Day 57: On Quitting

"I'm not a quitter."
"If I start something, I have to finish it."

Any of these phrases sound familiar? 

If you grew up in American culture, they likely do. And if your experience was anything like mine, "Quitting" was prominently presented in a negative light.

It's not good to quit.

Quitters have no self-discipline or  follow through.

But what IS quitting, really?

What if I told you that quitting isn't actually a thing at all? It's not bad or good, but completely neutral.

What if 'to quit' just meant 'to shift priorities'?

Take a second to think about this. Go on, really take your time . . . 

Because, to me, that's what quitting is - shifting your priorities to something else.

 

There is no moral issue around changing your priorities.
It does not change who you are or make you a better or worse person. 

 

But it does impact your life and the way you show up in it.

 

So next time you find yourself in a situation where you feel like a lot of problems would be solved by 'quitting' but you don't want to 'give up', 'let someone down', or 'fail', maybe stop and consider . . .
 

Consider what your priorities in life actually are and how your current situation is harming or helping them.

Day 56: Kids love me

"Man, those kids loved me!"  - as stated by my sister when recounting her recent friend visit to New York. "I think it's because I actually engaged with them."

Indeed, I also think that is the reason she was such a hit with her friends' kids; to whom, until this past weekend, she was a stranger.

How'd it work? Well, she took the time to:

1. Ask questions - not just the surface kind, but the deeper questions that keep the conversation and sharing going
2. LISTEN -  this is arguably the most important step.  She listened to what they were actually saying - with the goal of understanding and learning about them, rather than predicting the content outcome, thinking she knows better or the correct answers (or that her time or sharing was more important)
   
3. Buy-in to what was being shared - when kids tell her stuff, they are telling about their current view and experience of their lives so far. She knows they are young, inexperienced, and still learning, so she's willing to roll with what they share and see where it takes them. No judgement, no expectations
   

This kid magnet phenomenon - or recipe, rather - got me thinking . . . 

Why aren't these same principles applied more often to adults?

It's so easy to be stingy with our time, think we know more than others, and make judgements about experiences or views different than our own. 

What if we gave that blueprint a break?

How would our relationships change? 

How would we change?

Day 55: Brownie Surprise

 

 

 The struggle is real when you eat with your eyes . . .

Day 54: If it's not a 'yes' ...

 How many times have we heard the saying:

"If it's not a 'Yes' it's a 'no'"?

Or something along those lines.

I, for one, have heard it MANY times. Over the most recent years, it's been the iteration of 'if it's not Hell Yes, it's a no.' For some reason that version never connected with me. Probably because I can recall very few times when it came to making a decision where I had been met with such strong conviction.

However, the milder version I can work with. Especially when I find myself in the weeds with 'Maybe.'

Oof, Maybe is a slippery sucker. The type of slick I often struggle navigating.

I suppose that's why there's also the saying about 'maybe meaning no.'

My favorite iteration of this can be found in the Jack Johnson song, Flake. "It seems to me that 'maybe' pretty much always means 'no.'"

[Thinks for a bit] . . . Yep, that checks out -'maybe' DOES pretty much always mean 'no.'

I mean, not exclusively, but generally - yeah.

Guess that means I could use this saying as a helpful decision making tool, as well.

Or, dare I say it, I combine the two sayings?!

"If it's not a 'yes' it's a 'no'; and if it's a 'maybe' it's also a 'no' - depending on how much I care about it or if I'm trying to avoid a certain feeling by giving a specific answer."

Wow, really rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?! 

So it could use some work, but it gets at an important point.

We often - or at least I often - avoid making decisions because I either:

1 - don't (believe I) have strong feelings either way about something, or

2 - I'm trying to avoid a certain feeling because I think giving a direct answer will cause another person's [less than positive] feelings

This whole topic came to me as I was washing dishes. And I'm glad it did, because it spurred me to explore the framework through which I make my (non-committal) decisions; as well as where I can direct more attention.

Take point 1, for example. If I don't immediately know how I feel about something in the thought space, I can jump to other areas to gather info:

• How does my body feel when I think about saying yes to the decision? How does my body feel when I think about saying no?
• What's my energy like in this moment of consideration? What might it be (based on what I know about myself) at the time and day of any actions involved?
• What other priorities have I already committed to (including time for personal care [sometimes doing nothing is incredibly important and needed!])?

Ultimately, options that generate any type of physical restriction or heaviness or are likely to drain you energetically might be good choices to pass on.

Listening to your body (for everything) is huge! Especially if you find yourself struggling to make a decision.

This is one area that I am trying to practice more consistently.

Too bad there are two factors when it comes to conquering the indecision of 'maybe'. But I'll save factor 2 for another day!

Day 53: Stowaways!

I was getting my backpack ready so I could catch a few of the sun's last rays by the lake before I went to the grocery store after work. And when I looked inside something caught my eye causing me to do a double take.

What's that down there???

Stowaways!!!

Cautiously, I reached my hand in to grab them, afraid they might bite. 

But they didn't. 

Probably because they were so dehydrated - I could clearly see every wrinkle.

They had to have been down there for at least a week and a half!

Poor little guys. But that's what you get for hopping off the blueberry pint train to avoid becoming a tasty treat. 

Huh, this sounds eerily familiar to what happened to their distant cousins, The Grape Brothers. Yeah, Vince and Carlos hopped off their family's vine at the vineyard so they wouldn't become a tasty treat - wine. But wouldn't you know it, they still got eaten - by a lumberjack, no doubt - when he saw them sleeping under a leaf. The logger saw their exhaustion wrinkles and thought they were raisins!

Well, lucky for these former blueberries, they didn't become a tasty treat. 

They did however get thrown in to the compost bin. And there's no telling what will happen in there . . .

Day 52: Welcome to my home!

Oh, hello! I didn't see you there. Don't mind me, I was just casually relaxing in this position, completely un-posed or aware of a camera anywhere near. . .

Please do come in! I've just tidied up.

What's that? You've never seen inside a squirrel's home before? That's crazy! I'm sure it can't be much different than yours . . .

Day 51: The Altruism Fallacy

Why do people carry out acts of altruism? Ask a dozen people and you'll probably get a dozen answers - all with a common thread. A little thing called 'what's in it for me.'

No, that's not true! Altruists aren't self-serving. They're completely selfless and focused on the well being of others.

Thank you, imaginary Contrarian. You've brought up just the point I was hoping for! 

I love to burst your bubble by saying, no action would ever take place by a human unless that human received some benefit or gain from it.

This is a very broad statement, which at first reading, many might not agree with. 

Wonderful!

Allow me to explain.

Every thought we have and action we take is connected to a feeling, an emotion. The way we feel about something, be it a task or activity, person or circumstance, influences our desire or resistance to it. 

To give a concrete example, Sarah enjoys helping others to believe in themselves and their abilities. For a time, she volunteered as an adult basic education tutor helping others improve their math and reading skills. She always felt so good when she left in the evening, especially when seeing her tutee achieve success or learn something new.

What does Sarah get out of this altruistic action? It's not money or compensation. But it IS a good feeling of connection, empowerment, and happiness that was created through her action. Without giving her time, she would not have generated these feelings in such a combination. Thus, Sarah received something from her giving. 

Sarah likes to feel good. As many humans do. And like many humans, she also likes to feel that she has contributed and made an impact in another person's life. 

I bring up this topic all to say, that doing something that benefits you as well as other humans is never a bad thing.

The idea of self-serving actions only become 'bad' (if we want to go with a judging word) when their execution inflicts a negative impact on others.

 

The goal of life should not be to give selflessly, but rather, to give in a way where everybody wins. 

 

As individuals we need to feel good and at our best in order to share our best with the world. So why not look for opportunities where everyone involved benefits? 

 

I know I certainly will!