Day 54: If it's not a 'yes' ...

 How many times have we heard the saying:

"If it's not a 'Yes' it's a 'no'"?

Or something along those lines.

I, for one, have heard it MANY times. Over the most recent years, it's been the iteration of 'if it's not Hell Yes, it's a no.' For some reason that version never connected with me. Probably because I can recall very few times when it came to making a decision where I had been met with such strong conviction.

However, the milder version I can work with. Especially when I find myself in the weeds with 'Maybe.'

Oof, Maybe is a slippery sucker. The type of slick I often struggle navigating.

I suppose that's why there's also the saying about 'maybe meaning no.'

My favorite iteration of this can be found in the Jack Johnson song, Flake. "It seems to me that 'maybe' pretty much always means 'no.'"

[Thinks for a bit] . . . Yep, that checks out -'maybe' DOES pretty much always mean 'no.'

I mean, not exclusively, but generally - yeah.

Guess that means I could use this saying as a helpful decision making tool, as well.

Or, dare I say it, I combine the two sayings?!

"If it's not a 'yes' it's a 'no'; and if it's a 'maybe' it's also a 'no' - depending on how much I care about it or if I'm trying to avoid a certain feeling by giving a specific answer."

Wow, really rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?! 

So it could use some work, but it gets at an important point.

We often - or at least I often - avoid making decisions because I either:

1 - don't (believe I) have strong feelings either way about something, or

2 - I'm trying to avoid a certain feeling because I think giving a direct answer will cause another person's [less than positive] feelings

This whole topic came to me as I was washing dishes. And I'm glad it did, because it spurred me to explore the framework through which I make my (non-committal) decisions; as well as where I can direct more attention.

Take point 1, for example. If I don't immediately know how I feel about something in the thought space, I can jump to other areas to gather info:

• How does my body feel when I think about saying yes to the decision? How does my body feel when I think about saying no?
• What's my energy like in this moment of consideration? What might it be (based on what I know about myself) at the time and day of any actions involved?
• What other priorities have I already committed to (including time for personal care [sometimes doing nothing is incredibly important and needed!])?

Ultimately, options that generate any type of physical restriction or heaviness or are likely to drain you energetically might be good choices to pass on.

Listening to your body (for everything) is huge! Especially if you find yourself struggling to make a decision.

This is one area that I am trying to practice more consistently.

Too bad there are two factors when it comes to conquering the indecision of 'maybe'. But I'll save factor 2 for another day!

Day 53: Stowaways!

I was getting my backpack ready so I could catch a few of the sun's last rays by the lake before I went to the grocery store after work. And when I looked inside something caught my eye causing me to do a double take.

What's that down there???

Stowaways!!!

Cautiously, I reached my hand in to grab them, afraid they might bite. 

But they didn't. 

Probably because they were so dehydrated - I could clearly see every wrinkle.

They had to have been down there for at least a week and a half!

Poor little guys. But that's what you get for hopping off the blueberry pint train to avoid becoming a tasty treat. 

Huh, this sounds eerily familiar to what happened to their distant cousins, The Grape Brothers. Yeah, Vince and Carlos hopped off their family's vine at the vineyard so they wouldn't become a tasty treat - wine. But wouldn't you know it, they still got eaten - by a lumberjack, no doubt - when he saw them sleeping under a leaf. The logger saw their exhaustion wrinkles and thought they were raisins!

Well, lucky for these former blueberries, they didn't become a tasty treat. 

They did however get thrown in to the compost bin. And there's no telling what will happen in there . . .

Day 52: Welcome to my home!

Oh, hello! I didn't see you there. Don't mind me, I was just casually relaxing in this position, completely un-posed or aware of a camera anywhere near. . .

Please do come in! I've just tidied up.

What's that? You've never seen inside a squirrel's home before? That's crazy! I'm sure it can't be much different than yours . . .

Day 51: The Altruism Fallacy

Why do people carry out acts of altruism? Ask a dozen people and you'll probably get a dozen answers - all with a common thread. A little thing called 'what's in it for me.'

No, that's not true! Altruists aren't self-serving. They're completely selfless and focused on the well being of others.

Thank you, imaginary Contrarian. You've brought up just the point I was hoping for! 

I love to burst your bubble by saying, no action would ever take place by a human unless that human received some benefit or gain from it.

This is a very broad statement, which at first reading, many might not agree with. 

Wonderful!

Allow me to explain.

Every thought we have and action we take is connected to a feeling, an emotion. The way we feel about something, be it a task or activity, person or circumstance, influences our desire or resistance to it. 

To give a concrete example, Sarah enjoys helping others to believe in themselves and their abilities. For a time, she volunteered as an adult basic education tutor helping others improve their math and reading skills. She always felt so good when she left in the evening, especially when seeing her tutee achieve success or learn something new.

What does Sarah get out of this altruistic action? It's not money or compensation. But it IS a good feeling of connection, empowerment, and happiness that was created through her action. Without giving her time, she would not have generated these feelings in such a combination. Thus, Sarah received something from her giving. 

Sarah likes to feel good. As many humans do. And like many humans, she also likes to feel that she has contributed and made an impact in another person's life. 

I bring up this topic all to say, that doing something that benefits you as well as other humans is never a bad thing.

The idea of self-serving actions only become 'bad' (if we want to go with a judging word) when their execution inflicts a negative impact on others.

 

The goal of life should not be to give selflessly, but rather, to give in a way where everybody wins. 

 

As individuals we need to feel good and at our best in order to share our best with the world. So why not look for opportunities where everyone involved benefits? 

 

I know I certainly will!

Day 50: Embrace Change

 I drew this cute little guy a few years ago. 

And gosh do I love him!

I mean, look at him - he's so stinkin' cute! How can you look at him and not smile? 

I certainly can't.

Let me list the ways I love thee:

1. You show me that perfection is not necessary. That lumpy head is the cutest!
2. You exemplify happiness (at least what I envision)
3. In your imperfection, you illustrate authenticity
4. You demonstrate it's possible to hug (or embrace) anything - even the intangible
5. You change the unknown into something to be welcomed

 Yes, these are reasons I love this drawing, but I believe they are also steps to help every person embrace whatever changes they experience in their life.

Change doesn't wait for perfect and we never have to be (let's be real perfection doesn't exist).

Change doesn't dictate happiness, we do. We have the ability to create and experience it in any moment, regardless of our circumstances (though some situations may call for a bit more practice than others).

Change feels the best and is easiest to ride the wave of when we are authentic to who we really are.

Change always provides opportunities to embrace it, be it in small or large ways (we may just need to be open to different perspectives to better see them).

Change can be exciting and something to look forward to. Regardless of if the change was self-initiated or feels more like it was thrust upon us, there is growth and learning in every experience.

What changes or new experiences might feel better if you willingly embraced them?

Day 49: Friendly Faces Are Everywhere

 

You just have to look!

Day 48: One step at a time

I had a coaching session recently in which we touched on the notion of taking one step at a time.

It's so easy to find yourself in a situation of uncertainty, not knowing what step to take first. When this happens it can feel like the only way to move forward is to figure out every step needed to overcome the obstacle, before you can take any action at all. 

 

Interestingly enough, this approach may actually do more harm than good.

When we worry about steps past the first one, it can often impact our ability to see the opportunities that are actually available to us.

For the client that I discussed this topic with, common byproducts of trying to figure out every step upfront were fear, stress, and anxiety.

 

How many of us can relate? 

How many times have we gotten overwhelmed by trying to do everything at once? (No, just me?)

When we don't know what comes next it is so easy to fall into the vicious cycle of 'what if?'. 

What if this happens? 

Then, what if that happens? 

But then this could also happen, too. 

 

All of these hypothetical worries aren't helpful. And it's something that we all fall victim to at times.

We're all human.

We want to know what's going to happen in our own lives.

 

Sometimes, however, there's beauty and an advantage of not knowing what's to come.

 

All that really matters in each moment is the single, next step you will take.

That's it.

Nothing more.

 

Why?

 

Because we can't control any outcome (that occurs outside of ourselves). And if we can't control the outcome, how would we know what the outcome will be?

 

We don't. It's all speculation.

 

So why not take a more childlike approach?

What if we approach the unknown with curiosity?

What if we allowed the unknown to be a surprise?! (Remember childhood, when surprises were cause for excitement rather than anxiety? Maybe that's just me, too.)

 

Easier said than done in a lot of situations, I know. However, the intent remains the same no matter what the circumstance.

The intent is Openness.

 

When we take one step at a time it allows us to be open to wherever we end up. Each step takes us to a different place than we were before. Each outcome presents different opportunities than we previously had access to.

 

In many situations there is no certainty what the outcome will be. 

In many situations the outcome will not be exactly what we anticipated. 

This is a key thing to realize because if we are planning on a certain outcome with future steps based on that imagined outcome, we're going to miss a LOT of other, arguably better, options right in front of us.