and being over qualified. He's been homeless for the past decade. Take that in - 10 years. And I would have NEVER guessed to look at him.

He is a man who has lived and learned and made mistakes and then course corrected, all the while keeping a positive attitude and his faith in God. 

"When I was 14, I took a kung-fu class. I couldn't do it. After class the teacher came up to me and asked me what my sign was. I'm a Gemini - and I have a twin sister. The teacher told me that's why, because my sign means I'm 'a messenger of God.' I don't know why, but that always stuck with me. And when I talk to people - a lot of times I'll, you know, give 'em a pep talk, and they always say they feel better afterwards."

Job insecurity is what lead to his current living situation. "I had a good job working in a grocery store making $25/hr and then - [whistles] - I was cut. I didn't have a job anymore." There are likely many more details that go into this story, but the overview clearly illustrates this possible circumstance for even the hardest working person. 

However, homelessness it's not solely dependent on the individual. A solid support system has a lot to do with this as well. If it was simply about 'doing the work,' Juan easily could have pulled through. But when you're trying to get the work to do, you need someone else to lean on.  

"I have 5 siblings. They all know about my situation, my parents know. . . . I want to see them, but they're getting old, you know [Covid concern]. And I know my Mom would say 'you need to get yourself together!' Be it pride, family dynamics, or something else, Juan's family wasn't painted to be much in the picture. He was very much walking alone.

Over the years he gained his neighborhood family. "I hang out with a good group of people. We all look out for each other. When you're homeless there's a rule, you don't steal from each other. But not everyone is like that. There are people that will take anything they see.

I have a nickname over here. They call me Chong. You know, like Cheech and Chong? Because I look like Chong. I like it!" he says with a smile, and a hint of pride. "I'm always looking out for people out there. I'm really observant. Like I'll see these yuppies, walking down the sidewalk looking down at their tablets, headphones on. And they have no idea what's going on around them! I tell them, 'go home! Do that once you get there.' There are a lot of predators out there! And it's gotten a lot worse. I've been out here a long time, and it's gotten a lot worse."

I had asked at the start of our conversation if there was anything he needed. He had turned me down. "I'm good, but thank you. And you know, it can be embarrassing. I've got food and later I'm going to go over to 7-11 and pop it in the microwave! And I've got churches I can go to. I know all of the places around here."

Towards the end of the conversation, after he had told me about being able to get a link card mid-2021, I pressed about his knowledge of additional resources. The answer surprised me. 

"I know there are some people that don't know about them. Women definitely need these services. Women shouldn't be on the street. I've been seeing so many more women lately. But men [waves the idea away with is hand] . . . we're men ('we can take it [out here]' was implied). I know I should go, ..but I don't...

But I'm a Gemini, and that's what we do - always changing our minds from one minute to the next."

It was a weird thing to hear, at first. 

Here is someone who is aware of resources available to him, to help him change his current circumstances, and yet he isn't utilizing them. Why?! 

It would be SO EASY to judge this. But, thankfully, personal growth over the past few years had me, instead, flip that very question back on myself. 

Take a second and look at your own life, no matter who you are or what circumstances you find yourself in currently. We all have, or have had, things we want to do/achieve, goals, dreams, basic needs. At some point, we've thought about these things and how it would be so nice to have them. And yet, a large majority of us haven't taken any steps towards moving ourselves closer to reaching them. 

If something is really important to us, we will do whatever it takes to get it.  

BUT, in order for that to happen, we must first take on the obstacles inside ourselves that hold us back.

Day 4: Perspective is Everything

We all know that hindsight is 20/20, but did we know that perspective is infinite?!

Perspective - also known as the way you see the world - is unique to every human on the planet. Yet we can change our perspectives whenever we want. Though some perspective shifts take greater effort and time than others. 

Over time, our perspectives - our points of view, change. Why? Because we change! We get older, we have different experiences, we meet new people, we learn new skills, we visit different places, we try different foods, and on and on the list goes.

There can be times when having a different perspective than someone else can cause tension or miscommunication. Often this occurs when judgement is placed upon the differing views. One is 'right' so the other must be 'wrong'. When in reality both can be right. They are just right for different people. 

Life isn't a 'one size fits all' kind of experience. It's a 'create your own adventure' experience, meaning you get to choose what feels true and right to you and go with that. And others can choose what seems right and true to them and go with that. We don't all have to view things in the same way or believe the exact same things.We get to choose - in some way or form. Always.

To illustrate these ideas, allow me to share some enjoyable-to-me photos! How many different perspectives can you identify?!

this one gets me every time! What's your take - are tic tacs candy?

 

Brilliant, moronic, or something else?

As I've gotten older, I've come to find that perspective switching is not only an art form, but an enjoyable past time. It helps me to better understand and connect with others (and myself). And most importantly - it allows for me to be more fully entertained by all that I see around me.

365 DW:V2 - Day 3: Pillow Talk

In keeping with the theme of approaching life with a variety of perspectives, I give you Pillow Talk.

There once was a girl named Debbie. She had been sleeping on very old, flat pillows for years. Over time, she started to notice that her sleep was getting very poor and would find herself tossing and turning all night. Some mornings she'd even wake with a sore neck! 

Eventually, a thought popped into her head about new pillows. "I wonder if new pillows would help?"

So after much too much deliberation, she purchased herself some new fluffy pillows.

"I can't wait to go to sleep tonight with my new pillows!!" she thought eagerly to herself.

 

 

Unfortunately, her slumber was not as restful as she had hoped it would be. With a resigned heart she had to admit to herself, the pillows were too full.

 

Debbie felt so disappointed - she was really excited at the prospect of nice new pillows that brought deep, restful sleep. And now that dream was ruined! What was she supposed to do now? Go dig the box they came in out of the recycling bin so she can put in a lot of effort she didn't want to spend to send them back??

 

Yep. She quickly confirmed that was the logical next step and scurried down 4 flights of stairs and outside into the cold to fetch her recently discarded box out of the recycling dumpster. 

After coming back inside, Debbie shared her misfortune with her sister, Janice. Janice quickly started sharing information about her own great pillow she has with a zipper, so you can adjust the filling to the exact amount that is right for you. 

'That's great for YOU, but how does this story help ME?!' Debbie thought to herself, deep in the throws of her pity party.

Then, all of a sudden, something clicked. 

 

"Hey! I could add a zipper and adjust the amount of filling in my new pillows! I know how to sew. I have a sewing machine. I have zippers. . . . and then I will always be able to have the perfect pillow, no matter how my needs change!"

 

Wow, now Debbie was singing a very different tune!

That evening after work Debbie began her pillow transformation. Opening up the seams at one end of each pillow, pulling out a guess amount of filling, and then stitching in a zipper to close everything back up. Debbie felt proud of herself. During the actual task there were some set backs and struggles, but looking at the finished zipper, she saw great work. 

 

 

But craftsmanship was not the goal of this endeavor - it was better sleep! Only time would tell if she had been successful in her efforts. Debbie was excited and nervous for the next morning . . .

 

Debbie awoke in almost the same position as she went to sleep the previous night. Her body didn't feel sore. And she slept soundly all night. IT WORKED!!!

 

----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----

 

It's so easy to forget about the resources we have available to us when we are only paying attention to the problem. However, when we focus on what we WANT instead of what we don't want, it instantly becomes easier to figure out attainable steps to make it happen.

365 Days of Wonder: Vol 2 - Day 2

 Stray Bullet [coffee]

. . . a true story . . . 

It's morning. That mean's breakfast and coffee time.

"What are we eating today?" asked Stomach with a gurgle.

"Buttered English muffin!" cheered Brain and Tongue together.

Hands was already hard at work, toasting the muffins and pulling out the salted butter that Tongue loves so much.

- Pop! goes the toaster - The muffins are ready. 

"Hurry up, Hands, while it's hot so the butter gets all melty!" urged Tongue.

"Can't you see, I'm working on it?!" Hands shot back with irritation.

"WEEE can!" Eyes chimes out in unison.

Hands gets back to the task of buttering the muffin, then all of a sudden lets out a cry.

"Ahhhhhhh!"

"What happened?! Is everything ok??" everyone else asked as they gathered quickly around in concern.

"It -The . . .it was the . . . the butter!" Hands squeaks out. "It just shot off the knife like a stray bullet! ...Does anyone see it?"

heeheeheehee - a mysterious giggle seemed to be coming from the coffee cup.

Before it was too late, Eyes spots the butter before completely melting into the cup of coffee (clearly relishing the warmth like personal hot tub).

Everyone was silent, not sure how to proceed after what they just witnessed. And then Brain spoke. 

"Looks like we're having bullet coffee today." And with a universal shrug, that was that.

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 Believe it or not, this REALLY did happen to me the other morning! I was so surprised!!

At first I was upset ('I didn't intend to put butter in my coffee! what a terrible thing to happen, what a mess up!' [dramatized]). But then I shifted my perspective and thought about how this might actually be something that could benefit me or allow opportunities I wouldn't otherwise have had ('well, I hear bullet coffee is supposed to give you an extra boost and somehow is 'good' for you ... so maybe I really needed that this morning.')

This sort of shift in thinking, even when illustrated with a silly example, can be applied by anyone to any situation. It takes practice to be open to embracing things outside of what we have planned, but when we are able to do this we reduce stress, increase feelings of ease and have access to the world in new ways than we otherwise would. Plus, it makes for a WAY better story - adding an unexpected twist, rather than complaining about something going wrong.

Also, let the record show - I drank that stray bullet coffee and had a really great, energized day. I swear - I can't make this stuff up!

365 Days of Wonder: Vol 2 - Take Two

Pencil Snatcher

Several years ago I quit my job in order to save my sanity and to figure out what would really make me happy. Part of this half-brained plan involved regularly taking part in activities I used to enjoy, both near and far in my past. 

Writing was one of these enjoyments. 

Way back when, in elementary school, I used to love writing - stories, poems, you name it. But then somewhere along the way I stopped. I can't remember exactly when it was or why it happened, but something changed in me (or my circumstances) where writing was no longer a go-to past time for enjoyment. I can recall times where I'd have a funny idea pop into my head or think about writing out some thoughts I'd been having lately, but when it came to actually taking action I was met with a MAD case of inertia. I needed a bigger outside force to set my writing in motion.

So, all of that was just a long-winded way of stating that I will begin again what I started several years ago - a daily writing practice. 

365 days. 365 entries. 365 different thoughts and tidbits. And a lot of drawings, too, because I also used to love drawing (7 year old me, "I want to be an artist! And an author. and a scientist and a . . ."). 

I mean, check out these incredible Microsoft Paint skills - there's no denying this talent!

*     *     *     *     *    *    *    *    *

What did you love to do when you were young? 

How's that love lookin' now? 

Are you like me and it's been a while since you've done it? Why not blow off the dust and give it a whirl again? See what happens, see how it feels.

The Truth About Being Self-ish

What does it mean to be selfish? To some this might mean focusing your time and attention on yourself, choosing yourself first over others, or prioritizing the things you like to do even if others don't share the same interest.

It's a word that can at times carry with it guilt, judgement, and an all around bad rap. 

Here's the kicker - none of those things I just listed

- focusing your time and attention on yourself

- choosing yourself first 

- prioritizing the things you like

are selfish acts. 

They are not bad. 

They don't harm or take anything away from anyone else. 

In fact, I will argue, they are the key ingredients to living a happy, enjoyable life.

So why has self-focused behavior gotten such a bad reputation? I think it's time we take a minute to really look at what selfishness is and, dare I say it, redefine its meaning. 

Let's start with the word itself: Self-ish. It's made up of two parts. 

1. Self, meaning ‘you’ -  or the subject. 

2. ish, meaning 'kind of', 'around', 'more or less'. Ish gives a general sense of something without any specifics, certainty, or commitment. 

When you put those two pieces together by these definitions, what do you have? A pretty ambiguous, non-committal, and very unclear version of you. In my mind I see this as a hazy, somewhat blobby, human form. It's like you can almost make out defining features, but they are too blurry to really see.

So what does this mean? It means that the behaviors and actions we generally label as "selfish" are not because the subject in question is focusing on themselves, prioritizing their interests and likes, or choosing themselves first. It's because they aren't doing these things.

Think about it, if you are only yourself-ish, things start to get pretty muddled. When a person is only kind of themself, they aren't that fun to be around. Sure, they may go with the flow, but they are less able to meaningfully connect and engage with others.

If someone is 'more or less' themself they are more likely to experience miscommunications. This is because they aren't as assertive or direct in their preferences, which leaves things open to interpretation by others. Have you ever met someone you discovered was 'flakey'? This is a perfect example of self-ish at play.

So let's stop confusing the act of understanding and fostering the expression of one’s true self with being self-ish. A happier life, and happier world, come from living as our full selves. No ish about it.