Day 306: Failure is not a Reflection

Often in life we take on different endeavors, giving them our 'all,' only to be met with defeat. Only to fail.

Or so it may seem . . .

If things don't work out when you try them, it's isn't a reflection of YOU.
It's an indication that there is missing [needed] information.

When I think of my own experience with confusing this notion, I think about my writing. I had my last coaching session of the year last week and this was a topic we touched on.

I said I wanted to find a way to ensure that I am connecting with the people I desire to reach - and was immediately asked how I could tell if I was or not.

Then, reality struck.

Did I have any metrics in place to know/measure who is actually reading my work? The answer was, 'no.'

Because of this I felt like I was failing, when I really had no proof.

This way of thinking is like saying I failed at making a shirt when I was missing some of the pattern pieces. If I don't have all of the pieces needed, I can't possibly make the intended shirt.

I didn't fail - I needed more materials [information].
The same can be said for life.

We aren't failing when something doesn't turn out how we planned. We often just are missing some piece that we didn't know we needed.

It's up to us, upon discovering this missing information, to decide if we want to seek it out or if we want to change course and pivot in a different direction.

Both are fine options.
Both are valid options.

The only unhelpful option would be to deliberately not learn anything from the situation. To complain and continue on in the exact same manner, expecting different results.

Failure is not a reflection of You. It's a message of what else is needed.

Day 305: Holiday Sweater

Riding on the coat tails of yesterday, I present to you -
the gift that keeps on giving:

My homemade holiday sweater!

It certainly fills me with happiness and joy . . .
and here's hoping for a sprinkle of holiness!

Because nothing says 'relief', 'freedom', or 'holy'
quite like stick figures flashing their festive undies!

Day 304: Gifting Your Gifts

In the holiday season of the western world, gift giving is a staple.

Consumerism is at the forefront and buying things for the people in our lives is top of mind. It's 'what you do' during the holidays.

Sure, there is an aspect of appreciation, generosity, love and compassion that comes out in different ways. But, front and center are always GIFTS.

I was skimming a Susie Moore email that came through my inbox and one of her nuggets managed to catch my fast scanning eye:

"Gifts you stop using (writing, teaching, designing, photography the list goes on…) will make you feel miserable over time. Your skills exist to be used and to bring joy to everyone who encounters them! What can you pick back up - just for you?"

I fully believe this sentiment, which is probably why it jumped out at me.

We all have inherent skills and talents for a reason.
And that Reason can actually be broken down into smaller pieces.
   1) To provide happiness and meaning for oneself
   2) To share and magnify this happiness and meaning with others

By definition (Merriam-Webster's, that is), a Holiday is
- a period of exemption or relief
- a holy day
- a day on which one is exempt from work.

And a Gift is
- the act, right, or power of giving
- a notable capacity, talent, or endowment
- [something] voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation

If we were to combine these meanings, we might get something that reads loosely along the lines of:
"Voluntarily giving a notable talent to others as a means of experiencing relief, freedom [of duty], and holiness." 

I don't know about you, but I've never thought about Holiday Gifts this way before. . .

So, in the spirit of the holidays - and this new interpretation - why not explore what it means to give the gift of 'you'? The things that are unique about you?

The things you enjoy, are drawn to, and captivated by - what would it be like to share them [more] with others?

What would it be like to share them [more] with yourself?

Day 303: You're Interesting

Have you ever met someone new and thought, 'Wow, what an interesting life they've had!' or 'What an interesting person they are!'?

It's so easy to think about others and their different experiences and be in awe.
It's much harder, or so it seems to me, to have the same experience when thinking of oneself.

We all live different lives.
Some have a lot of variety.
Some contain a lot of similarities.
All are rich with experiences.
And to those who have not had the same (or even similar) experiences, the lives of others can sometimes take on an air of elevated appeal [or harsh criticism].

We compare and contrast to our own lived experience.
We attempt to relate.
And when we can't, we can enter into a veiled lens of lack or judgement.

"I wish my life was that impressive."
"I wish I had a lot of different experiences like that."
"I wish I [insert any relevant comparative change here]."
"I'd never want to experience that!"
"Why would anyone ever want a life filled with [insert topic of criticism here]".

But we don't have to look through the Lack Lens of judgment.
In fact, some of us don't (at least not routinely).
Because we always have at LEAST one other option available to us. 

I'd venture to say we always have at least TWO other options available to us at all times.

Neutrality - seeing the differences in life experiences between yourself and others, as simply that.

And Aspiration - seeing the differences in life experiences between yourself and others and recognizing a want or desire for yourself. 

Lack and Aspiration are two sides of the same coin.
Neutrality is what binds them.

We experience lack when we allow unchecked judgement. We see/hear/learn about something that we desire, but are unable to register the aspiration because our judgement is telling us that we can never have it.

We experience aspiration when we see/hear/learn about something that we desire, and are able to register the aspiration because judgement is absent. We are purely tapped into our state of interest and whatever makes us lean in and listen up.

So what do Lack and Aspiration have to do with how interesting we find ourselves?

Everything.

If we have an experience in which we worked towards an aspiration, we are most likely going to view that as pretty cool and interesting.

If we have an experience in which we judge our situation or others for the meaning we aren't finding, then we're more inclined to look down on our experiences.

And then there's the In-Between.

Because nothing in life is 100% binary.
Things are not always black or white, yes or no, right or wrong.

The In-Between is where I have found myself caught for years. Downplaying accomplishments and normalizing successes.

Why?

Because in the In-Between we haven't completed our internal assessment of life experiences. We haven't consciously explored and acknowledged what we have really learned and gained from them.

The In-Between is the staircase between movement and stagnancy.

We can only move up the steps when we are able to acknowledge, embrace, learn from, and genuinely appreciate each experience we have.

By the very virtue of being a living, breathing human you will experience life in a way that is unique to you. This is the sole prerequisite to claiming the title of 'interesting.'

Who knew it was as easy as experiencing life just as we are?! 

The struggle comes in seeing ourselves - and experiences - objectively and without judgement.

Day 302: American Dream

I used to think that the American Dream was more of a pipe dream.

Something that was nice to imagine, but virtually impossible to achieve - at least for most people.

Perhaps part of why I had a hard time buying into the idea was because I'm not particularly patriotic. And my reality certainly isn't dream-like.

But then I realized, I barely even allowed myself to dream.
To dream a dream the size of an American Dream.
Never allowed myself to dream a dream of my wildest dreams.

Because I didn't know what that was.
Because I didn't know who I was.

Thinking about it now, I have a very different perspective.

I still fully believe that the 'American Dream achievement plan' that has been seared into my brain since childhood of being 'self-made' and 'pulling yourself up by the bootstraps [without help from anyone]' is not a viable plan for more than a sliver of the population.

So, yes, if using that approach, the American Dream for many folks is impossible. It is a pipe dream.

However - 

If you change your approach you will always change your outcome.

These days, I believe the American Dream really can be achieved by everyone. But they have to find the route that works best to get there.

And, perhaps even more importantly, they need to be clear on where 'there' is - for them.

Everyone's dream is different.
Everyone's dream is valid.
Everyone's dream is possible.

When we pair knowledge of self and what tugs at our heart with knowledge of the thoughts and approaches that feel and work best, nothing can keep us from what we find truly important.

Day 301: Why Are You Yelling?

 

Remember those slumber parties as a child where you were having so much fun that you didn't even realize you were yelling until your friend's mom came in three plus times to tell you to be quieter?

Imagine if that happened every time you were
around a person you really liked a lot - as an adult.

Day 300: Tamagotchi Bodies

"Wow, it's so crazy that I'm in charge of taking care of this body
- and it has to last me my whole life!
Who let me have that responsibility?!"

I remember exactly when my friend, Elsa, shared these thoughts. 

Well - more or less, when - I know it was some time between 2013 - 2016.
And, ok, those might not have been her exact words, but they capture the same sentiment.

This sentiment was one I had never before encountered. So, naturally, it really stood out to me.

Sure, we have bodies and we are living, breathing, things. But the connection had never really been made that part of this living was taking care of the vessel that carries us around. Taking care of our bodies.

Immediately, Giga Pets and Tamagotchis came into mind (the virtual pet toys that were all the rage during my elementary and middle school years).

It's pretty much the same concept, if you think about it.
During those preteen years, I witnessed many friends relish the ability to raise and care for these fake pets on an itty-bitty screen. (I never had one.)

[Annoying alert sounds] "Oh, it's hungry! Time to feed him!!"

It was a drop-everything-you're-doing-or-else sort of infatuation.
Because if you didn't, it could end up in death - of your Tamagotchi/Giga Pet.

I feel like we could do well to think of ourselves, our bodies, the very things that allow us to sustain life, the same way.

If we don't stop what we are doing to take care of ourselves, we will die.
Albeit, slowly, but still. 

I also think of real, living pets. Say, a dog, for instance.
Most pet owners wouldn't get a dog and then only feed it garbage.
They wouldn't get a dog and then never take it outside to play or go on walks.
Most pet owners wouldn't get a dog and then neglect it when they saw signs of pain, limping, sickness or other things out of the ordinary.

And yet, as humans, we do this to ourselves all of the time.

I think it's easy to forget that we also are animals that need caring for.
The only difference is, we're providing that care for ourselves.

Regardless of where it's coming from, the importance and need remains the same; just as when we were babies and others cared for us. Over time, we were unceremoniously (and often invisibly) passed the torch to carry on this same care for ourselves.
Because we are now able to do so.

But we often don't. 

The baby is crying, the dog is barfing, the tamigotchi or giga pet is hungry.
We take note. We stand at attention. We do what needs to be done.

I'm crying, I feel sick or 'off,' I'm hungry (likely in more than just a physical aspect).
We often feel the need to put off our own care, seeing other things or other people as higher priorities.

Here's the thing - we can't live if we're not alive.
And we can't come alive if we aren't nurtured.

We CAN experience fulfillment and delight, just as our pre-teen-hearted selves did when caring for our electronic pets in their tiny screen homes. 

We CAN experience ourselves as happy and thriving - and doing cute things that melt our own hearts, as if we, too, lived in a Tamagotchi world.

This and more is possible - and it starts and ends with us.

What in your world is needing your own attention?
Perhaps it's time to give yourself the nurturing you need and deserve.