Day 196: Bad Intentions

I have the belief that people don't have bad intentions.

Generally speaking, that is (sociopaths, obviously, are excluded from this statement). Naive as it may sound, it's with this belief that I've operated for the majority of my life. 

It's served me well in many situations. And it has equally gotten me into situations that could easily have ended very badly (and thankfully didn't).

This belief came fully into view when reflecting on my relationship with my last boyfriend. It lasted two years and quickly turned into one of the most volatile and unhealthy experiences of my life, thus far.
Just thinking about it, I felt embarrassed and ashamed at the numerous behaviors and situations I tolerated. Why would I allow so many things I knew weren't ok with me to happen, repeatedly?

Well - many reasons, but the biggest one is because I believed he didn't have bad intentions. That he was a good person, despite the bad behavior.

I don't think this is a flawed belief so much as it is an incomplete one. One that fails to account for the messages my intuition and instincts often tried so hard to tell me.

People don't have bad intentions, but they need to be called out when their actions hurt others.

Because how would they know otherwise?

At the time I didn't understand this part. I thought it should be obvious that if a person's actions hurt another, that it wasn't ok to do. But the reality is, not everyone knows this.

They aren't thinking of others when they make their decisions. They are thinking about themselves.

Just like the rest of us.

Every decision we make is made with the intent to help us, to fill a need in some way.

Often these needs are the unseen internal, emotional needs that allow us to feel safe, secure or accepted.

And even more often, we are completely unaware of them and how they are dictating our actions. As was the case in my experience.

Understanding the motives behind the behavior of others is helpful in order to offer compassion and humanity.

Being aware of our own beliefs is important in order to offer compassion and understanding to ourselves.

And, as I've recently come to learn, scrutinizing and adapting our beliefs when our reality takes on an air of unease is vital.

Because when your beliefs fully align with what feels good to you, the situations and people in your life are good to you, too.