Hi, I'm the resident food fairy!
I'm a foodie swashbuckler, keeping innocent people safe from unruly food monsters. It's tough work, but someone has to do it. And let me tell you, there was a lot of work to be done yesterday!
The 4th of July makes for some pretty crazy adventures. You'd think Thanksgiving would be the worst day for me, but not really, since everyone is inside. All I can do then is look through the windows . . . while standing in the snow and cold . . . and occasionally tap my cucumber sword against the glass when someone's about to eat too much. But they don't hear me . . . they never hear me . . .
But back to yesterday. Boy did I see a LOT of hot dogs. And some were even dressed like me! Of course much smaller. And there were so many sides of potato salad I thought surely all of the grocery stores in the city must be out of potatoes! Still waiting for confirmation on that one . . .
I think the worst thing I saw yesterday was the human firework. There was a group of people who had started with their liquid appetizers, if you will, much too early in the morning {what is this, St. Patrick's Day?!}. So when the real food started rolling in, first with chips and dip and watermelon, then salads and fruit and corn on the cobb, and finally hot dogs and hamburgers, one man in particular was in bad shape. He'd reached his limit very quickly into his feast, but was determined to overcome it. Dressed like a heel in his star-spangled outfit, he proceeded to eat and drink and, for the most part, be merry, until dusk approached.
As the sky began to darken his friends wanted to start setting off their fireworks. "I got this, I got this!" the yankee doodle man called. But as he bent over to light the fuse, a very different explosion took place. It was loud and colorful and full of surprise. Unfortunately, it wasn't at all pleasant or beautiful for anyone watching. What they saw, that terrible sight, was the rejection of everything that had once passed through that man's mouth. And instead of a lingering scent of smoke and sulfur, the air around him smelled of emptied bowels. It was atrocious!
I evacuated the area immediately. If anyone is unable to be in control of their own body, I'm of no help to them! Instead, I wandered east, and found a nice porch to swing to take in the night's show. Thanks to Ethel and William, the perfectly aged couple that lives there, I learned of the friendship between fireworks and hearing aides.
