Day 228: 20 one-liners

My last class assignment - write 20 one-liner jokes.

1. I got into a little fender bender at the grocery store the other day.
    It was in aisle 4. . . and aisle 12 . . .

 

2. I find it weird when couples look like each other. They're probably thinking, "well, once we have a kid, no one will question if we're related anymore."

 

3. What do you say when an atheist sneezes?
    Nothing

 

4. Isn't it weird how flowers tend to give off more odor when they're dying?
    That's probably why old people start to smell.

 

5. Washing your hair is a sham - poo doesn't belong on your head!

 

6. I think hair must be pretty dumb, it never learns to do anything on it's own - even after years of conditioning!

 

7. People who talk a lot are generally pretty out-going, probably because no one wants them in-staying.

 

8. They say owning a pet is good practice for taking care of a child, but do you really need more practice if you already date straight men?

 

9. I've heard sex and cereal is a thing now- it's supposed to make for cheeri- Os

 

10. I walk into a friend's apartment and hear her telling someone, "I just don't like your personality. I don't think we should see each other anymore."
She was standing in front of a mirror.

 

11. I saw an ex-boyfriend a few days ago and am at a loss for the way to best describe him . . . petite?

 

12. My friend asked me if I liked her new earring, then she showed me her hand [ring with an ear on it]

 

13. I got asked out via FB messenger recently.
      I didn't expect it to be by a former classmate's mom...

 

14. Alarm clocks don't make sense to me, why would you want to feel frightened right when you wake up?

 

15. I do a moderate amount of apartment gardening, but the winter months make it harder. So when it's cold I just stick to growing leg hair.

 

16. Abortion - it's not as boring as it sounds!

 

17. Social media is like pink eye, bad for your eyes and contagious as hell

 

18. I've always loved Raisin Bran, but I feel like at this point - shouldn't Bran be able to take care of himself?

 

19. Therapy is like poop spray, it helps you feel better about all of your shit.

 

20. Bad dates are like sentences, the easiest way to end them is using your period.