Day 251: Reciprocation and Dislike

For much of my life I've operated under the premise that I needed to act a certain way in order to be 'nice.'

Because to be 'nice' is to be 'liked'.
(At least to my child brain.)
And if you aren't 'liked' then there must be something wrong with you.

...hmm...

I uncovered a belief I have, that 'you have to reciprocate in order to be "nice" (aka a 'good' person).'

But that's not true.
(People please, much?)

It's not true that by not reciprocating I am being "mean."

And it's not true that not reciprocating has any moral implications on the type of person I am.

But in my brain, that is the only other alternative.

With hidden - or limiting - beliefs, everything is an 'All or nothing' situation.

And every choice has a moral say about you and your worth.

This realization made me think about the concepts of nice and mean - and how they correlate to being liked and being disliked.

I thought about in childhood when being unliked is one of the worst things ever.

How interesting it is that to be unliked in adulthood could be viewed as a completely neutral thing?

To be unliked is not the same as being disliked.

I think in childhood these two terms are actually synonyms. 

However, as we mature and enter into adulthood they begin to take on their own individual meanings.
Just as we become our own individual people - how fascinating!

You mean to say, that I can have zero regard, in any capacity, for someone or something and still be a 'good' person?

Why, yes, that's exactly what I mean to say!

 

What does it really mean to be a 'bad' person?

This will vary slightly from individual to individual, but we can probably agree it will involve something along the lines of:

Intentionally causing harm to others.

So what does this all mean?

To me - it means that being honest with myself about my wants, needs, and preferences and then using this honesty to inform my actions, might actually be the 'nicest' thing I can do.

Because when we allow ourselves to do what's right for us, we are more open to accepting the differences that are right for others.
And what's more likeable than that?

Day 250: Penguin Run

Saturday morning I went for a walk and witnessed a grin-inducing sight.

A man running . . . wearing a backpack . . . and his hands in his pockets.

I can't really explained why the sight tickled me so, but it did!
Boy, was I giggling!

It may have been because when people run with their hands in their pockets, they start to resemble penguins . . .

Day 249: Free Will

I had a conversation with someone the other day about free will.

They shared this idea of quantum entanglement. This was new for me, I had no idea what it was. The basis of it is that there is no will, there is an opposite happening at any given moment which, in turn, mandates what any outcome will always be.

This is a hard concept for me to grasp on a number of levels.

The biggest being, that I fully believe that humans have free will.

If we don't, however, that would be a pretty big mind shift to swallow.

I wanted to figure out how my view of things could still work if this were actually the case, that there is no free will.

Some argue, 'why does it matter what you do? Whatever is going to happen will happen regardless of one's actions.'

I still don't believe that.

I suppose what I hold on to most is the idea that we are still in control of our own happiness.

Perhaps we have no control or impact on the outcome of our lives or certain events that will transpire. But we do, absolutely, have the power to go through experiences in a way that feels good and energizing to us.

No matter what the circumstances.

This idea, I'm sure to some, may sound about as harebrained as the idea that there is no such thing as free will.

Isn't it strange how we can hold on and accept one type of extreme idea but not others?

Regardless, this is what I've worked out in my own mind.

Free will or not,

Destiny or choose your own adventure,

we all have the ability to create our own happiness.

In every moment and every situation.

We have the ability to choose our perspective. We have the ability to choose how we interact with the world.

Maybe this doesn't change the course of events we experience throughout our lives.

But it does impact how we experience ourselves throughout our lives.

And to me, that might be the most important thing.

Day 248: Thought-Tracks

What a strange thing - to be aware of your own thoughts.
It can be really cool and illuminating to have a thought that reveals why you think other things.
It can also be terrifying.

For me - and I would imagine, also, many others - it may be near imperceptible what my thoughts are. My inner thought-track just plays as usual and I'm so used to it that I can't hear it at all.

Until I can.
In small sporadic fragments.

Coaching has helped me to increase this awareness and adjust the tuner a bit more to pick up a clearer signal. But it's a constant work in progress.

Last night I became aware that my internal thought-track is about myself.

It sounds kind of weird that this wasn't obvious before - it's in MY head.
Who else would it be about?!

Others.
Other people.
The unnamed, unknown, audience of my brain that my track narrates to.
The thoughts are never addressed to me, I, or Sarah.

They typically personify and separate parts of me for further commentary.

Such as my fingers.
I often hit the wrong letters when texting and get frustrated.

Last night it happened again, and I was quick to reprimand my unfocused digits.

"Fucking idiot."

[wide-eyed freeze]

Whoa.
Harsh!

For some reason this insult, which isn't particularly isolated, really caught my attention.

Because for the first time it dawned on me that the fingers I was verbally putting down - my fingers - are a part of me.

I was saying that to myself!

Immediately a "protective" thought swooped in.
'but you weren't calling Yourself a 'fucking idiot', you were saying it about the typos...'

Yeah, but I'm the only person here. The fingers belong to me.

I had no idea I was this unkind to myself.

Over the past year, I've come to realize the insecurities and personal hang-ups that I've been working through are rooted in unkindness towards myself. I've encountered the slightly dismissive enabling thoughts of
'yeah, but you're not that mean to yourself. It's not like you think to yourself, "I'm a worthless piece of shit", like some people do.'

Turns out, I wasn't dialed into the right frequency to pick up what was really happening.

Indeed, I was doing that -albeit with a different word choice.

But I had no idea.
I couldn't perceive it because the message, though audible in my head, was projected externally - targeting a person/body part/thing seemingly separate from me.

I didn't know I was projecting.
It just seemed like an off-handed commentary.
Like a funny or random passing observation.

Last night, however, my passing observation was reflected back and I saw it for what it was.

Negative self-talk.
But I wasn't just being unkind to myself, I was being cruel.

As someone who associates and wears the labels of 'good' and 'nice' with pride, this was a shocking and disheartening revelation.

But also an encouraging one.

I finally cracked the code.

I got a glimpse into what's really going on behind layers and layers and layers of closed mind doors.

It's not pretty, but the fact that I saw - and recognized - it once, means that I'll be able to do it again.
And again and again and again.

Building up awareness with each occurrence so that in time I'll not only be able to catch it faster, but I'll be able to replace the messaging with something more kind, loving, and helpful.

Day 247: Who do you live for?

Who do you live for?
What do you live for?
Is it family?
       Work?
       Money?
       Security?
       Contributing to society?
       Walking in your faith?
       Being a 'good' person?
       Enjoying life?
       Leaving a legacy?
       Happiness?
       Just being you?

There are no limits to the reasons and priorities we have for living our lives.

Some of us - at this very moment - will be content in the way we are living life right now.
Others - including myself - will feel our current lifestyle leaves something to be desired.

No matter which group you find yourself, life is ever changing.
Nothing is permanent - which means there are always ways to experience life more fully.
i.e. there are always ways to enjoy your life more than you already are.

'But I already like my life.'
"That's great! And if you could keep all the aspects you like about your life and also improve aspects you don't like, would you be interested in that?"
'Well, I just don't see how my life could get any better...'

Uh, ok . . . I guess I'm not talking to you, then, unidentified perfect-life person. But thanks for illustrating a great point!

It can be hard for us to see outside our current reality.
And it can be even harder to see outside our current perspective.

The missing piece in both scenarios?
Being very clear on why you are doing whatever it is that you're doing.

I, unintentionally, reflected on this the other day after asking someone if they typically say goodbye to everyone when leaving a party or if they do the Irish goodbye, peace-out play.

[Side note: which do you typically do??]

I am more of a leave silently type of person - or so I thought.
Upon further reflection I realized some trends

1. When I'm having a great time I often stay until the end
2. I often don't (or don't want to) say goodbye to people when I'm not enjoying myself
3. Wow, I think I've attended a lot more parties where I don't enjoy myself than when I do . . .

Huh, that last one is a bit questionable. 

Why is it that I have disliked more parties or social gatherings I've attended than I've liked?!

Let me circle back to the original point of this post.
Intention.
The why behind what I am doing.

Do you know what I realized?

My why - in the majority of these not-super-enjoyable-to-me-experiences - was other people.
Not me.

This was a HUGE revelation. 

Because I was able to recognize that I was making choices for my time, energy, and life based on what I thought would make others happy, not me.

Because I was making choices based on what I thought I should do instead of what felt good and right for me.

Sarah thought #1: I don't really want to go, but I was invited so I should.
Limiting Belief: If I'm invited to something, I have to go to it.

 Sarah thought #2: If I don't go, then I'm not being a very good friend.
Limiting Belief: I'm not a good friend if I don't always go to my friends' events.

Hmm, ok. But you know what makes for a worse friend?
Going to something you don't want to be at, sulking in the corner, and then leaving early!

The world is better off when people are happy!
So why don't we start with ourselves?

Day 246: Lip Bangs

Are mustaches just lip bangs?

 

What type of cut are they . . . ?

- the pencil

- the curtain

- the Handlebar ?

 

 

I'd love to see a man push his lip curtain bangs apart throughout the day!

But the best part about this joke was my sister's response to it:

Day 245: Prison Food

During a morning walk I had a flashback to a memory from 7th grade.

We were in Mr. Marvis' class for . . . language arts? History? I can't really remember, I just know it wasn't science or math . . . 

Growing up in the wild wild west - also known as rural Oregon - dead animals on the side of the road weren't novel or particularly rare. So it should come as no surprise that they might also filter into class discussions as well . . . 
No, that's a lie. It's weird no matter where you live. 

But the conversation of 13 & 14 year olds can go anywhere, thus ...

Kyle: ...Well, if you're in prison they make you eat roadkill!

Mr. Marivs: Kyle, they do not feed you roadkill in prison.

😂  😂  😂

Why share this ridiculous funny?
Simply because it is funny - at least to me.

But also as a reminder - if you're not in prison, you don't have to eat the roadkill.

Interpret that as you will.

And know that no matter your situation, you do not have to accept what is given to you or comes your way.

There is always another option, another way to look at things. 

Even in the most dire circumstances there is always choice.