Day 264: Being Nice

'I was just being nice.'

"Try to be nice."

'I thought you were nice.'

How many times have you thought or heard these statements - directed towards yourself or someone else?

I've heard them a LOT.
For 33 years.

And it's taken me 33 years to understand that 'being nice' is not something I need to do.
It might not even be a thing to strive for at all.

What does it mean to be 'nice,' anyway?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, nice (adjective) means:

1. Polite, kind
2. Pleasing, agreeable
3. Socially acceptable: well-bred, respectable

Do any of these stand out as potentially problematic to you?

It's possible none do.
But for a recovering people-pleaser, #2 is a slippery slope.
At least for me.

You see, it's a question of who the noun is pleasing or agreeable to that matters the most.

As one who has lived a life of 'being nice' and doing things I don't really want to do, but rather felt I should do, this is everything.

If you're anything like me, you associate 'being nice' with being a 'good person.'
So if you aren't 'nice' then you aren't a 'good person,' either.

In this all-or-nothing mindset, neutral doesn't exist.
It's polar opposites - only.
If you're not 'being nice,' then you're 'being mean.'
If you're not a 'good person,' then you're a 'bad person.'

Strangely enough, with this way of thinking, it's impossible to just be 'a person.'
It's impossible to just 'be.'

Here's the reality, if you don't do something that would be pleasing or agreeable for someone else, it doesn't automatically mean they will be displeased or upset as a result.

In most cases, it won't mean anything to the other person at all!
Their life will carry on in the same way it had before you were asked or had the thought to 'be nice.'

'Being nice' is often a scapegoat used to avoid [potential] feelings of discomfort, insecurity or lack.

Notice how I slipped the word, potential, in there?

That's because just the thought of feeling any sort of emotional discomfort is enough to change our actions. The fear of what might happen is stronger than we may realize.

We ok, I (I won't speak for everyone else), get so caught up in not wanting to 'hurt the other person's feelings,' that I hurt myself instead.
The hurt may not be registered as any type of pain, but it will absolutely show up as drain.

Energy drain.

This can manifest in different ways. A dip in mood, feeling more tired or less engaged, lack of patience or heightened frustration are a few examples of how you can tell if your energy is draining.

What I'm coming to learn is, we don't really do anyone any favors by doing what [we think] they want or doing what we think we should do.

That's not to say, be a jerk and only think about yourself.
It's also not to say that we should never do things we don't want to do in an effort to help others.

The key driving force of our actions should come from a genuine place; tapping into our core values.
Funny enough, this is always going to be a bit self-serving - but in the best way possible.
When we live out our values in real life, 9 times out of 10, we get a boost of energy which contributes to others being better off as well.

So next time you find yourself waffling back and forth over if you should 'be nice' or not, consider what your decision would be if you would remain 'nice' regardless of your choice, and go with that.