Day 280: Take Get Wish Want

Now that Thanksgiving is over and we've turned the page on gratitude, it's a great time to put a spotlight on something else.

Expectations.

I was reflecting on some things - as I do, because I love having myself a good think - and the theme of 'expectations' kept popping up.

Expectations touch every facet of life and will have the same formula no matter the topic. For me, the topic of focus during my Turkey Day Morning Think was relationships and how I approach them.
Or more specifically, how I approach dating.

For a long time, I sought out what I thought I wanted.
No, scratch that - I didn't seek anything out. I let things come to me because I didn't know what I wanted (or that I had the autonomy to choose, for that matter).

This resulted in relationships, both good and bad, ending up with the same outcome -

Disappointment.

I didn't know what I wanted so instead I would 'take what I could get.'
But what I could get was never what I wanted.
And despite not knowing exactly what that was, I did have a vague idea of what it wasn't. Armed with this realization, I would continue on wishing for things to be different and the situation to magically become what I actually wanted. 

It never did.

 

Take + Get + Wish + Want = Disappointment

In all situations and experiences there will always be multiple factors at play.
In my previous dating experiences, low self-esteem and social conditioning played a HUGE role in my behavior and situational tolerance. 

 

But so did my expectations.

 

The biggest reason being - my expectations were misdirected.

I put all of my expectations onto others.
Expectations of things we would do, expectations of how we connect, even expectations of how I'd feel about myself.

I took no responsibility for my role in relationships or for my own happiness.

The realization of this was MIND BLOWING (and heart wrenching). 

The shift from placing expectations on others to placing expectations on myself was - not gonna lie - kind of confusing and incredibly uncomfortable.

I wasn't used to it.

It felt weird and awkward and . . . vulnerable.

It meant getting clear on what my values were. And following them.

It meant getting clear on what I wanted and how I wanted to feel.

It meant relearning how to listen to myself - my gut/intuition, my energy levels, my body, even my thoughts (those fleeting initial thoughts that are quickly overcome by overthinking).

With these things in mind - and with practice - I was able to create a new formula that worked better for me. A formula that, while not always getting me what I wanted, absolutely moved me closer towards it.

A formula that only I can solve.

 

Values + Intent + Self-Trust + Openness = Learning

 

This new approach helped me to understand and discern the various experiences I want to have. 

 

No matter the topic, focus, or people involved - be it work or play, independent or in a group - carrying one's own expectations is like a secret weapon. It provides the learning and agency needed to have autonomy over one's happiness.