Day 93: Hazey

 This is Hazey.

She's the voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough and makes me doubt myself and my abilities. She brings a fog around my head and torso that I can’t really see through and is very busy with a lot of chaotic energy zipping around. She can take my uniqueness and turn it into average. She keeps me from relaxing, valuing self care, and being really present in the moment. She blocks my intuition and tries to silence my body cues. She prevents me from fully trusting myself. And she keeps me from dreaming big and realizing the deep desires inside of me.

She's trying to protect me. Because she loves me.

She doesn't want to see me get hurt or disappointed or fail. 

She wants to see me succeed! And what better place for that than in the routine and familiar she's used to?

We all have a Hazey - also known as a saboteur/gremlin/judge/etc. It will look, feel, and sound different for all of us, but the function will be the same:

A personification of all of the limiting beliefs, interpretations, assumptions, and judgements we have that keep us from living our life to the fullest.

I met Hazey after taking some time to identify the times and situations where I am the hardest on myself, when any good or celebration is quickly replaced with lacking or judgement. The times when my Saboteur was fully active.

I took note of 

• the thoughts that came up in these situation and the beliefs connected to them. 
• how I felt in these situations vs. times where I felt good/happy/joyful.
• when and how my saboteur went away
• what my saboteur stopped me from doing

And, boy oh boy, was I surprised at what taking the time to do this did! 

After going over it with my coach, I learned more about how to use Hazey as a tool. She shared that when we get curious about our saboteurs and stand still with the fear [they are trying to protect us from], we can explore the reason behind it. 

The opposite of fear is want. So if your saboteur is hiding you away in some capacity, it's likely a real want in disguise. I never would have thought that moments of doubt and self-judgement were really Hazey's back-handed way of expressing a want for me.

From this reflection and awareness practice, I've learned a new way to communicate with my saboteur, Hazey.

I've found a new way to communicate and understand myself.

 

Interested in learning more on how you can do this, too? Let's talk!