Which came first: Poor Communication or Mistakes [Pt. 2]

Mistakes breed poor communication

This is an interesting sequence of cause and effect. Not nearly as obvious as it’s predecessor, poor communication breeds mistakes, that we examined in the last post. In this surprisingly deep concept, we find the cycle is fueled by driving forces of: 

• Fear
• Self-worth
• Avoidance of ownership

Fear

As a child, did you ever make a mistake - break something, do something you weren’t supposed to, or not do something you were supposed to - and try to keep it a secret because you were afraid of getting in trouble?

Like, say, I don’t know, playing soccer in the hallway and accidentally pegging one of your mom’s plants off the stair ledge, sending it Humpty-Dumpty-style onto the carpeted stairs below?

The fear we had of getting in trouble - of upsetting or disappointing someone - as kids, is still something we deal with from time to time in adulthood, whether we want to admit it or not. You may be surprised to learn that this fear is the reason mistakes exist at all.

Intrigued?
Good.

Self-Worth

A fear of unintended outcomes can also be thought of as a fear of mistakes. For many of us, it’s not so much the fear of the mistake itself, but rather what we interpret that imperfection to mean about us (even if we think it’s a judgment coming from someone else). Due to this, mistakes can exacerbate poor communication because we live in a society that largely expects perfection and values time and money over learning and growth.

Or more simply put, we live in an ego driven society. To admit fault or falling short in any area is a big hit to the ego. We don’t want to admit mistakes, faults or the inability to meet expectations or responsibilities because we have been trained that these imperfections will make us less than, unworthy, and maybe even untrustworthy.

This leads to not communicating promptly or effectively when problems arise. Because if we don’t acknowledge or speak it, then the problem doesn’t exist, right? Then the scenarios we have playing in our heads won’t be able to come true. Then we won’t have to face beliefs we hold about ourselves that could cause us discomfort. We’ve already beaten ourselves up enough, why invite others to join in?

While this may or may not apply to you, it’s important to be aware of this contributing factor in the mistake/poor communication continuum.

Avoidance of ownership

What’s the first unofficial ‘rule’ of car accidents? Never admit fault.
A quick google search took me to the Sorenson Law Firm website where they advise against any form of apology: “In fact, do not use phrases such as “I am sorry,” “I apologize,” or “it was my fault”. . .”

In the legal world, perhaps this is necessary. But in every day relationships - whether personal or professional - this tactic will most certainly lead to a decline in trust, morale, and productivity.

While I’m not suggesting that assigning fault is necessary when mistakes are made, I AM suggesting that taking ownership of one’s role in the outcome is. It is actually those who DO communicate their inability to carry out their commitments that are the most capable and trustworthy.

Why? Because it shows they value:

• other people’s time
• their contributions and the contributions of others
• people as people (as opposed to robots)

Your Turn

Nobody is perfect. Mistakes are bound to happen, that’s how life works. Yet, it is our ability to recognize, own, and communicate our mistakes that stops the cycle from continuing. Take a moment to reflect:

When was the last time I messed up and was afraid to tell someone?

What did I make the mistake mean about me? What did I imagine others would think?

How can I take ownership for my part in things in order to move towards a solution?

Oftentimes, we imagine far worse consequences for our mistakes than will ever happen. Stop the mistake cycle by bravely communicating what happened, owning your role in it, and looking towards a solution. You'll feel better and you'll inspire confidence and trust in others.

Which came first: Poor Communication or Mistakes? [Pt. 1]

In a setup as inconclusive as 'Which came first, the chicken or the egg?', there is no clear answer. And in a world where every situation brings a different set of variables and perspectives, maybe that’s ok.

By show of hands (or perhaps you could let me know with a comment below), which do think is more likely?

1. Poor communication breeds mistakes
2. Mistakes breed poor communication

Next question - how many of you have ever thought about the symbiotic connection between communication and mistakes before?

I hadn’t, until very recently. And the reality is poor communication and mistakes are both responsible for the other, albeit in different situations. Perhaps with more awareness of what fosters both scenarios, we can learn to improve our communication and increase our growth and learning. Thus, turning any situation of mistake-making or poor communication into an opportunity!

Now, let’s take a closer look at the first cause and effect and explore the various ways they can show up. (The second phenomena will be examined in a follow-up post.)

Poor Communication breeds mistakes

This is the most obvious of the two options. Poor communication leads to mistakes by route of three key areas:

1. Unclear guidelines
2. Unclear expectations
3. Unclear commitments

AKA: lack of clarity

Lack of clarity is a direct route to mistake-making. Leaving us operating on assumptions, rather than confirming our understanding of what is needed and draining us of time and energy. If there’s one thing mistakes love, it’s the feeling of ‘lack’:
- lack of clarity
- lack of time
- lack of energy
- lack of focus
- lack of confidence
The list could go on and on . . .

Unclear guidelines

Ever had a project at work or agree to help out a friend with something only to find, shortly after the conversation has ended, that you don’t really know what you’re supposed to do? Or what is actually needed?

Congratulations, you’ve received unclear guidelines!
In situations like these, we sometimes resist our better judgment to ask clarifying questions for fear of how we may be perceived. Such as fear of:

• appearing incompetent
• appearing like we weren’t listening
• bothering the other person* (‘time is money,’ as they say)

*if this is you, or you get annoyed when people ask you ‘obvious’ questions, we should talk. There’s a way to eliminate this experience entirely.

If none of these apply, I applaud you.

And in other situations still, we may experience uncertainty grab us after we’ve already reached what feels like the point of no return; already having invested significant time and effort with insufficient resources remaining to start over.

Unclear expectations

In other cases, we may feel clear on the task being asked of us (or that we’re asking of others), but the outcome produced registers as a mistake. For instance, we could do a perfect job based on the criteria and information we have available to us, but if it doesn’t align with the vision of the person we are doing the work for, the perfection will not translate.

We all have different ways of doing things and because of this, verbalizing our expectations - especially when they seem obvious - is crucial in communicating clearly and producing mistake-free work.

Unclear commitments

You know that feeling when you are uncertain whether a coworker or friend will follow-through with a commitment? You start to question if it was a mistake to ask this person for help or to trust they could get the job done. This anxiety-inducing uncertainty comes from unclear commitments.

Think back to elementary school age and going to a friend’s birthday party. They would always hand out some sort of invitation with all of the information you needed (ok - the info your parents needed) to determine if you would be committing to attend or not:

• The date
• The time
• The location
• The type of party

Making commitments as adults requires the same information - regardless of the area of life. In the work world these requirements might look a bit different, using words such as deadlines, requirements, or goals, but they convey the same information.

Your Turn

How many of these types of situations have you experienced in the past? Perhaps you are experiencing some right now or will experience some version of the above in the future (because not everyone is as good at communicating as you are 😉).

Should you find yourself getting caught in the poor communication/mistake trap, fear not! Things can always be resolved by asking questions to get clarity on guidelines, expectations and commitments.

Recognizing that mistakes are usually proof of incomplete information makes it much easier to address the problem, rather than placing blame or finding fault. Become the most forward-thinking, responsible person in the room by bravely asking clarifying questions to ensure the best outcomes possible.

I can't say anything right - and maybe that's the point

I heard an old woman on the sidewalk saying, "I can't say anything right."

I heard this completely out of context as I  passed by, eavesdropping, but she brought an important point to mind.

It's very hard to say anything "right" if you don't give yourself time to come to your full thought about things. And more importantly, give yourself time to figure out the words to convey your intended meaning.

I think instantly of an older person saying something (definitely not PC) that seems offensive.

I think also of the times in the recent past when I have heard a statement come out of my own mouth that does not sound good at all.

Like I didn't think before I spoke.

Like I could have really offended someone if what I said was, indeed, what I meant.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know for sure when communicating with others my intention is never to offend, insult or diminish. And yet it still happens.

Why?

Honestly, there are a number of reasons, but the one I'm finding especially important right now is the need to take time to understand what you really mean.

 

This means allowing yourself to think out loud, to not be perfect, even to say things that might not be what you actually believe in an effort to uncover what you do.

This means embracing the experience of being human and the occasional challenges of processing new information, perspectives, and ways of being.

We don't know everything.

And we are not always right.

But maybe that's the point?

Rather than striving to be right, perhaps the real aim is striving to understand - and enjoying the inextricable growth that comes with it.

In the world we live, we will unintentionally offend others. There's just no way around it (because we have no control over other's thoughts or how they interpret the thoughts we share).

But we can greatly reduce these misunderstandings - and create greater peace in our own lives - when we take time to work out the real meaning we want to convey with our words and we give others the time to do the same.

Think Out Loud

Thinking out loud is a game changer.

We almost always think we don't know - the answer to a problem, how to navigate unfamiliar or challenging territory, etc.

We have convinced ourselves that there is always just one correct
answer
path
solution.

This thinking is both entirely wrong and entirely true. 

It is wrong that in any given circumstance there is only one correct answer, path, solution. 

Yet, it is true that, in any given moment, there will be one answer, path, solution that works best for YOU.

And the easiest way of uncovering what that best answer, path, solution is is to think out loud.

You'll be amazed at what comes out of your mouth when you practice thinking out loud.

And I really do mean practice.

I just had my first real practice - and I had to keep reminding myself "think out loud" because the temptation to edit or restrict myself was so great.

But then I thought, "ok, it's just the same as thinking.. silently..in my head - except now it's coming out of my mouth. That's the only difference."

It felt awkward ["words are hard"] and the impulse to judge some of the thoughts that came out of my mouth was hard to ward off. 

It shut down a lot of my thought paths at first; disrupting the flow and evolution of ideas which would, at some point, turn into beliefs. And - side note - it is the beliefs stage, if any, that we should be judging. The thoughts leading up to the beliefs are just a means to make sense of something and, ideally, a means to understand.

So, allow yourself to think out loud. Give yourself the unrestricted space to explore, process, make sense, and direct your next steps. If you're lucky you'll get takeaways like mine 😜!

*I used a new-to-me transcription app to capture all of the gems I hoped would reveal themselves as I practiced freely thinking out loud and was delighted when it had a summary feature! 

. . . I don't know that I would have summarized my thoughts in this exact way, buut- close enough!

Life is a reflection

Our lives are a reflection of who we are.

Scratch that -

Our lives are a reflection of who we are.

Our lives are a reflection of who we think we are.

Complete with all of the could haves, should haves, would haves, supposed tos, and that's just what you do/how things are that no one can actually trace back to the original rule maker.

Everything is connected.

Nothing exists in isolation.

And, despite what we may have been taught or told, compartmentalizing areas of life does not keep them from interacting with one another.

Our lives are a reflection of how we view life.

Scratch that -

Our lives are a reflection of how we view life.

Our lives are a reflection of how we view ourselves.

. . . let that marinate . . .

Do you like what you see? 

-----------------------

If you're like me you may like some of what you see in your life. And there may be some areas that you really struggle with.

The struggle is a sign.

A sign that what you are seeing,
who you are being,
is no longer matching who you are. 

----------------------

Don't know what to do with that . . . but want to?

Connect with me here to get synced back up with your true self and navigating life in a way that feels and works best for you.

Meat Man

. . . maybe you had to be there . . .

L.E.N.T.

Lent has officially begun and for many Catholics (and other flavors of Christian) that means a period of reflection, self-discipline, and prayer.  

More commonly this plays out as a time of giving things up, not eating meat on Fridays, and trying to 'do better'.  

For many years of my life I don't think I fully grasped the point of Lent. Or rather, I didn't fully see how the things I did or gave up for Lent (saying extra prayers, giving up coffee or sweets) deepened my personal connection with the Creator. I was mostly just counting down those 40 days until Easter.  

Over the past year or so the way I view spirituality, religion, and their associated practices has shifted considerably. 

I've found that the generalized blanket concepts, enticements and threats of these areas don't actually benefit me as much as they could. And I'm willing to bet that if I feel this way, there are plenty of others that do as well.

So, with that in mind, I'll offer a few alternative approaches and perspectives to consider as we pass through this Lenten season - or, let's be real, life in general...

Sin doesn't exist unless judgment is present
What would change for you if 'sins' were viewed as lessons to be learned?
As opportunities for us to grow in understanding of ourselves and consciously choose which actions we want to carry out going forward, rather than judge and condemn ourselves?  

In every moment we have the opportunity to decide if what we are doing is what we want to continue doing. We get to assess and reflect on how it makes us feel, impacts others, and if that is how we want to be and show up in life. If it isn't, then change direction - there is nothing to be ashamed of or judged for that. That's part of learning.

Love for God = Love for Self
What if you didn't need to be 'saved'?
What if you just needed to reconnect to yourself - and thus, God? 

Imagine how much more you could feel and 'see' God's love if you loved yourself.

"Well, that's silly, of course I love myself!" 

Then I'll ask you this, how kind are you to yourself?
How often do you notice your flaws or inadequacies?
How often do you focus on your lack?  

You see, God doesn't see lack.
Because God didn't make you lacking anything.
You were made completely whole.
Yet, as we age in our world, this wholeness often gets chiseled away by the words, actions, and even beliefs of others - of those who came before us. 

We were handed down and taught thoughts and beliefs created long ago, but we weren't [explicitly] taught how to think about them consciously. We weren't taught to connect our thoughts, intuition, and body cues to discern what is uniquely true for us.

So, what if our goal this Lenten season - and all goals in life - started with ourselves?  

What if our intentions were to learn more about ourselves and, thus, who we really are?
God is calling us to be just that - Us.

Lent may be the name of a yearly religious period but it can mean so much more.

L.E.N.T.

Because Life Experiences Necessitate Transformation
And when we Let Experiences Naturally Transform 
we are then able to fully embrace and Live Every New Transition
And when judgment is absent and acceptance is present, we are able to Love Every New Transition.

May we all L.E.N.T. - in this season and every season.