Day 298: What A Hickey Taught Me

"I don't do some of the things I want because I'm
worried about someone seeing and commenting on it."

That sounds like a reasonable thought, given the title.

The funny thing is, that statement wasn't in reference to a hickey at all!
It was about a jacket.

My crew neck leopard print jacket.

I've had it for years and hardly ever wear it.
I like it.
I like the idea of it.
But it doesn't match the false identity I bind myself to, in my head.
- So I fear it.

What's the identity?
Low maintenance, laid back, effortless - (imagined in the most appealing way, though the reality really is that I put in no effort).

'And leopard print is the kind of thing worn by someone who wants to be seen.'
I was just starting to get comfortable with ME seeing me.

So I didn't wear a jacket that I liked.

"Wow, I'm not doing something that I like - because I'm imagining that someone else will . . . what?"

I had never played the scenario out to the end.
There was nothing specific to be feared or tried to avoid.
There was nothing negative.

My fear isn't of someone commenting on my jacket choice. 

It's of them noticing it.

My fear is of being seen.

Ugh.  It was great to uncover that nugget, but - come on!- how long is it going to take until I get to the bottom of this whole "fear of being seen" thing??!?

If you couldn't guess, this is a recurring pattern I've discovered.
And it stands in the way of me and pretty much everything I want to accomplish in life.

That sounds super dramatic. But it is true.
And, not in a complaining, "life is so unfair," kind of way.
More in a "I really want to get going with all of the dreams, goals and ideas I have and it's going to be so great when I am doing them - and feeling so at ease!" kind of way.

I want it now!
But, I'm also a bit scared at the idea of my life being as great as I imagine.

That's where the fear is really coming from.  

The fear of not being able to do it -
because I've never never given up on something.
I've always taken "no" for an answer.
And to do things different from the ways I'm familiar - is scary!

It's scary to challenge my beliefs and the ways they limit me;
To be consciously aware of the thoughts that pass in my head.
It's scary to decipher that if I really believed the message of the opening quote -
I would never be able to live. 

Not really.
Not fully.

I don't want to live a restricted and happiness-limiting life.

So I'm going to learn how to live the opposite.
Starting with a leopard print jacket.

And also starting with selfies - because they also make me uncomfortable.