Which came first: Poor Communication or Mistakes [Pt. 2]

Mistakes breed poor communication

This is an interesting sequence of cause and effect. Not nearly as obvious as it’s predecessor, poor communication breeds mistakes, that we examined in the last post. In this surprisingly deep concept, we find the cycle is fueled by driving forces of: 

• Fear
• Self-worth
• Avoidance of ownership

Fear

As a child, did you ever make a mistake - break something, do something you weren’t supposed to, or not do something you were supposed to - and try to keep it a secret because you were afraid of getting in trouble?

Like, say, I don’t know, playing soccer in the hallway and accidentally pegging one of your mom’s plants off the stair ledge, sending it Humpty-Dumpty-style onto the carpeted stairs below?

The fear we had of getting in trouble - of upsetting or disappointing someone - as kids, is still something we deal with from time to time in adulthood, whether we want to admit it or not. You may be surprised to learn that this fear is the reason mistakes exist at all.

Intrigued?
Good.

Self-Worth

A fear of unintended outcomes can also be thought of as a fear of mistakes. For many of us, it’s not so much the fear of the mistake itself, but rather what we interpret that imperfection to mean about us (even if we think it’s a judgment coming from someone else). Due to this, mistakes can exacerbate poor communication because we live in a society that largely expects perfection and values time and money over learning and growth.

Or more simply put, we live in an ego driven society. To admit fault or falling short in any area is a big hit to the ego. We don’t want to admit mistakes, faults or the inability to meet expectations or responsibilities because we have been trained that these imperfections will make us less than, unworthy, and maybe even untrustworthy.

This leads to not communicating promptly or effectively when problems arise. Because if we don’t acknowledge or speak it, then the problem doesn’t exist, right? Then the scenarios we have playing in our heads won’t be able to come true. Then we won’t have to face beliefs we hold about ourselves that could cause us discomfort. We’ve already beaten ourselves up enough, why invite others to join in?

While this may or may not apply to you, it’s important to be aware of this contributing factor in the mistake/poor communication continuum.

Avoidance of ownership

What’s the first unofficial ‘rule’ of car accidents? Never admit fault.
A quick google search took me to the Sorenson Law Firm website where they advise against any form of apology: “In fact, do not use phrases such as “I am sorry,” “I apologize,” or “it was my fault”. . .”

In the legal world, perhaps this is necessary. But in every day relationships - whether personal or professional - this tactic will most certainly lead to a decline in trust, morale, and productivity.

While I’m not suggesting that assigning fault is necessary when mistakes are made, I AM suggesting that taking ownership of one’s role in the outcome is. It is actually those who DO communicate their inability to carry out their commitments that are the most capable and trustworthy.

Why? Because it shows they value:

• other people’s time
• their contributions and the contributions of others
• people as people (as opposed to robots)

Your Turn

Nobody is perfect. Mistakes are bound to happen, that’s how life works. Yet, it is our ability to recognize, own, and communicate our mistakes that stops the cycle from continuing. Take a moment to reflect:

When was the last time I messed up and was afraid to tell someone?

What did I make the mistake mean about me? What did I imagine others would think?

How can I take ownership for my part in things in order to move towards a solution?

Oftentimes, we imagine far worse consequences for our mistakes than will ever happen. Stop the mistake cycle by bravely communicating what happened, owning your role in it, and looking towards a solution. You'll feel better and you'll inspire confidence and trust in others.