Day 59: And if it's a 'maybe'...

And we're back to explore the second point of consideration when navigating that pesky 'Maybe' in decision making.

To review, the factors I find myself falling into in moments of indecision are as follows:

1 - I don't (believe I) have strong feelings either way about something, or

2 - I'm trying to avoid a certain feeling because I think giving a direct answer will cause another person's [less than positive] feelings

 

Buying into the belief that I cause other people's feelings is a huge trap I regularly fall victim to. And retraining my brain to believe the opposite - that I do not cause other people's feelings - is a real challenge. 

 

But it's true. I don't cause anyone else's feelings - and neither do you. Our feelings are always caused by the thoughts we have - and I KNOW I can't control what other people think. 

 

In many cases our thoughts are influenced by how we interpret different situations, events, and interactions. And we can never know for sure how someone else is going to interpret a situation.

If you're like me, you'll assume they have the exact same interpretation as you. But, as life has taught me, this is not the consistent case.

So what to do about it?

All changes start with awareness. 

Awareness can be considered the 'observation' phase. That means no actual 'action' is taken, but rather we're collecting data.

So in the case of decision making, start with becoming aware of what the feeling you are trying to avoid is. What is the emotion? 

 

What does having this emotion say about you?

Every person has such a subconscious soundtrack playing in their head that it can be nearly impossible to pick up on the thoughts we have about ourselves right before a negative emotion strikes.

This is also known as judgement.

But the more effort we put into taking time to pause and identify the emotion - the aftermath of the judgement that we can much more easily feel/identify - the less hidden the subconscious judgements become. Thus, making them easier to pick up in the moment.

Because once we know what's going on in our heads we then have the control to choose what we want to do about it. Bringing us back full circle to the original goal - making decisions, without any 'maybes'.

Day 58: Happy Birthday, Serena!

Today is my sister, Serena,'s birthday. She is thir-- a year older today!

On her wishlist, I saw included this item: your favorite memory of us together.

This isn't necessarily my favorite memory of us together, but it is a prominent memory and a very important moment in my life. It happened in a sentence and the impact rocked me with just three small words. 

It also, conveniently, continues with the topic of my last post. 

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Flashback to about 5 years ago. We were on the phone with each other and I was telling her about the new job I had recently started. It was in a career field that I had newly learned about and was very interested in. It was supposed to be a great experience and yet . . . I was only two months in and was finding it challenging in ways I'd never before experienced in my young adult life. 

Up until that point I was used to things coming relatively easy to me. I was a high performer and always delivered good work. But for some reason, in this position, nothing seemed to be clicking into place. I was smart, competent, resourceful and hard working - why the heck was I struggling SO MUCH?

The more I told Serena about what I was experiencing the clearer it became to me - I didn't like my job. 

Like, I REALLY didn't like my job. Not in a - this topic is boring or I'm not being challenged - kind of way, but in a - this job is making me feel miserable and doubt my abilities as a human - kind of way. I was very unhappy working there. And I was scared to admit that, especially to myself.

I got through my complaining and paused. In an increasingly elevated tone, I whimpered, "...I don't think I like my job."

My body was tense, my breathing was labored, and I was trying so hard not to cry. I was in such emotional distress. 

And then I heard her response: "Well, Sarah, you can quit. You don't have to work there."

I immediately felt a wave of relief wash over me - and tears stream down my face. It was as if, with those three simple words 'you can quit', the weight of guilt, shame, and judgement I had shackled to myself had been unlocked. I could feel my body get lighter.

My suffering had been acknowledged and validated. And more importantly, I had been shown that my happiness (and feeling of self-worth) is more important than any job, timeline, or other socially decided parameter.

As someone who has a very hard time working in any job that doesn't directly call for the living out of my own personal values, this was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. (And in case you were curious what happened with my job - I quit the following week.)

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So, here's to one of the greatest gals I know! To Weenie Wayne, Marco, and Dippy, too - Happy Birthday!!!

Thanks for always being in my corner and having my back, not only as a sister and friend, but as one of my biggest supporters, cheerleaders, and promoters.

Day 57: On Quitting

"I'm not a quitter."
"If I start something, I have to finish it."

Any of these phrases sound familiar? 

If you grew up in American culture, they likely do. And if your experience was anything like mine, "Quitting" was prominently presented in a negative light.

It's not good to quit.

Quitters have no self-discipline or  follow through.

But what IS quitting, really?

What if I told you that quitting isn't actually a thing at all? It's not bad or good, but completely neutral.

What if 'to quit' just meant 'to shift priorities'?

Take a second to think about this. Go on, really take your time . . . 

Because, to me, that's what quitting is - shifting your priorities to something else.

 

There is no moral issue around changing your priorities.
It does not change who you are or make you a better or worse person. 

 

But it does impact your life and the way you show up in it.

 

So next time you find yourself in a situation where you feel like a lot of problems would be solved by 'quitting' but you don't want to 'give up', 'let someone down', or 'fail', maybe stop and consider . . .
 

Consider what your priorities in life actually are and how your current situation is harming or helping them.

Day 56: Kids love me

"Man, those kids loved me!"  - as stated by my sister when recounting her recent friend visit to New York. "I think it's because I actually engaged with them."

Indeed, I also think that is the reason she was such a hit with her friends' kids; to whom, until this past weekend, she was a stranger.

How'd it work? Well, she took the time to:

1. Ask questions - not just the surface kind, but the deeper questions that keep the conversation and sharing going
2. LISTEN -  this is arguably the most important step.  She listened to what they were actually saying - with the goal of understanding and learning about them, rather than predicting the content outcome, thinking she knows better or the correct answers (or that her time or sharing was more important)
   
3. Buy-in to what was being shared - when kids tell her stuff, they are telling about their current view and experience of their lives so far. She knows they are young, inexperienced, and still learning, so she's willing to roll with what they share and see where it takes them. No judgement, no expectations
   

This kid magnet phenomenon - or recipe, rather - got me thinking . . . 

Why aren't these same principles applied more often to adults?

It's so easy to be stingy with our time, think we know more than others, and make judgements about experiences or views different than our own. 

What if we gave that blueprint a break?

How would our relationships change? 

How would we change?

Day 55: Brownie Surprise

 

 

 The struggle is real when you eat with your eyes . . .

Day 54: If it's not a 'yes' ...

 How many times have we heard the saying:

"If it's not a 'Yes' it's a 'no'"?

Or something along those lines.

I, for one, have heard it MANY times. Over the most recent years, it's been the iteration of 'if it's not Hell Yes, it's a no.' For some reason that version never connected with me. Probably because I can recall very few times when it came to making a decision where I had been met with such strong conviction.

However, the milder version I can work with. Especially when I find myself in the weeds with 'Maybe.'

Oof, Maybe is a slippery sucker. The type of slick I often struggle navigating.

I suppose that's why there's also the saying about 'maybe meaning no.'

My favorite iteration of this can be found in the Jack Johnson song, Flake. "It seems to me that 'maybe' pretty much always means 'no.'"

[Thinks for a bit] . . . Yep, that checks out -'maybe' DOES pretty much always mean 'no.'

I mean, not exclusively, but generally - yeah.

Guess that means I could use this saying as a helpful decision making tool, as well.

Or, dare I say it, I combine the two sayings?!

"If it's not a 'yes' it's a 'no'; and if it's a 'maybe' it's also a 'no' - depending on how much I care about it or if I'm trying to avoid a certain feeling by giving a specific answer."

Wow, really rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?! 

So it could use some work, but it gets at an important point.

We often - or at least I often - avoid making decisions because I either:

1 - don't (believe I) have strong feelings either way about something, or

2 - I'm trying to avoid a certain feeling because I think giving a direct answer will cause another person's [less than positive] feelings

This whole topic came to me as I was washing dishes. And I'm glad it did, because it spurred me to explore the framework through which I make my (non-committal) decisions; as well as where I can direct more attention.

Take point 1, for example. If I don't immediately know how I feel about something in the thought space, I can jump to other areas to gather info:

• How does my body feel when I think about saying yes to the decision? How does my body feel when I think about saying no?
• What's my energy like in this moment of consideration? What might it be (based on what I know about myself) at the time and day of any actions involved?
• What other priorities have I already committed to (including time for personal care [sometimes doing nothing is incredibly important and needed!])?

Ultimately, options that generate any type of physical restriction or heaviness or are likely to drain you energetically might be good choices to pass on.

Listening to your body (for everything) is huge! Especially if you find yourself struggling to make a decision.

This is one area that I am trying to practice more consistently.

Too bad there are two factors when it comes to conquering the indecision of 'maybe'. But I'll save factor 2 for another day!

Day 53: Stowaways!

I was getting my backpack ready so I could catch a few of the sun's last rays by the lake before I went to the grocery store after work. And when I looked inside something caught my eye causing me to do a double take.

What's that down there???

Stowaways!!!

Cautiously, I reached my hand in to grab them, afraid they might bite. 

But they didn't. 

Probably because they were so dehydrated - I could clearly see every wrinkle.

They had to have been down there for at least a week and a half!

Poor little guys. But that's what you get for hopping off the blueberry pint train to avoid becoming a tasty treat. 

Huh, this sounds eerily familiar to what happened to their distant cousins, The Grape Brothers. Yeah, Vince and Carlos hopped off their family's vine at the vineyard so they wouldn't become a tasty treat - wine. But wouldn't you know it, they still got eaten - by a lumberjack, no doubt - when he saw them sleeping under a leaf. The logger saw their exhaustion wrinkles and thought they were raisins!

Well, lucky for these former blueberries, they didn't become a tasty treat. 

They did however get thrown in to the compost bin. And there's no telling what will happen in there . . .